Gender is fake but what isn't

Hi! It's been a long time.

If you told me when I started this blog where I'd be at right now, I wouldn't believe you.

I'm out to most of my extended family, as of this week.

So far, nobody has said anything directly transphobic. A lot have voiced their support and offered a safe space. Pronouns are a work in progress, but my parents rarely deadname me. The rest of the family is starting to call me Rowan as well. I'm about to move into an apartment with 3 other trans people who are also some of my best friends.

I'm going to start the process of legally changing my name soon, which I'm excited for and scared of at the same time.

In all, it's going really well for me. Just wanted to drop a quick update that I'm alive and well and being happy and trans.

I took a job which is essentially helping girls in stem. I was offered this job under the assumption that I /am/ girl in stem. I'm not a girl.

It would probably be easiest for everyone if I could keep my mouth SHUT about that.

Buuuut.

I really want to go by Rowan this year.

Like really really really wanna do that.

So I'm trying to figure out a way to ask everyone to use the name Rowan for me even though all my paperwork says my legal name and all but

I don't want the name Rowan tainted with the pronoun she.

So like even if I could convince them it's a nickname just because I don't like the other name, that wouldn't really be enough?

And it's sorta easy at that point to tell I'm trans anyways and just aghhhh

I think they'd be fine with it, honestly, I really do, nonbinary people don't exactly have it made in stem either. But.

I'm just terrified of this. I have to confront it and make some choices one way or another in 3 days. I've been agonizing over this all summer and I feel like throwing up just thinking about making a definitive decision at this point and

It's been like what, 2 months since I posted anything here? Wow.

It's because I've been at home. I don't get to do an awful lot of exploring my gender at home, because I'm scared.

I'm not quite sure why I'm scared, either. My mom has tried to make it clear that she will support me as best she can no matter what, and I genuinely believe that - but a part of me still thinks that she will say it's a phase, I'm faking it, I'm lying, this is how everyone feels, etc.

Because I'm still telling myself all those things. At this point I'm aware I'm trans. I am nonbinary. I have known this to some degree for almost 3 years. I have already started easing myself into socially transitioning a little bit (in a really messy unplanned way) and I've thought a lot about whether I intend to physically transition and I've decided that's something that is probably necessary (because I cannot wear a binder for 14 hours every day, I just can't, but sometimes I can't not).

And yet. I think a part of me will always doubt this. I can never really prove it to myself, and if I can't prove it to myself how will I justify it to other people? I won't be able to. Then how can I come out at all, if I'm not ready to defend my identity?

I don't want to correct people on pronouns. Confrontation, no matter how small, takes so much out of me. I wouldn't be able to take so much of it so regularly. So I introduce myself with "they/them or she/her", because if I'm going to just use they pronouns I feel like I have to fight for people to use them, constantly, or I'm somehow invalidating not just myself, but everyone else who uses them.

All of this loops back to this ridiculous core belief that it is possible to invalidate my or someone else's gender. It's not. Gender is gender, and sometimes I wish I could change it and have it be easy and just already feel like i fit in my clothes, in my body, in my voice - but I can't, and that's my life, and the sooner I accept that and move on the sooner I can start changing all those things to fit me instead of the other way around.