♛

when lily wasn’t there for him to be blinded, he started to notice the reasons he began to fall for y/n in the first place. of course, he wasn’t going to do anything. she was happy, he was happy. but seeing her happy with someone else made him admittedly more jealous than it should’ve. he broke her heart, he left her alone, it was his fault. he shouldn’t have been upset, but standing in st. mungos seeing y/n curled up into sirius’ side asleep whilst he was looking at her, just studying all of her features, and playing with her hair, he felt a pang to his heartstring. but if he was completely honest with himself, instead of living in a constant state of denial, he would have realised that feeling wasn’t jealousy. it was guilt. because watching them made him think about when he could have had that, and he threw her on the floor like he would a crumpled up potions essay.

“prongs, mate. sit down. y’alright?” sirius said softly, as to not make him jump, and to not wake up y/n. james chuckled slightly, bringing a chair beside his bed. using the same soft tone, he responded “you’re in a hospital bed, and you’re asking if i’m alright?” sirius shrugged with a slight laugh “y’just looked a bit in your own head s’all.” james nodded, barely meeting sirius’ eye “d’you think she hates me?” he nudged his head towards y/n, worried of what sirius would think his question insinuates.

“well… i don’t know. i don’t think so. she was a wreck, james, but i don’t think she could ever really hate you.” taking a bit of a pause, he thought about his next words carefully. “she really struggled, y’know. found it hard to find a reason to get out of bed. thought she wasn’t good enough, not just for you, but for the world. it took its toll. but…” he looked down at her then back at james, stroking and playing with her hair unconsciously. “if she hated you she wouldn’t have cared she wasn’t good enough, she wouldn’t have tried to keep the peace when with our friends, she would have shown you how mad and sad she was, instead of letting you be happy because that’s all that mattered.” james looked relieved, but his speech didn’t do much for his guilt. but that was ok, he deserved the guilt. he knew that.

“so to answer your question, i don’t know. because i’m not y/n, but i do know her. and i can safely say that if she truly hated you, she would have done everything in her power to ruin your happiness. but she didn’t. she didn’t even tell anyone what happened.”

those words were stuck on a loop in james’ head for about a week. over and over, each words replayed with a different meaning. each word held a story, her story, his story, their story. and each one ended with lily and james. but not all of them ended with sirius, because what if? what if sirius hated james for initially ruining his chances with the girl he liked? what if he didn’t stick around? what if he wasn’t there to save the day when y/n needed him?

what if?

what if?

what if?

every time it would just get louder, the voice in the back of his mind. “you could have ruined her belief in love.” “you could have left her alone and someone might not have been there for her.” “you were so selfish, sleeping with lily.” it all drowned out and merged into one big noise, every voice somehow making an appearance every time he opened his eyes, closed his eyes, looked the other way, turned around…

“james.” he was cut off by y/n, her and sirius were staying with him for the rest of the summer. sirius because he had no where else to go, and y/n because neither her nor sirius wanted to leave the other. both james and his parents were understanding, and he wasn’t going to get in the way of her happiness again. “what’s wrong?” she asked, mildly concerned by his behaviour the past couple of days.

“I just want to say sorry” she cocked her head in confusion. “Sorry? Why?” He chuckled humourlessly. “I was a selfish dick to you, who used you to get over a girl i slept with not too long afterwards. And you’re asking me what I’m sorry for?” She shook her head. “James I don’t care anymore. Ok, I was hurt. I wanted to hate you. But I wouldn’t have Sirius without what happened. Because we’d have broken up in a nice clean way, and sirius wouldn’t be needed to help my heartbreak. Things happen for a reason, james. Don’t beat yourself up so much”

That conversation stuck with him, he never thought he’d be missing y/n. And he wasn’t, not really. He was just hiding behind denial and guilt, forcing himself to belief that he hurt her beyond repair. turns out hindsight is a bitch, and james didn’t know how to handle it. he always prided himself in being a classic, charming ‘nice’ guy. but what he did was anything but, and he couldn’t stop the thoughts swirling around his mind telling him that he was a bad person, that he didn’t deserve y/n when he had her, and he certainly doesn’t deserve lily now.

