rona

Hi, I am currently stuck in NYC until 5:10 when I am done with my last class of the semester. I know that sounds like amazing and I should take advantage of my time here, but I have some reasons of why I will not be doing that today:

It is genuinely freezing out. According to my weather app, it is 36 degrees, but it actually feels like 19 because of the 16 mph winds. It is just too cold.

I have the heaviest bag on me right now. It's a gorgeous Burberry with one strap and pretty suede, but it is so heavy because of my water bottle and MacBook. The strap also falls off of my right shoulder, so I can only wear it on my left.

I am tired. Yes it's true, I am very tired and motivationless.

I am alone. I know some may say that the city is wonderful when you're alone... but when you're here alone for the 400th time in a row, it kind of sucks. I just don't really know where to go today, I am in Midtown and I don't feel like taking any subways elsewhere.

So I have come to the conclusion that I actually might be my downfall. My laziness and lack of motivation really drag me down. But I've made a promise to myself to be better next year. I just have to be, no excuses. I am Ms. Excuses.

On the bright side, my sister comes home from Nashville tonight. It's crazy, I go through days where I am so happy and then other days where all of the things stressing me out, pile on top of each other in my brain. Like the big one right now is how I have to get an internship for next semester... oh god. Like I have a meeting next week with someone who will help me with this but for some reason it won't leave my brain. I also failed one of my classes that I had a 100% or something in because I accidentally missed my final. Yikes. I also believe that I have relationship OCD. I question everything always in my head because I am so scared I guess. I am like having a crazy resurgence of it in my brain right now. In like, October, I always felt amazing about it. Now I feel like I am losing track or something.

Let me explore this in another paragraph.

I feel like we argue a lot now. I feel like things get taken personally a lot, but I also feel like it's my fault because I am lowkey annoying. I also feel like we see each other every day but we are lowkey distant right now. Its kind of hard for me to see it like that, but I feel something wrong. But it could also just be me. I feel like it is just me and I want to talk to him about it, but I don't want to stress him out and I also know it is going to make me cry. I also feel like my jokes have been meaner for this reason and I feel awful. I might literally start crying in the middle of Starbucks right now. I fully am actually. I am also getting my period soon, but I am just really down today. But I will talk to him about it today. I just don't want him to be angry so I don't know how to approach it, I also don't even know what I will say to him. I just feel weird right now and I don't know how to express that. I feel like there has been weird tension between us.

Good afternoon. It has been over a month since I have updated my blog. I have been working and enjoying my winter break - kinda. It was a little tragic and I was mostly really unhappy throughout the whole break and I didn't know why. I think a lot of it stemmed from missing my sister and processing the fact that things are really really changing. I was working a lot so I didn't get to see her and when I did see her my bf was with me and when he wasn't there, it didn't feel the way it used to (for me at least) but not in a bad way. I think she just got lazy and was also on her period and slightly mad at me cuz my bf was there all the time, but I felt really guilty about it the entire time. I cried to my bf every night and he was like "hello are you good??" (obviously not actually like that) but I would be like "idk I just miss Tess" (Tess is my twin) but I would cry like more than I ever have in my life. I think I literally had a streak of 3 weeks. I'm a fairly happy person so it was confusing, I also really couldn't pinpoint exactly what made me so upset. I felt bad for my bf because it was a lot of me whining and not doing anything. And he felt bad for me cuz he felt like he couldn't do anything to help me. I know I should've spent more time with my sister but I didn't and I can't ever get that time back. I'm going to try to do that differently in the summertime. The break was about a month long for my school and I was going back and fourth between CT (where I'm from) and Long Island (where my bf is from) for work and to see my family. I didn't really hang out with my friends until the end so I was drained of social interaction and it killed me. I was dying to talk to people and I like don't really have many college friends either so I didn't have anyone to hang out with like that. I think that was another thing that killed me over break.

