Eight Things To Do If You Accidentally Commit A Consent Violation Because You're A Fucking Idiot
a consent violation happens anytime one partner states a boundary or asks to stop, and the other partner doesn't uphold it.
it can also happen when a partner introduces an activity without getting consent first.
when this happens with malicious intention it's obviously assault, but some consent violations happen by accident: for example, when a boundary is forgotten or misinterpreted, or when a safeword goes unheard or misinterpreted.
if you're the top, dom, rigger or giver of an accidental consent violation with a trusted partner:
Step One: embrace that this is 100% your fault.
a bottom may try to blame themselves. they might feel they could have reminded you of something, been clearer, or called a safeword.
these lines of reasoning are all bullshit, and if you accept such outs (or worse, try to argue them yourself) then you're weak.
the only thing that matters is what tangible changes YOU can commit to in order to ensure that you never make that sort of mistake again--and then, showing over time that you can keep those commitments.
2. expect (and probably, initiate) multiple rounds of conversation about the incident.
it's not uncommon for a bottom who's initially dismissive about something you screwed up to find later that they're struggling to trust you and/or themselves.
so after a kink-accident or misunderstanding, don't be surprised if an initially dismissive conversation is followed shortly afterwards by one or more much harder conversations.
it might even help to initiate 2nd and 3rd conversations about it yourself;
and ideally, all of those discussions should be part of an ongoing conversation about the play you guys have and how you each feel about it.
3. if being told about your mistake makes you feel sad or depressed, the odds are pretty good that you should shut the fuck up immediately.
your sense of guilt is not only useless, but it's ultimately self-centered. punishing yourself does not fix anything, and doing so openly can cause your partner to feel bad about telling you the truth.
at all costs, avoid a situation where a person you hurt is compelled to switch to a caretaker role to comfort you about your fuckup. whether you intend it or not, that's inherently manipulative.
if you feel compelled to "punish" yourself, do so in private by making a point to think about the harm you've caused, actively feeling the associated emotions, and then eventually letting them pass. repeat as necessary.
4. recognize that as a top, dom or rigger, negative feedback is one of the greatest gifts anyone can give you.
it takes a strong partner to call out the broccoli stuck in your teeth. someone who doesn't care would've just let you walk around like that.
so be grateful, and if possible, do your best to help your partner feel good about the concern they've brought to you.
5. don't stop until you get to the core of what happened.
even if the bottom insists that they weren't harmed in any way by your mistake, the fact that it happened means you've fallen into bad habits which need to be dealt with--otherwise, your next mistake (even a "small" one) could result in someone being hurt very badly.
if you didn't hear someone, you need to ask why you weren't listening more closely. if you misunderstood someone, you need to ask why you didn't clarify with your partner. if you forgot something, you need to ask how you developed bad habits with communication.
if intoxicating substances were present at the time of your fuckup, you should be prepared to ask yourself tough questions about your relationship with those chemicals (and yes, that includes marijuana).
the answers to these questions are sometimes complicated, and dealing with such problems is often something that happens over time.
6. keep working to establish better habits and continue the conversation.
actively seek feedback from your partners. it helps to sometimes ask specifically about what sort of ways you can improve.
7. understand that even if it was an accident, if people are hurt then they are not obligated to forgive you.
8. additional, unknown things that I can't include here because i don't know everything and my own learning process is ongoing.
-RG
