ReBelle

down another one / of those back alley pathways 

into the warm and quiet 

out of my head / and into your body 

and my body 

how do you know? / oh

get the shovel out / let’s bury it 

once and for the rest of the time / i’ll know you 

you'll be seeing me / around 

ill be seeing you 

wonder why the stars shine

wonder if the sadness might / eventually / kill me 

you know that stinging that wont ever stop 

it feels like something in you / slowly / dying 

you know that feeling when the lying stops 

the ice is still there but you're not sure how strong it is 

drive it out now 

wait and see / if the levy holds

my heart  / yours and mine together now 

all the lonely people / how they know 

I like meeting with your projection under summer skies 

I like losing myself to music in the bar at night 

I like winning just as much as I like sinning

I like having nothing that I give a damn about, too

I don’t believe in anything anymore

even as your sweetness

tender on my face arranges

into the nape of your neck

even as your oiled scent

hangs over me like a dream

I miss you and I don’t miss anything

I am pockmarked life staring into the mirror

lost the will for caring

I think horrible thoughts

and as I’m walking I look back 

and see myself on the ground

laying face down in wet dirt

or on concrete with a bloody mouth

and it makes me feel good 

to think that I should hurt

after thinking such thoughts

even as I enjoy the sunshine

after thinking about you

I am so easily taken to depression. And yet still so often bathed in excitement for the pressing moment.

I feel as I did in Paris, when everything was possible and I knew nothing would last. I was comfortable in the fact that the whole experience had an end date. I am less comfortable with the idea that something may very well stretch out my entire lifetime. I have commitment issues, as they say. I don’t like the idea of myself conforming to any one person’s vision of how life should be with me. I would rather continue on emoting with the people who I feel most drawn to at the moment. I am so grateful for you now. I will never rescind in that gratitude. It will carry itself for all my days. I am so wildly happy right now; even the darkest thoughts of the world and it’s crushing reality only serve to send me into romantic sentimentality.

Currently fully in my human incarnation.

Feeling the full, continuous weight and bliss of it. Suffering untenably. Then the bliss comes in waves and it’s delightful. Losing you is going to hurt.

Maybe the best way would be to continue to experience and express as flow. I am underwater with you. My losses are set. I accept that at this point, because we spent the entire day together. Even in the face of our own conversations warning against it. I’m having so much fun with you.

how did i ever get so lucky? serendipitously lucky

to find you so sweet as you are 

and the song is 

and the sun is

and the night is 

with you

you’re a perfect dream with faults of a human 

and that’s why this is all so real 

and for that i’m thankful (so thankful)

because i get to wake up to you 

because i don’t know what living is 

without someone like you and i should be more afraid

of how bad it’s gonna hurt 

when your eyes turn away and your boots caked in dirt 

long dusty road are walkin away 

yeah i should reserve a bit of my heart for that 

but i’m having so much fun 

i say i think we might be friends

for honest! at least, that’s what i tell myself 

to go back to loving you true 

because that’s all i wanna do 

I was always only ever meant to be in love

Everything else falls to the wayside

Ive got homework to do

Ive got a house to manage

Ive got things Im responsible for

And yet I only think of you

Only want to see you again

I think I understand the desire for domesticity

In that I think Im losing my mind

In a week Ill probably change my tune

As fresh excitement caves to reality

Youre leaving you say

But you have reasons to stay

I want to be the only reason

I selfishly wish it that way

I want to make you coffee

I want you to learn how to please me

I dont think in reality though that I would be so easy

Youve got some growing to do

You want to hit the road

Youve never been in love, really, have you?

Are you just addicted to my mouth?

Am I just addicted to the rush?

Is this a ploy to distract?

Ive got serious lack of self worth

And you make me feel like I like myself

Is that even true?

What am I saying right now?

Ive got despair on speed dial

Youve got your liver in hand

You say youre gonna die young

What am I going to do?

Watch you self destruct in my arms?

Watch bliss slip through my hands?

Watch the whole world go underwater

Watch my own eyes in the distance

Youve got a lot of nerve you said

Ive got a lot on my mind

You talk a lot about losing

I’m all in the wrong here

I set a premise that I’m not living up to

I told you I was unavailable

Now I wanna clear my schedule

Now I want to change my life

I dont give a fuck what I was planning

I dont give a shit about losing

I want to see if you are what I think you are

I havent felt hope in so long

Im a desperate loser

Im a stupid song right now

You made me like my life again

It lasted a full 24 hours

I cant handle that kind of goodness

Without getting manic bipolar

You’ve got to understand

My weakness is a man who is tender

while bowling me over

I’ve held it all together so long

I need someone to tear me apart

So I can lay on the carpet

And not think about how I look

Or what I need to do next

I just want to make you feel good

Like it’s all that matters

So you can keep looking at me

So you can keep treating me good

Emotionally-Strategic Romanticism 

If time and space were obsolete, I’d be there now. In bone and skin

But with the counted hours far, your hands are close as clouds I’m reaching for. For now

I climb the rolling hills of words and lay upon your windswept sentences in downy reverie

with heaviness of heart

and eagerness of hope

my world belongs to men like you

with heaviness of heart

i accept my place among the women

my world belongs to men like you

and men like you will hurt me yet

i accept my place among the women

i let the emotions come

and men like you will hurt me yet