i ache. & i ache. & ache.

– @romanroths​

LOCATION: escalus house

TIME: 2:15am

– IT’S BEEN A COUPLE NIGHTS SINCE THE LOCKDOWN. she was so angry that night, of course. to see them fight like that, to not BE there. she’d wanted to fight back too, in her own way. in some ways, she looks better in death – because in life, everyone would call her a slut. no one calls dead girls ‘slut.’ 

she doesn’t feel like a slut. just a girl who loved two people, in different ways. selfish, maybe. but not a slut. she didn’t necessarily want roman, but she didn’t want him to be with anyone else – so, she visits him in the stairwell as he leaves iskra’s room, and there’s ire in her eyes. 

a picture frame falls off its’ hook, shatters on the floor. 

she looks at his nose. “ i at least thought you’d fight back, but…you didn’t fight for me much when i was alive either. ” she needs to use him, of course, but she can’t resist a lovers’ quarrel. 

he’s always wafting in guilt after leaving iskra. in fact, it seems the only thing roman is acquainted with these days is guilt. he can feel it burning through his skin, keeping him wide awake at night with its cruel sting. he’s so exhausted from drowning in it, from trying to keep afloat that roman swears his mind is playing tricks on him. that’s why he almost doesn’t react when he sees her, staring at him with something like rage imbedded in her gaze. he already knows deserves it. 

“it isn’t as though you ever let me,” the words falling out of his mouth before he can stop them. he wants to feel more regretful over them, as they float between them, but he can’t bring himself to. it was the truth, after all. he’d spend so much of his time trying to claw his way back into her arms, only to be pushed away for him. the very person who was rumored to have taken her life. 

– GEORGINA SIMPLY FEELS SORT OF…used. not just by roman, but by most figures in her life. she thinks of accompanying her father to all of his press conferences, instructed to stand tall, smile, and not say anything. but today, she is a spitfire, and all of her frustrations come tumbling out to roman in particular, and she will not stand to be anyone’s pawn in some twisted game. it’s MORE frustrating that roman doesn’t know what she’s talking about – at least if he’d hurt her on purpose, it would imply some semblance of caring, of noticing.

but roman roth does not notice her pain, much like everyone else.

“ no, nothing like that, ” she argues, “ honestly, if you can’t figure it out yourself, i DOUBT you can fix it, and…i’m not sure i even want you to. ” her arms fold over her chest, “ you had no right to call me out the other night, to look down on me for how i was acting when – i mean, you used to hit on me all the time while you were dating her. ” georgina presses her lips together, doesn’t meet his eyes for a moment. all she can do is lean back against the wall and feel the brevity of her own disappointment, a daunting realization hitting her.

“ i don’t know if i’m mad at you or just – disappointed, ” she frowns, “ i guess i thought you really liked me, that – that you noticed me, before anyone else. ” georgina is a romantic, she infuses meaning into things that often isn’t there – but she’s never quite realized it before. “ so, you can’t call me out for using YOU, when…well, roman, i think you used to use me all the time. ” finally, georgina peers up at him, and her eyes are shiny and vulnerable from the thought of losing something that was never hers to begin with. “ will you just tell me what’s WRONG with me ? why doesn’t anyone WANT me ? ” perhaps there are some things that money cannot afford.

roman feels like a fish out of water, staring down at the blonde with saucer sized eyes. he’s too sheepish to even draw in a breath, and it’s a wonder he doesn’t fall to the side from a lack of oxygen. he’s awash with something that tastes like guilt. he wants to be madder, to point out that so much of what had transpired was a two-way street. they both had enjoyed the secrecy of gazes that were far too long, and words that were far too telling. he wanted to be braver, to tell her that she could not blame him for wanting to be better. to be the person octavia had deserved in the first place. instead, he gapes down at georgina like a wounded animal, cowering under the sharpness of her words. 

