ed tw - stay safe

why do they still even use bmi to diagnose 4na like that. im gonna fucking kms i stg. despite everything i guess ive never even qualified for a diagnosis. i guess i dont even have a problem then. guess its just fine that i feel like this. i do wanna lose weight and ideally b like mildly underweight but my personal goal isnt even as low as it would need to be for a diagnosis. but i have a lot of these thoughts and feelings and behaviors that fit with 4na and i wanna feel valid so bad because i am a broken person so maybe ill just try to lower my goal to something more dangerous. so yeah thanks dsm. thanks for looking out for all of us mentally ill people. so fucking helpful of you.

begining to relapse and feeling my emotional pendulum swinging between honeymoon phase feelings/we are so back and chilling exestential dread/it is so over

thinking about coming back and doing a bit of rebranding this blog or making a new blog for this. yikes honestly but we'll see. just logged in for the first time in a while. will probably log out again soon. idk. idk if anyone will see this just kind of talking to myself here. hi though if you do. hope ur all doin okay.

kinda thinking about coming back to this blog. like on one hand i know its not worth it and why would i do that to myself but on the other hand i have an immense desire for some wildly unhealthy coping mechanisms lately. i was "recovered" for a while but never really recovered. the desire to come back to this persists. anyway idk. im gonna try my best to talk about this in therapy. but im the mean time i might be lurking around here at least.

im rly gonna set super easy realistic goals for myself.... im gonna do that and im gonna slowly work my way back to being happy with myself but im not gonna overdo it and end up in the binge rebound again

idk if its the same for anyone else but binges tend to feel like they trap me because once i start part of my brain is telling me that ive already ruined everything and part of me thinks that eating will make me happy. and like i feel like i need to keep eating until im happy to make it all worth it baisically. but the problem is ill never feel satisfied when im in binge mode.

it sucks cuz i literally dont wanna be on here but i feel like i have no where else to vent