rose

I am now in seek of shows with strong female leads, and not the kind that serve the male gaze. women are beautiful beings, with depth and strength. and I’m tired of seeing only white women fill this role where women of color should shine. 

we never see the women of color. I’m tired of seeing white women, in fact, I don’t really like them all that much. yeah, I said that. white women fail to see how privileged they are and hide behind the oppression of being a woman. this is the exact camp that men of color fall into, as well as white lgbtq+ people fall into. it’s not a bad thing to have privilege, people, but this world aims to subdue those with marginalized identities, especially those with intersecting identities. 

women of color are beautiful, strong, and creative. where is their representation in the media? and where is the range? women of color are not people who act in opposition of white men. we are people, with varying beliefs, identities, and behaviors, just like anyone else in this world. 

maki. I think out of any of anime shows I have seen, this character is my favorite. I adore her will and her drive to be a jujutsu sorcerer, regardless if she has a cursed technique and regardless if she can see curses in the first place!

it’s cliché, but I think she’s my favorite because I relate to her in so many ways. as someone who is often in male-dominated spaces, I feel the need to toughen up. to prove that I deserve the space I take up. that my words have merit, and if you will not listen to my words, then I will show you with my actions, with my ability to lead. I feel that I am often not taken seriously, so I have to overcorrect with this hard exterior that is not always me, but has had to be me all of my life.

as the eldest child, like maki, it didn’t matter if I was scared because I had to be the example. I had to show my sisters that this life was possible, regardless if we were not men, regardless if we had no father, regardless if we were not white. we deserve our spot in this world. 

it’s incredible. I am scared, almost everyday. scared if I’m doing the right thing or if I am following the right path, but there is this immense resolve I have within myself. I am brave. I am strong. I am unstoppable. I am all of those things because I had to be for my family. when I was given the choice between sinking or swimming, I flew through the water. this life is not easy, but it is mine.

thank you, maki for showing the incredible resolve of us eldest daughters. we are the backbone of our family, the fighter, the mediator, the nurturer, and we are often left thankless. I recognize your strength, maki, and in doing so, I recognize my own.

why not both?

no, but if I had to pick, it’s gonna be weed all the way babe.

you know, my family has a history of addiction, therefore making me susceptible to addiction. I’m not saying I’ve never been addicted to either of these substances, but I hate the connotation that comes with addiction.

I’m a psych major, and although I love learning about the human mind and all of the complexities that come with being human, I’ve fallen trap to wanting to “fix” myself. diagnosing myself when I haven’t attended a day in grad school. it’s nice that our generation wants to heal ourselves from the trauma previous gens have given us, but why can we not simply be okay with who we are now?

the pandemic has aged us and we think we have to have it all together right now. I’m done with that.

shut the fuck up and light that joint, kalah. manage yourself and if it becomes a bigger problem, seek help (which I have already done in the past). I’m done with putting restrictions on myself and treating myself like a self-improvement project. I’m human and our race fucks it up all the time. 

I was a shy kid

when it came to family, I was bubbly and silly, but when it came to outsiders, I'd hide my face and lose all of the fun characteristics that came with being kalah.

in the middle of seventh grade, I don't know what happened, but I think I realized life was a construct and I could act how I wanted to, no matter if I actually felt that way. so, I stopped being shy and I became everyone's friend. I found “confidence.” I made everyone laugh and my circle grew. this “amicable” trait only grew as I got older.

but now that I’m older, I don't know if I'm the extrovert I always thought I was. I don’t think I was always confident. brave? yes, to choose to come outside of myself and socialize with others, but not confident enough to choose what actually made me happy.

when you enter college, get a job, leave home, etc., you realize that you don't necessarily have to hang out with the same people you always did. you don’t have to participate in all of the activities/hobbies you did in high school. in life, you don’t really have to do anything.

so, then what’s the point? I don’t think that there is some meaning to it all, but that you create your own meaning. so what does life mean to me?

--

let’s get back to the “not confident enough to choose what actually made me happy” part. I don’t think I was necessarily lying to myself about enjoying hanging out with friends, but hanging out with friends and doing things together don’t make me happy, it’s the connection you make between other people that brings me joy. for me, connections are special. I crave deep bonds with others and I cherish all of the differences that make up a person.

I thought I could find this if I kept putting myself out there and making friends, which is not inherently wrong, but the way I went about it was.

see, being this outgoing, friend-making, rambunctious person is a part of me, sure, but then I think to little kalah. the younger version of myself who was content with family, a couple friends, and my environment. I don’t think I’ve been true to that part of myself. little kalah always found big crowds and big groups to be overwhelming, and I don’t think that changed as I changed into this new version of myself. what changed was my ability to push those traits away to appease others and make my circle happy. 

I’ve realized, in order to make those deep connections I so desire, you have to put out what you want people to receive. you can attract anyone with any face, just like how you can act outgoing to attract other outgoing people, but is that what you really want if that’s not who you are? 

you can only attract those who are true to themselves, when you are true to yourself. 

no wonder I’ve been uncomfortable in the circles I’ve associated myself with. they don’t know the true kalah, however it was never their fault. I am only now understanding that little kalah was worth befriending all along.

I’m an introvert, and I’m happy with that. 

I’ve noticed that I’ve always prided myself on having respect from others. “I don’t care if you agree with me, but you will respect me.”

in reality, no one owes me anything. how can I ask others what I don’t have for myself?

respect is given, not asked for. stop asking for people to like you, to respect you, to care for you. do it for yourself first, and people will follow. to put yourself out in the world to in turn receive something back, is selfish. give freely and without expectation. if you cannot limit your expectations of others, then stop giving. 

I’m so happy I have redownloaded this app and revamped my profile. I think I’ve always meant to be on this website haha. I’ve been struggling recently with who I am, but this entire site is based on your interests and those you share with others.

I am a people pleaser at heart and I think in trying to make others happy, I lost sight of what makes me happy. what makes kalah happy. I’m almost 22 and sure that feels old to me now, but in reality, my life is only now beginning. my life doesn’t end after I graduate college. 

it’s no one’s fault for me losing sight of what makes me, me. I could never blame my ex, my friends, or any of the organizations I’ve involved myself in. I do feel though that I have been participating in the same activities since middle school and high school, and I’ve lost sight of the reason why I started these activities in the first place.