When I was 16 I swallowed 3 bottles of extra strength pills in my school bathroom because I simply didn’t want to live anymore and I was tired, just so very tired. I couldn’t walk down the halls without being stared at and talked about because the school football team posted things about me online and eventually the rest of the bystanders joined in the harassment. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about, I’m here to talk about how the aftermath of your suicide will affect others in a way that you would never understand. Because you thought no one cared, but they did. So, here’s my story.
I will never forget the look on my parents faces when they had to sit back and watch their little girl almost die from uncontrollable seizures. They had tear stained eyes and puffy cheeks. But what fucks me up the most was seeing my dad cry. I’ve only ever seen my dad cry twice. The first time was at his mothers funeral, and the second time was when I tried to end my life.
One of the responding fire fighters was a coach from one of my sport teams. And for a fearless man who ran into burning homes as a job, he couldn’t move from the corner of the room because the successful athlete he watched grow up was dying in front of his eyes.
My 2 best friends experienced the hardest part. They were the ones who found my limp unconscious body slouched up against the bathroom stall. They were the ones who had to be physically torn from my side because they didn’t want to let go of my hand. And to this day, they still have nightmares about that morning like it was yesterday.
A girl from my school who had also tried to take her own life earlier in the year showed up at hospital bed and gave me the biggest hug. She cried as she tried to explain how great life is, that image is still stuck in my head.
You see, it’s not about how many people will give a shit if you die. It’s about the ones who would, and how bad it would fuck them up for the rest of their lives. People care, and they always will. Suicide isn’t the cure to sadness.
yousharknotpass
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
stormborns
prguitarman
pixelskylines
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
vaporwave
romaincrisis