————

james was standing outside his house in the rain, hiding in the little shelter near the back door, he pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his coat pocket, along with a lighter. as he was fumbling with the box, trying to get one out and light it, his mind was continuing to wander. over the past two weeks he was being plagued by guilt, by the idea that he could have hurt someone so badly that they could have stopped believing in something like love. in something that he strongly believed was one of the best things anyone could ever experience.

he was so lost in his thoughts that he didn’t hear sirius open the back door, also sneaking out for a cheeky cigarette whilst y/n was getting ready for bed.

“didn’t realise you were anything more than a social smoker, prongs”

he jumped at sirius’ words, making the boy across from him chuckle as he, too, pulled out a pack from his coat. “well, not normally. just too much going on in my head at the minute, needed something to take the edge of, i guess.” sirius nodded, hesitating slightly before he spoke. “yeah, i noticed that. seriously, prongs, what’s going on. you’ve been acting funny since me and y/n/n got here. since st. mungos. do you not want us here? cause we can-“

james was quick to cut him off “no. no! it’s not that, i just-“ he stopped for a minute, debating whether or not he should be honest with sirius. “i keep thinking about what i did. about the way i treated y/n. and i know- i know that she’s ok, and i know that you two may never have been together if i didn’t, but- but that’s still a person that i hurt. that i completely disregarded the feelings off for my own selfish reasons. when i could have just had a conversation with her and everything would have been fine.” he took a breath and looked up from where he’d been gazing down at his shoes, trying to judge how sirius was going to act based off of his face. he didn’t know what he was expecting, but he certainly wasn’t expecting the sympathetic half smile that he was currently wearing. “i didn’t have to hurt her, if i’d have walked her back to her dorm when she was drunk, like any decent person would have, we’d have spoken about it and we’d have probably broken up before we even got to her common room. but i didn’t. i chose to hurt her”

after he’s finished speaking sirius shook his head slightly, taking a long drag of his cigarette whilst trying to form the right words to say, without trying to add to james’ guilt. “mate, everyone makes mistakes. granted, it was a shitty, shitty mistake. but a mistake is a mistake. and it’s not ok, and you did hurt her, a lot. but you feel guilty about it. most people that cheat don’t care, it’s a game to them. they’re happy to pretend like nothing happened and all is still perfectly fine. but you’ve been torn up about this for weeks, probably more than that. it’s just finally sinking in. y/n’s okay prongs. she’s okay. and as shitty as it was, everything happens for a reason.” just as he finished speaking he saw y/n through the window on the back door. he gestured to her that he’d be inside in a second, and gave her a smile. she smiled back and he watched as she walked towards the kitchen.

smiling slightly at the look on his friends face, james nudged sirius with his shoulder “you really love her, pads… don’t you?” sirius was quick to nod his head absentmindedly, before his eyes went wide. he looked at james before nodding his head again, this time really letting it sink in. “yeah, yeah i guess i do.”

————————

aghhhhh thank you for reading that and sorry for the long wait. hopefully the next part shouldn’t take nearly as long. honestly i don’t know if i like this, but oh well. it was always going to be a filler chapter, but yeah hopefully it’s not too bad.

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it was nearing the summer break, and there was a buzz in the air. sirius was a little worried, he was going home. normally he’d stay at school or go with james, but he felt like it was the right thing to do. y/n was also worried, she hated to think about what they might do to him. but he assured her trust if anything went wrong he’d go straight to her, and if he could, he’d owl her everyday. y/n wasn’t sure what she was going to do, but moony had offered her to go with him so she figured that’s probably what’s she would do. she knew she couldn’t be alone, she’d be too anxiety riddled worrying about padfoot. but the more he reassured her, the more she started to believe him.

james was still living in his ‘lily bliss’ but it started to become a lot more normal. things were feeling normal. james was happy, and y/n was happy for him. after her breakdown in the corridors they both felt a film of closure capture them. neither of them forgot what happened, both felt bad about it, but there was finally no malice. the entire group was happy.

