ICARIAN RAGE

his groupmate helps him despite the feigned annoyance and yujin can't help the sound that escapes his throat as robby leans against his back, pushing him further into the stretch. it's just a touch too far, yujin verbalizing the strain without real words for second before he finds them again: "ah— hold it there, please," he breathes into the stretch again, willing his muscles to relax. he knows he's capable of bending a little further than this; he must just be a little stiff this morning, for whatever reason.

they find a balance that's only somewhat uncomfortable for yujin, enough to feel the burn but not so much that he's going to rip himself in two. he exhales once more, leaning imperceptibly deeper. nervousness is a waste of time, robby proclaims. yujin agrees; he just doesn't seem to be able to keep himself from doing so anyway most of the time. robby knows all of that, though. "it's not just the performance though," yujin gives life to his thoughts by speaking them aloud, even if robby doesn't really want to hear them. "if it was just dancing, i don't think it'd be so bad. it's everything else. it's..."

how does he explain it? when offered the choice between a stage name and his government name, yujin chose to adopt the mantle of jiahn to separate himself from the idol on stage. at the time, he thought it would be a good idea. like super man takes off the glasses in favor for the cape, yujin could also transform into a different, more confident person when he needed to be. at least, that was the plan. jiahn was a surprisingly difficult character to play. yujin never expected to be given the heavy burden of visual after all; the whole team is made up of good looking guys! he knows there's more eyes on him at any given time, that it's his responsibility to attract fans to the group with his god-given visuals. sometimes, just sometimes, yujin blames himself for newave's lukewarm reception.

from what he's learned in therapy, anxiety is a fear of the unknown; it's that downward spiral of helplessness living beings fall into when they realize life's reality. we only have so much control. we have no idea what the future holds. it's daunting, but it is what it is.

yujin doesn't seem to grasp the concept that, in the grand scheme of life, none of his worries actually matter. that's not saying that they're invalid, but whatever happens is going to happen, and neither of them can do anything about the outcome. stressing out about it is useless, and instead of "babying" his group-mate in those moments, he chooses to speak with firmness; with grit. he doesn't want his words to be misinterpreted. he wants to speak directly to the root of the anxiety—to tell it that it's irrelevant and irrational.

robby hopes that yujin can leave all of this behind him someday, but for now, he applies more weight to him; definitely noticing that there's an added tension to his limbs. whenever he's helped him with this in the past, yujin's flexibility always surprises him. today though? not so much. "you really are stressed, aren't you..." he comments, feeling bad for being so dismissive initially. tough love doesn't necessarily mean acting rude and cold anyway.

"no, no—you can talk about it. i'm sorry for being a dick." he replies, focusing on trying to push yujin past the limit he's stopped at in his stretch. he's applying more gentle pressure, but the instant his comrade yelps in response, he ceases his motions; joining him on the floor instead. "i'm also sorry for pushing you a little hard. normally, you can go much further than that." licking over his lips, he turns his head to gaze over at yujin; offering a half-smile. "what worries you about the future? what do you think is going to happen?"

@robbyhan

"help me stretch," yujin reaches forward, hands open and extended out toward his groupmate and friend as he tries to lean a little deeper into a seated hamstring stretch. he feels the tug in his muscles already but he knows he can go just a little bit deeper if he just exhales and lets himself be pulled further in. every day he can go a little further... or at least continue to maintain the flexibility he already has. few things are more important for a dancer, after all.

yujin still often thinks back to his trainee days. what had he imagined being an idol would be like back then? he knew there would still be long days that started in the wee hours in the morning and kept him from his bed until late at night. he just didn't know so many of them would still be spent in a practice room, for some reason. their promotions are always over in the blink of an eye; a sprint through a few odd weeks of singing the same song and dance on the same handful of music show stages and watching the same popular idols win first place over newave's comparatively pathetic place on the charts. all yujin can do is practice. he can hope that their next song is better, that the public will finally notice them, that all their hard work will finally pay off. he hasn't yet been able to breathe that sigh of relief, to be able to say we did it; we made it.

he could worry himself into an early grave (and maybe someday he will) if he lets himself dwell on those thoughts for too long. all he can do now is throw himself into the preparations for their next comeback and hope that this time is different, that they'll finally reap the rewards of all their hard work. yujin knows no one else worries as much as he does but he does sometimes wonder if robby ever thinks of such things. his friend is so unbothered by the public and their perception. yujin envies that confidence sometimes.

luckily, it's been easy for him to distract himself from the thoughts of his favorite taco trucks and his memories at la jolla cove because, as it would seem, newAve's been preparing for their second comeback of the year. today, they're set to start learning the choreography for the title track; one that's still a mystery to them, at that. it'll be the first time they hear it, and it's nerve-wracking. robby wasn't a fan of 'love 119' and it made getting through that promotion cycle especially difficult for him. hopefully this new song is a good change for them.

waiting for their manager to come in to get things started, robby's warming himself up with yujin; pausing to take a few long gulps of pocari sweat to ensure that he's keeping himself hydrated. after all the coffee he had to boost his energy, he needs to replenish electrolytes. however, right as he's about to finish the bottle, yujin asks for his help while he's stretching. robby rolls his eyes and scoffs, but it's mostly in jest. sure, this particular group-mate of his can be a bit needy, but unfortunately, it's needy in a way that robby finds endearing.

wandering over to yujin, he saddles up behind him and leans his weight on his back; doing so with care, gradually increasing the depth of yujin's stretch. "let me know when to stop..." he instructs, then licks his lips. though, when he's hit with a follow-up question, a part of him wants to shrug it off and dismiss it. the last thing he needs is to get in his head whenever they're at work. he decides not to be a jerk though, and gives yujin an answer. "no. nervousness is a waste of time." is his response helpful? not really, but it's one he believes in.

"when we get on stage, we have to turn ourselves 'on' because we genuinely have no choice, you know? we either get up there and perform well, or fall on our asses in front of the world. it's black and white like that. at least to me." slowly, he continues applying pressure; hoping he's not overwhelming yujin. "to me, it's better when you tear away all the 'what ifs' and just focus on what's in front of you; on reality. you're not giving yourself a chance to be nervous like that because you're not getting yourself lost in your own damn head."