“don’t be daft, georgina, everyone likes you, myself included,” he finally manages, his voice low and lacking the color of concern he’d previously had. his dark eyes avoid hers, he’s afraid of what he might see. a sparkle of tears or a quivering lip, he was afraid of what he might do. his hands find the pockets of his slacks, anchoring themselves there, so he does not reach out and touch her, break the thin barrier they’d always cultivated. “look, g... you’re allowed to be pissed. i know that i could have handled our situation with more delicacy. in fairness, scotch makes me a bit stupider than normal, you of all people should know this. but i didn’t think you’d care, especially not about me or my stupid opinions. i just... i have so much guilt for so many things i did when she was still around. it’s less to do with you and more to do with the fact that i feel like i can never fix things. i’m sorry that resulted in your feelings being hurt, really i am,” his gaze is still tethered elsewhere, fixated on her perfectly pristine shoes. she was so very put together, right down to her feet. 

herbal: post a selfie

unfortunately, i am Not Nick Robinson ( big surprise, i know…. ) so i guess i’ll dox myself lmao. srry in advance. 

rooiboos: 3 facts about my family

purple: what’s your astrological sign? what’s the best piece of advice you ever received? when’s the last time you followed your instincts? what’s your favorite food? what’s your secret dream?

pisces sun, scorpio moon, libra rising

well, technically i never received this, i heard it in princess diaries but lmao.... no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 

i always do, dunno if that is good or bad. 

panzerotti and pierogis 

answered this, but ilysm. 

orange: what makes you feel warm inside? what’s your favorite halloween tradition? what’s the last thing you learned? when’s the last time you felt obsessed? what’s your favorite article of clothing?

seeing people in love, seeing people laugh with their best friends, coming out of a good movie at the theatre, writing, catching a non-crowded subway car during rush hr lmao, when someone plays with my hair, getting an unexpected compliment, feeling pretty, making someone smile. 

definitely jack-o-lanterns!

as horrible as this is, i wrote a paper for someone on jeff epstein so rn i know a bit too much abt his ass. hate that for me. 

uh now. i’m obsessed with the idea of possibly being let out of the house in the near future. 

irish breakfast: what country do you want to visit?

so freakin many! my top picks for the moment are australia, japan, egypt, greece, and iceland. 

peppermint: what’s your favourite holiday and why?

halloween! i just really love how silly it is. i love the idea of dressing up and getting free candy, all the whacky movies that come out, carving pumpkins, the weather, the changing leaves. it’s just all so carefree and fun. it reminds me of being a lil kiddo again. 

pu-erh: 3 random facts about myself

a bich is applying to law school. 

i am a pisces. 

palms: do you believe in magic?

no, i can’t as i never was invited to be a hogwarts student. contemplating that it could be real without participating in that is too difficult. 

ocean: do you have a favorite painting?

sure do. i am a basic bich, i love the kiss by klimt, and a sunday afternoon on the island of la grande jatte. chuck close did a pointillism self portrait that i also rlly love. 

pier: do you like to wear makeup?

red: how was your first kiss? what do you love about yourself? when’s the last time you warmed your hands in front of a fire? would you rather watch a sunrise or sunset? what’s the best thing about summer?

i had my first kiss during a foreign exchange trip to italy with some gorgeous boy i literally had just met bc i was channeling my lizzie mcguire chaos... but it was in the back of a fiat in milan, driving to a mf mcdonald’s lmao. 

i think i’m usually empathetic. i also like that i am no longer a Coward and will go to the movies by myself like the Independent bitch that i am 

i think during the fall? when i still had motivation to bring in the fire wood

sunset. imagine waking up early? could never 

summer nights, walking around without jackets and meeting up with friends. 

blue: what do you do when you’re sad? what are some things you do when you can’t sleep? what was the best (non-romantic) night you’ve had? what kind of covers do you have on your bed? who is the last person you told a secret to?

i watch coraline for some reason, she cheers me up lol. 

day dream about impossible fantasies in which i am y/n, ofc. 

i went to disneyland with my best friend this fall, and the first night we go to anaheim after hanging at magic kingdom for a bit, we went to medieval times and the knight ceaselessly hit on me and it was just very memey. we both had a lot of fun. one for the books. 