-

the start of june always involved a party in the gryffindor common room. no one knew why, but everyone wanted to go. well, all except sirius and y/n, but james was going to see to it that that would change.

“c’mon, guys! it’s the best party all school year, everyone who knows what’s good for them goes!” he added a pathetic little foot stamp to emphasise his point, it was honesty laughable how much james looked like a tantrum throwing seven year old. sirius shook his head with a small chuckle “exactly, everyone will be going so it will be complete peace outside, for at least an hour, until drunk idiots start piling out.” y/n nodded her head in agreement “so we can hang out by the whomping willow for a little while, and then go back to my dorm, and bonus point, the common room will be empty.”

“you guys are so boring” he let the last word sit on his tongue for longer than necessary, at this point his best bet was to annoy them into going. “if you really want we can go for half an hour before we go back to my dorm?” he contemplated it for a while and then nodded his head. “you guys owe me!” he said as he walked away, pointing at them to make a statement. sirius shook his head “i actually think you owe us!” but his words held no impact when they were met with james laughing hysterically and y/n giggling.

“and what do you think you’re laughing at?” he asked with a raise of his brow, to which she shook her head, physically not being able to let the words escape through her laughter. they were currently in the gryffindor common room, it was late and there weren’t many people about, so it was like music to his ears that all he could hear was her soft laughs slowly grow into obnoxious cackles. and yet still, it was perfect to him. to add fuel to the fire, he started to attack her with tickles, knowing exactly where she was most ticklish. she continued to laugh even more and managed to say something along the lines of “you are an evil man”. by the time they had both calmed down, she had somehow gotten on top of him, there legs absentmindedly curled around each others, trying to lock themselves in the moment. y/n blushed a little, but it was clear to her that sirius didn’t mind, as he guided her head to be laying on his chest before placing a kiss on her head. they’d stayed like that for a while, not even realising how tired they were, until somewhere between there small chats and quiet laughs they both fell asleep.

-

when it was time to go to the party, y/n was silently freaking out. she didn’t quite know why, but she was fussing about how she looked. like that would matter, it’s just sirius… right?

of course, she was wrong, but she wasn’t going to tell herself that. as she continued to get ready, finishing up her eyeliner, sirius knocked on the door, “come in” she yelled, before grabbing her necklace and struggling to put it on. “need any help, love?” she nodded exasperated, passing him the necklace. “the bloody clasp is stuck, i swear.”

moving her hair out the way, he effortlessly put the necklace on her. “how did you do that?” she asked, he chuckled slightly before kissing her shoulder, then her head, then grabbing her hand to go outside “because, y/n, i’m a genius.”

-

after their ‘friend date’ they went to the common room, absentmindedly linking arms whilst sirius played with y/n’s fingers. they barely even got into the room before they heard james drunkenly yell “just in time! guys we’re playing spin the bottle!” they both looked uneasy but joined the circle none the less, the only spaced being opposite each other. after a few rounds, it was y/n’s turn, so she took the bottle and gave it a halfhearted spin, hoping that it didn’t land on james. not because james was with lily, the were both playing and it’s not like they were being forced to snog anyone, but because, for some odd reason, she didn’t want sirius to see. and yet, as the bottle slowed down, she was terrified. just as she thought it was going to land on james, it landed on the person next to him. and looking up she realised it was sirius, suddenly she felt nervous. why was she feeling nervous? it’s just sirius, her best friend sirius, sirius who had helped her pick up the pieces, sirius who she sang late night karaoke with, sirius who attempted to make her favourite cake on her birthday (even if he failed massively) sirius who taught her how to do eyeliner, sirius who was just sirius.

after looking in his eyes as he nodded as a confirmation of him being ok with it, she barely even hesitated. she shuffled closer to him then kissed him. it lasted all of about five seconds, but it was much to long for a spin the bottle kiss. neither of them were complaining though, it was slow, it was peaceful, and it was nice. if she wasn’t so focused on sirius, the way his lips felt on hers, the way everything around her seemed to stop, maybe she would have reveled in kissing her ex’s best friend. maybe she’d finally get her revenge.