I want to talk a little but about making friends in the city. My first semester was hard for me because I tried the going out thing and I couldn't get into it. Everyone was screaming, singing songs I didn't really know, drinking, and smoking cigs every night and I just don't do that. I love weed, but on my own time. I feel like my roommates have abused weed, drinking, and cigarettes. Our dorm stinks, they are all always late for class, and they feel really distant now. Which in the long run doesn't matter for me, but I have to live here so its a lot. They aren't bad people either and I'll never be mad about drinking and smoking, but they are at the point of those things being a necessity and it sucks. They have massive groups of people here at night, they use a lot of my things and break them.... idk. I feel bad saying these things but I feel like my dorm isn't mine. But this is not my point. My point is, every time I feel like I want to be friends with someone, they just want to party. This is what I've realized about college in Manhattan. Where are the people who lowkey hate going out and drinking??? Everyone here vapes too. I thought it was 2025 and we were over that. People always pull out "Geek Bars" and I feel like I'm watching a weird fad happen right in front of me. And I know I sound like "oh I'm better cuz I don't blah blah" and I'm not saying I'm better. These just aren't my people and I wish there were a little more of the people who don't give into that at my school. I respect if you need to smoke, but the fact that a lot of these people that I see in groups are only friends with each other to get nic or weed from each other makes me sad. I feel like I am missing out, but a lot of times when I'm with people, they get into these insane conversations about their favorite geek bar flavor or whatever and I have nothing to say. I literally just get imposter syndrome in a group setting like that. It happens just a little too often at my school. Anyways... that's my rant of the day tysm for reading.

Good afternoon. I worked my first 3 AM shift last night. I said to my bf before I went "I feel like I'm gonna get my period while I'm there" and guess what.... I got it while I was there. But I have to say, the shift went by fairly quickly, it didn't feel like 8 hours. I am extremely, extremely tired right now though. Like I feel like actually horrible and I have the most vile cramps of my life. I have this little bear from Walmart who vibrates, his name is Lucas and I am using him right now. He isn't really stopping the cramps, but it's okay. Bf is at work and I just finished up some classwork. One more week until the semester is OVER!!!!!!! I'm really excited because I'm so done. I have a couple more things to work on and then I'm all done. Yesterday, before work, I went to another job with my bf. His mom works for this modeling company and he has to check people in to get headshots and things. I met this really cool photographer and she wants to do this in Brooklyn and I was like "erm let me join you please" because that's like amazing for my resume, especially as a film student. She was like yassss. But I had a lot of fun there, I saw his mom's dance studio for the first time and it was pretty cool, I also checked people in even though I wasn't getting paid. It was fun for me. Anyway, I don't have much to say today.

Good evening, team. My bf got me a job at a place. It is a "small business" and it happens to be on Poshmark... that's all the details I'm gonna give. But, I went in for training a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't go last weekend because it was Thanksgiving so I am finally going in again this weekend. Today in acting, this girl said something about how she works at H&M and I am tweaking because how is it so easy for everyone to find a job here????? I've been here for almost 4 months and I'm still jobless. I've been to 7 job interviews. I was hired twice and nothing happened. Anyways, I just want a normal retail or restaurant job nearby and I don't know why that's so hard. I have two whole years of retail experience too! But anyway, this job doesn't send the schedule to everyone, you have to ask for it. My bf texts me "you're on at 3 AM on Sunday" and I am like... what are you talking about??? I had to ask him to give me the schedule, no one informed me. Then I see the schedule and it says

me: Saturday (7:45 pm - 3 am), Sunday (7:45 pm - 3 am)

And I'm like freaking out because I have final on Monday at noon.

I'm like "bro I can't do that", I said my availability is weekends and 3 am is no longer Sunday. He was like "yeah but you're new, you can't really do anything blah blah". And yes, I'm new, but these people need to respect that I am a student and they already treat their employees pretty badly.

UPDATE: I wrote this last night while I was upset, but I texted someone and now I don't have to work that shift. Anyway, I never finished writing because my bf came over last night and we got food and talked to one of my roommates. It was really nice. BUT anyway.. today I saw my grandma for the first time in 4 months because my dad wasn't allowing me and my sisters to talk to her because he's crazy. I decided that I love her and I wanted to go see her, so I did. She got to meet my bf and I got to be at her house and it was actually amazing. Also today was the last day of one of my classes and I just feel so weird, I can't believe it's finally ending. Anyways... I'm a little dizzy right now for absolutely no reason so I'm probably gonna go to sleep now.

Love, Rona.

Here was my outfit today and my bf drinking lemonade.