i have a plain white duvet and some cotton sheets. 

earl grey: how do you take your tea?

my go-to is chai, i have it with a ton of milk and usually like, one and a half spoonfuls of sugar, and a lil bit of honey. 

rooiboos: 3 facts about my family

i have two full-blooded siblings that are 21 and 16 yrs older than me, my parents are pakistani / afghan immigrants, i have a nephew. 

chai: what do you order at starbucks?

seaside: dream job?

i have about 30984 dream jobs, all of which are highly unrealistic and not at all plausible but a bitch can dream. i would love to write films, sort of like sorkin. but there’s a huge part of me that just wants to be a influencer who gets sent free things and lives in some foncy huge glass house in california so lmao. 

shells: do you have an idol?

i don’t know that have idols, but i definitely have people who provide a ton of inspiration to me, either professionally, aesthetically, or just with their wonderful personalities. my best friend is one, and then there are a few bloggers who make me want to strive to push myself more. 

coral: do you like nicknames?

answered!

starfish: are there any words that you live by?

not to be Soft on the main but, yes. 

waves: favorite music artist?

i have a ton! i feel they change quite often. i’m on a big conan gray kick at the moment. but my all time faves are fall out boy, 5sos, and honestly... one direction lmfao. 

coral: do you like nicknames?

i sure do! mar is a nickname for my real name, maaria. though my siblings have a ton of things they call me. my fave nickname they have for me is baby rat. i promise there is a story involved there, and they didn’t randomly begin calling me that.

cove: do you have a special place that you go?

– ROMAN IS ONE OF THE SMARTEST PEOPLE SHE KNOWS. at least, in the classroom, in imperium meetings. he always seemed to have some sort of intelligent witticism, and he’d read books that she hadn’t even heard of. perhaps that’s what makes it all the more frustrating that he can’t read her mind as well, that she has to spell out every cadence of her changing moods for him. georgina has learned a lot of patience over these past few months, but her fuse with roman remains short. in fact, she’d be happy to avoid him altogether after the events of the masquerade, but he has other plans, catching up with the click of her heels and pulling her aside. 

“ excuse me, the…mickey ? ” she furrows her brow at the antiquated word choice. she can’t even look at him. he doesn’t know it, but he’s just another reminder of inadequacy, all the areas where she isn’t quite GOOD ENOUGH, all the ways that she isn’t desirable. after all, she can tell herself that wolfie’s grieving, that he’s going through a hard time, but…will she have to face that perhaps no one wants her, and it has nothing to do with grief at all ? after all, she knows that roman’s sex drive works, the walls in her apartment are thin. and she looks so damn cute today too, her skirt is short and…this sweater is gucci ! 

“ listen, roman, i don’t know if whatever happened with lysander knocked out whatever brain cells you had left that evening, but YES, ” she folds her arms over her chest, leaning against the back wall, “ you’re a fucking prick. i don’t want anything to do with you. ” 

they shared a silent waltz. they always had. it was always this quiet dance around whatever it was they did to each other, whatever it was they meant to each other. roman was never quite sure why he’d participated in it in the beginning, the guilt rising in his throat often at every comment he knew could be misconstrued. there’s a fine line between what is appropriate and what isn’t, and he never means it. not in the ways that one uses sweetened words to undress or possess a heart. the simple truth of is that georgie was sweet and beautiful, and roman found great pleasure in pulling a smile from her glossy lips, even if he didn’t always feel good about his methods. besides, he used to be so good at it. a special talent of sorts... though as of late, she seemed more gelid than warm. 

it doesn’t take much for her to tip, scathing rage burning him with her words. roman feels entirely dumbfounded, blinking down at her stupidly as he tries to form the words. perhaps he’d been entitled to some of her wrath but he can’t place why he’s being subjected to this much. perhaps it’s misplaced. perhaps she’s fighting with wolfie once more. he wants to roll his eyes but he’s half-convinced she’ll deck him if he manages.