Creative Pursuits

Knitting projects underway

Felted slippers to keep my feet warm 😚

I've been absent from tumblr for awhile but I've been crafting and creating none the less

Color exploration and memories captured in watercolor

I've edited this photo a thousand different ways, I come back to it all the time and create a whole new version of what it is constantly. This photo speaks to me, and I want it to grow with me, which is why I'm always re-envisioning it. The reason this photo speaks to me is because it's honest. I'm luckily enough to have so really talented friends, one of whom took this photo, we didn't have some grand idea of a photo shoot, just a peach wall, some nice lighting, and time to kill. I didn't put on makeup, or do anything to my hair, I put on a cotton night gown and sat down. This photo is a honest representation of what I look like. This version of it is edited, but nothing about me has changed amongst all the edits. And the shocking thing about this photo is I like it, and I think this may be the closest I will ever get to seeing myself the way other people see me, to looking at myself without all my insecurity and fear, and seeing myself as if I were looking at someone else. Seeing this photo is the first time I really felt that I was pretty, that I was someone other people might think is pretty too.

Today was exactly what I've been needing.

I don’t do vulnerable very well. I dream of you more often i don’t - and i don’t know how to say this but, when I’m in the front seat of my best friends truck screaming song lyrics - i think of you. When i sit alone at night and get drunk for no reason -i think of you. When my cheeks hurt from smiling too much - i think of you. I bought the same deodorant you use because i can't get enough of you, i re-read all your texts and when i feel lonely i watch your favorite movies, because it’s sort of like watching them with you. I don’t do vulnerable very well, but I love you, and I'm pretty sure that’s what vulnerable means.

I'm terrified of what you mean for me, of what you mean to me. You're the only good thing at home, and nothing should be good at home. I'm running away, I'm leaving this place so I can think clearly - so that I can breathe. And now, now I don't know what to do because if I leave I have to face the fact I'm choosing myself over you, and I'm not sure I can live with that, but I think it's the only way I will get a chance to live.

i played around with recording some of my stuff today

I'll cover my scars in rose petals if it helps you find them beautiful- but they really don't need it. I wear my scars like a tree wears rings, each on is a reminder i'm still alive, and if that isn't beautiful i don't know what is -rem (12/365)

So i think we can all agree loving people is pretty crazy. To love openly without fear or worry is to open the garden of ones heart only to have it walked on, the ground compressing until your very heartbeat feels like an earthquake threatening to break open your chest. To be open in this way is utterly insane, and also the only chance you have at finding the right person. The person who plants seeds between your ribs and waits patiently while together your tears water those seeds into full blown flowers. You are a garden, and i am a garden, and one of us is the gardener, or maybe we both are, i'm a little lost in the metaphor at this point- but the point is, you have flowers growing in you just like i have flowers growing in me and i would love to pick you a bouquet. -rem (10/365)