Good evening. Today was very slow. I woke up with my bf next to me and I was freaking out because I really didn't want to get up. Some days, you just have one thing that you have to do that really makes you not want to get up because you don't want that one part of the day to happen. For me, it was a podcast that I had to make with two guys in my class. They had to come in my dorm and I just really didn't feel like having that happen. I did, however, skip class this morning because I found out that he's only marked me absent once. I've been absent from that class multiple times. Eventually, I did do the podcast and it was really chill and it went well. Once that part of my day was done, I didn't know what else to do. Today felt very Christmas-y - as it should - and I embraced the holiday-ness. I walked to a bagel place nearby on 6th avenue and I ate there. It happened to be pretty empty and every time I go it's full so I decided to sit down and enjoy my sandwich. Literally, the music was gorge, the sun was going down, and they had fairy lights and I was so satisfied. My bf was on the phone and he was tweaking because he was overwhelmed and I felt so bad because I was so cozy. He is fine now, which is good, but, I hate when people I love are tweaking because then I start to tweak. Especially because I don't know what to do to help them. I don't have an outfit for today because I threw on a bunch of sweaters, my jacket, and hats and scarves and ran out of the door. Then I got home and smoked with my roommate and pretty much ate 200 hi-chews. My stomach is weirdly okay though. Tomorrow I have acting class again and it is so stressful because I have to remember 2 whole scenes and I'm just not an actor at all. I am a film student and I wanted to scout out actors. I desperately need to start making videos and short films again so badly. I think I might become a vlogger too. I just need to create.. I'm literally having creative block and it's tragic. Semester is almost over though, a week and a half left: 10 days until break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love, Rona.

This was my view at the bagel place.

Good afternoon, it is freezing out today. I love it and I hate it. Since I go to school in NYC, I literally have to walk everywhere and it is too cold for that. I am layering up with scarves and hats and stuff, but my nose doesn't ever get warm... Today marks 3 months since my bf and I got together and it feels good. Literally such a short time, but also long. I feel like I've known him forever, but I also feel like I just met him. I'm so happy though. Anyways, today I am having that RA meeting with my roommates.. in about an hour. I have pink hair dye in my hair right now and I'm waiting for it to settle. My hands are all pink now. This is my excuse to go buy myself winter gloves. I went to my acting class this morning and in my second class, I got to leave early. It was gorge. I just finished all of my work for that class. I just have to do some workshopping on other people's things, then I'm all good for the day. Today happens to be 5sos's 13th anniversary so happy anniversary 5sos.

Update: RA meeting when smoothly. Me and my roommate ended up doing all of the talking and it initially had nothing to do with us... I expressed how I am tired of people being loud in the dorm though and how we should do our own dishes. That all felt good to get out. I still wish we wouldn't have people over all the time, but I can't really say that because my boyfriend is there a lot. He is so quiet though and the people they have over are so loud. Anyways....

Love, Rona.

Good afternoon. I’m in class right now and I’m supposed to be working with a group but we’re done talking so now I’m writing my first blog. My professor called my group and I “the phone group” cuz we’re all on our phones. I’m in a group with two guys that I barely know the names of but they’re cool. I am literally the voice of our group though cuz when my professor asks us about our project I’m speaking. I have 2 more weeks of classes until the semester is over and I literally have no friends. My roommates and I are all having issues now too. We have an RA meeting at some point this week. My bf got upset with me because I said I was gonna try to skip the meeting. It has nothing to do with me, it’s my suite-mates problems with each other. He was saying “you really shouldn’t miss that, you can mediate for them, I’m tired of your roommate dragging you down” and I actually just stood there and smiled. I just don’t like when people confront me. It makes me shy. Ultimately, he was right. Yes it’s their problem and they need to work it out themselves, but I do have problems with the situation too. This morning, I woke up to my roommate’s friends being loud. They came into my room to grab some stuff but they were whispering really loudly. I just pretended to be asleep cuz I didn’t wanna chat. Then they progressively forgot how to whisper and they all came into my room RIGHT next to my bed. My alarm went off and the first thing I said was “you guys are being so loud omg” and they were all like omg sorry…. But like…. It’s not even 10 AM and you’re inviting people into our room????? Ugh idk what to do anymore. I have my bf there all the time but he’s quiet and he would never ever be loud while my roommate is trying to sleep. Anyways…..

Love, Rona.

Here’s my outfit today.