james couldn’t help but look away, there was something about his ex and his best friend kissing that just didn’t sit right with him. he was over her, heck he was barely even in love with her in the first place, he couldn’t understand why it bothered him so much. he pushed the feelings down, he wasn’t going to ruin their happiness. not again. their relationship had been flawed, granted, more on his side than hers, but both of them made mistakes. both of them were coasting on the other to put in the hard work, both of them were absentmindedly ghosting the other. so why did it hurt that she was kissing someone else?

all whilst this was going through his head, sirius and y/n were over the moon. friday 6th june 1975. a day that was the beginning of everything, even if they didn’t know it yet.

-

the weeks following the kiss weren’t awkward, they acknowledged the fact that it happened, but they didn’t talk about it. but even a blind man could see the changes there relationship went through, subtle and unspoken things. they would hold hands, when sitting next to eachother they’d be cuddled up, cheek, hair and forehead kisses became a regular thing, and they’re ere both happy. neither felt the need to talk about it, because whatever they were, whatever they felt, it was mutual. and the silent rule was that the first move would be made by y/n, she still needed time, not because she wasn’t over james, but because she was scared. she trusted sirius completely, but it was easy with him, she didn’t want to mess it up by putting a label on it.

the train ride home, a day sirius and y/n were dreading. what if he got hurt? as james watched them say goodbye, he couldn’t help but stare longer than he should have. part of what was running through his head was ‘why didn’t he just listen to moony?’ he had warned him sirius liked her, and if he had made his move that night y/n wouldn’t have went through so much pain. but then the other part of him was screaming ‘that could have still been yours if you didn’t fuck it up’. he was just about to turn away, to look back at lily, who was staying at his for the summer, so they could find his parents when he saw them kiss.

plucking up all the courage she had, y/n kissed him, and he instantly kissed back. it was the first kiss since the game of spin the bottle, and god, did he miss the way her lips felt on his. before things got too heated in front of a bunch of random families, they pulled away smiling. “i really like you, siri” he smiled at her, pecking her lips once more “i really like you too, y/n/n” before they could kiss again, she was being ushered by remus and his family, since she was staying with them for the summer. before they were out of each other’s like of sight, he yelled “girlfriend?” she nodded and replied “boyfriend.” just as she was about to turn fully away, she faced him and spoke loud enough for him to hear “stay safe, owl me as much as you can, but if it will get you in trouble don’t even think about it”

-

spending the summer with remus was so far so good, but she always has a worry in the back of her mind. was sirius ok? he hadn’t sent her a letter yet, so either he’s really not good, or he can’t do it without being caught. but every time she was alone her mind would wander to the ‘what ifs’. what if he was in danger? what if he gets seriously hurt? what if she could have stopped it? what if she could have just convinced him not to go?

on one of the many occasions she caught herself doing this, a knock on the door shook her out of it. currently the lupin’s were at the shops, so she forced herself to get up and open the door. “james?! what ar-“ he quickly cut her off “it’s sirius, he showed up at my house really hurt, he’s currently at st. mungos getting fixed up, he wants to see you” he rushed out as quickly as he could. y/n nodded quickly, and turned back to the kitchen “what are you doing?” she shook him off, trying to find a piece of paper, once she did she looked up at him quickly. “letting the lupin’s know where i’ve gone. don’t need them stressing aswell”

once they arrived she couldn’t stop the tears that were forcing their way out of her eyes, she hated seeing him laying there so helplessly. she didn’t realise he was awake until she grabbed his hand, he looked up at her with a slight smile. “how y’feelin’? she spoke but it came out more of a whisper. “better now that your here.” she giggled and let her thumb gently rub circles against the back of his hand “you’re so cheesy” he smiled at her. she leant down and kissed his forehead. “i’m glad your ok, all things considered.”

as they continued to converse james couldn’t look away, now matter how much he wanted to. he couldn’t stop the feeling of guilt creeping up his spine. he caused her months of pain and for what? so he could get the girl that never even willingly looked in his direction before.

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