Roommate Hell

So I always try to go in the kitchen when my roommate is not using it, (I’ve even stopped cooking and have started making only ready-made and microwavable meals so I don’t have to spend more than five minutes in the kitchen) but as  usual, he comes in to talk to me. He tells me that he took two Ambien and had some red wine last night, which I think is a bunch of BS. I know that the idiot druggie took his regular helping of Ketamine...

He starts laughing and I was like it’s not funny but whatever floats your boat. Then he asked me if I wanted some bacon, and I was like “No thank you,” then I go to the sink to wash some dishes, and he gets right next to me and waves the bacon in my face so it’s almost touching it, saying “Mmm, doesn’t it smell good!” 

So I step away and say “You know what. I don’t want to talk to you. Not right now. Not ever. And you’re always talking to me through my closed doors. A closed door is a symbol for “Don’t talk to me!” You have no respect for boundaries. I am going to grow to resent  you.” (I already do but you guys know what I mean...) He was like, “Oh, that’s okay.” And I turned around and “I said it most certainly isn’t. I fucking live here. You’re going to respect my boundaries if it kills you.”  And then I turned around and walked away.

So I like peace and quiet in the mornings but my roommate feels compelled to talk to me, or sing loudly. This is why I try to always avoid being around him but I have to leave my room out of necessity. He was singing loudly this morning, and I wanted to tell him to shut the fuck up, but instead I said “Can you please chill?”

And so he starts talking to his dog like “Oh, she wants us to chill. I think we made her mad.” Tired of his passive aggressive bullshit, I went into my room and started talking on the phone to my friend. So then he yells, “I’m  going to take a nap.” I tried as hard as I could to restrain myself but my anger got the best of me.

So I went outside and said through his door: “I don’t understand why you have to tell me every detail of your life. I don’t care!”

So after his nap my roommate got up, came to my door, said loudly “I feel so much better.” When I didn’t answer, he knocked on my door and was like, “Are you all right?” I still didn’t answer and he asked again, so I said, “I’m fine.”

He goes, “Do you want to be left alone?” I go “I always want to be left alone.” Then he’s like I’m about to make some cookies. Do you want some? I said, “No, I’m fine.” “I just want to show you my appreciation,” he insists.

And then I go “If the way you act is the way you show appreciation to somebody, I would hate to see how you treat somebody that you hate.” All he could do was laugh and so then “I would like to be left alone.” Finally he left.

I immediately was angry with myself for not trying harder to find somebody, but I have to forgive myself because first of all I was in a gigantic hurry to move out. I’ve hardly lived with roommates and I didn’t really know how it all worked, and he told me what I wanted to hear when we met up. I just have to keep telling myself it’s a temporary situation and good things come to those who wait.

Similarly, I was thinking of inviting over this dude that I used to mess with that has a mullet/rat-tail hairstyle thingy and telling my roommate that I was pregnant with his twins and that he might need to move in (Don’t judge, he was pretty cute even though he had a mullet!) There are plenty of websites where I can get a fake sonogram.

I normally don’t like to lie but I long for a clean and quiet home with no conflict! I would most likely do it towards the end of the lease so if he was already thinking of moving, it would cement his thoughts!

So my roommate came into my dog room to show me a picture with Kim and Kanye sitting at a Lakers game where he was part of the background and then he goes “I’ve been trying really hard to be a good roomate. How have I been doing?”

More weird stuff my roommate has done:

*Regularly walks away from me while I’m talking to him, and when I call him out on it, he says, “I get bored easily.”

*The first week I moved in, I needed to run some errands, and my car was in the shop so I asked him if he was going grocery shopping. He said he was so I asked if he could take me along. I try to get in the front seat and he has a contraption for his dog to sit there so he tells me to sit in the back. I was like “Are you kidding me?” And he was like I don’t feel like taking this contraption down. I almost said that I would Uber but the round trip would have cost me 20 dollars and that’s money I could have put towards groceries. So I sucked it up and went. Then, while we were at the grocery store, we split up to get our stuff and when I was done, I couldn’t find him everywhere so I go to the front of the store and then ask the guy working there if he saw a guy walking out with a pug. He was like yeah probably 15 minutes ago, and again, I said, “Are you kidding me?”I had left my phone at home charging. I decided to wait outside the store for a few minutes and nothing so I start walking home and he pulls up while I’m on my way home and says sorry, I thought I left the oven on. I was like, “Really dude, you couldn’t even bother to find me and let me know, or let the security guard at the front know? Wow.” That was the last time I ever went anywhere with him in his car.

-So I have been very blessed not to see him for about three days--don’t worry, I still do hear his LOUD ass—But a couple days before that he came into the room to talk to me about some bullshit and he picked up my Tibetan prayer wheel and started spinning it around. My first instinct was to say “Please don’t touch my shit,” but I decided to be nice and instead said, “You have to chant “Om Mani Padme Hum,”  while you do that. But then he started making weird noises and shaking his head back-and-forth. So I said, “Can you please put that down and get the hell out of here before Buddha curses both of us?”

-On Friday, I was on the phone and he interrupted me four times to tell or ask me some dumb stuff that could have waited until later

The other day, my friend was supposed to come over and call me when he got here (I was in the yard having a cocktail.) So then my roommate comes to the yard to tell me that my friend is here. I get up to get him and see that he is still standing outside, which I think is pretty odd.

Just like my therapist said, I’m living with an overgrown child.

The interesting thing is, if you know someone doesn’t really like you and doesn’t really want to talk to you or have anything to do with you, why don’t you stay out of their way?

I don’t think my roommate understands these types of social graces. It’s like he’s like one of those kids that I interact with that really enjoys attention, whether positive or negative.

Out of every 10 interactions we have, nine of them are initiated by him. He bought a new “luxury” car today and begged me to come outside and see it even though I acted completely disinterested.

He farted really loudly (his bathroom is across my TV room) and then five minutes later knocked on my door and asked if I heard it. I just turned my TV way up and I heard him laugh.

A few minutes after that he knocks on my door again and I turn my TV down and I go “What do you want?”

And he’s like don’t come out here—it stinks.”

“I wasn’t planning to,” I said.  Most people would have probably gotten madder than I got at that moment but farting and singing loudly is the worst thing he has been doing lately and I’ll take that over how he used to act.