Tell me, is there Balm in Gilead?

“this is your sweater.”

    “I would’ve thought that suggests it’s intended to look good on me. Either way, if you’re going to be stealing my clothes, you better start paying my DRY CLEANING bills.” 

bellatrix let out a growl as the younger student ran away. “that bellend spilled it which is why their bloody phone is in a thousand pieces,” she gestured to a phone lying in a pool of coffee a few staircases below them. “i was about to make them get me another one but then you had to show up and let them go,” she hit him in the chest to emphasize each of the last three words.

     “How did you let them near it, anyway?” He asked mostly just to ask, scrolling through the feed on his screen. The hand that came dangerously close to wrinkling the front of his burgundy shirt was intercepted JUST in time, if only because anyone who met this girl more than once knew to expect such things. Fingers around her wrist, Rodolphus guided the hand away from himself, thank you very much. And if the angle was a tad unnatural, he did not mind.

   “Sweetcheeks, did Druella NEVER TELL YOU one shouldn’t touch what doesn’t belong to them?”

casting his eyes downward to inspect what he’d decided to throw on that morning, augustus pouted, then looked up at rodolphus with a wounded frown. 

‘ —— my nan knitted this. ’

    "My point PRECISELY, although I suppose the good grandson act and the whole,” Rodolphus waved a vague hand, “puppy dog eyes thing you’ve got going on might just counteract it. Either way, you’re planning to stand there forever or will you sit down so I can get yesterday’s DADA notes? Your fault for not waking me up in time, you know.”

“Ugh,” Pandora took off her sweater immediately, giving Rodolphus a frown even though she knew he was right. “I’m THINKING this purple blazer might be nice for the next Hogsmeade trip,” she commented, grabbing it from the clothing rack in front of her. “I’ll just keep that sweater for when we binge Westworld. You’ll just have to deal with it then.”

    “I still can’t believe you bought a good purple blazer when it matches with none of my shit. When are you shopping for me? You’re the only one I can trust with this, anyway.” 

   Emerging — EMERGING from the billows of smoke around the armchair he was sitting in ( not like it was set up this way and definitely not like he’s been suffocating for good two minutes just for the aesthetic ), Rodolphus reached over Pandora, chin lazily resting on her shoulder, and ruffled through an impressively wide array of clothing with a cigarette kept carefully at an arm’s length from any and all fabric. “Great, because forty minutes of envious longing after being an AI isn’t enough of a torture,” he fished out what must’ve been the only other reprehensible piece of clothing in that wardrobe — courtesy of cousin Janet and the bi-annual gifting spree, no doubt — and mounted it atop Pandora’s head with feigned festivity. “This can be salvaged as halloween attire, by the way. I’ll go as Clementine if you go as Maeve.” 

“that’s a bold face lie, mate. what matters is what’s underneath the sweater. my heart. but you’re probably right. my ex got me this sweater.”

     “The SHEER AMOUNT OF PATIENCE one would need to rely on their heart for such matters, Edgar.” Rodolphus sighed, eyeing the sweater once more with new information in mind. “Ah, well, I see now why you broke up with them. ”

                “ YOU’RE TALKING OUT OF YOUR ARSE , LESTRANGE . i could be wearing a black bin bag and i’d STILL get laid . “

    “That some new KINK?”

Benjamin clenched his jaw as Rodolphus adjusted his robe. People adjusting his clothes and hair were one of his pet peeves and he’d usually smack their hand away or utter a few well chosen (or more impulsively, to be honest) words to make them stop. Sometimes he allowed it, but rarely and by approximately a handful of people. Since he did consider Rodolphus a friend, he let it pass. Though he did readjust it afterwards again, to have a final say. 

“Don’t flatter yourself,” Ben scoffed. “What? I can be pleasant. But I don’t owe it to them,” he said, nodding accusingly towards the Hufflepuffs. As if Rod had just offended his entire family in one sentence, Ben glared at him. “Deck them with my broom? Are you out of your mind? It’s for flying, not to whip people with, especially not badgers. Give me a beater bat then we can talk. — Wha-?” Benjamin felt his ears turn bright red and he folded his arms across his chest, scowling at the older Slytherin. “I’m all good. Only in your dreams, Lestrange.”

    Chin tipping upwards just slightly in a mix of almost impressed confusion, Rodolphus half-heartedly rolled his eyes at the readjustment of robes. It would be no delight to annoy if Benjamin could not annoy back; and historically, not many other people managed. It was, if you must, a trait somewhat respectful.

   “Me? Flattering myself? Unheard of,” he drawled, starting to walk towards the nearest bench to study for the project while they were at it. “Well MY BAD for confusing two essentially interchangeable pieces of wood.” Averting his eyes to try and keep a straight face, Rodolphus — by way of family’s occupation, plenty acquainted with all things wooden — still attempted to spew shit infuriatingly ignorant, if only to see what it’d do to Benjamin. He did love to torment him so, in whatever ways available. Noticing the shade of his friend’s face out of the corner of his eyes, he let his own face convey no more than shamelessly feigned concern. “You feelin’ hot, buddy?”

                           ❛  aw, really ? i thought it was sexy. ❜

turning around lily faces him with her brows knitted together in confusion, “who says i’m trying to get laid? i would say my sweater is sending a perfect message then so, thank you for your unwanted input.”

   “SAD. But valid, I suppose.” Rodolphus added as an afterthought, looking up with a little more interest. “One does need a reprieve from time to time. What is it that the lot of you does these days, then, other than thinking up ways to assault people’s senses?”

  ❛ — If that’s your tactic into convincing me to give it up, you need a better one. I look great in anything, let’s not kid ourselves. ❜

Dorcas frowned whilst glancing down at her chunky knit sweater before turning her eyes back up at the boy before her, “I mean… You’re not wrong however, it’s quite cold outside. I dunno if you’ve considered that, but not everyone’s trying to catch a lay between classes. Some of us are trying not to turn to ice.”

    “One could argue getting laid is a WONDERFUL way of avoiding such a fate, if done right. But whatever floats your boat, of course.” Suddenly aware that it was quite chilly, he was already starting to regret leaving that jacket upstairs; perhaps even desperately enough to contemplate paying the elves a visit. 

   “You’re not on your way to the kitchens, are you? No one should be trusted to go down there alone, you know.” Rodolphus side-eyed Dorcas, spinning his chair to face her and moving away from a stack of papers he wanted to escape from for two solid hours now. “Limitless amounts of food tailored to your every request is too much power even for me. Merlin, FINE. I’ll keep you company.”

“ Neither is your face, but it’s a good thing I would never even consider going near the likes of you. There’s not enough money in the world to even tempt me.” Marlene spat out as they lazily walked down the steps from their dorms, shooting a glare at him the second his mouth opened.  There went their plans to sneak out of the common room for the evening, Marlene thought, desperately hoping to themselves that the male would retire to his room soon. 

“I feel obliged to note,” Rodolphus dragged, amused by the vitriol, “that your first associations with GETTING LAID were either money or me. I’ll leave the rest of the insults I could derive from this for you to go and speculate on in your own free time, unless you came down here to act on either one of those impulses. Take a seat, in that case, I’ll offer free therapy.” 

“ While I agree, it may be best on us if he doesn’t ever reproduce, sweater or not. It looks like some hideous homemade disaster.” Evan glanced over his shoulder to see what had caught Rodolphus’ attention, distaste lacing his features as he gave the student a one over. “ Though I do think the sweater is the least of his worries, have a look at those torn up shoes.”