Valkyrie, please.

There are dozens of tiny stories I have about him. It was a joy to talk to him. But I don't think I can do it anymore.

There were things I thought were normal and funny at the time. I was seventeen when we made a lot of jokes about boobs. People I told this to 'irl' thought this was weird, which i dismissed because I knew and trusted him and thought it was funny. And I'm not saying that he did anything wrong here - but that due to these recent events, that I had to reconsider everything. And that was hard. And uncomfortable. And that was where my opinion on the entire series started to change.

Because this girl is a lot like me. About the same age, fan for years, even liked the same ship. Only real difference, as a fan, is that she was able to go to signings when i wasn't.

and that's too close for comfort for me. We can come to our own conclusions about what happened - we will probably never know, and don't need to - but I, personally, feel this changed how i view my own interactions with him, as well as the interactions of my peers, who are also close to me in age and close to Derek.

Now the really controversial question: is any of this our business? Yeah, i think so. It involved a fan. it involved a signing, which a lot of people go to - there are people involved in this issue who went to that exact signing, actually. And i totally get why not everyone feels that way. But that's how I think. And this information, by the way, is overwhelmingly public. I found it on accident. There is nothing being hidden here (well, not anymore - I have gotten the impression that the decision to go public was made very recently) - with him following her and her posting photos, these are things being put out to the world. Willingly.

A lot of people say it shouldn't affect how I read the books. But it does, for me. Maybe i'm wrong or immature in that aspect - I don't know. But take Valduggery, for example. I've seen people say that shipping that means that you should accept this (some of whom have apologized for it, which I do greatly appreciate) but for me, I always saw it as something SUPER fictional, that could clearly never happen irl, and that Derek clearly knew the dangers of that sort of relationship. I... can no longer say that with confidence, unfortunately.

I can't talk about my fears without being ominous again, and i think we all know how that ended last time. And I am sorry for that - I and the others thought we were doing what was right. We didn't know how to handle the situation and went by instincts. It was in no way my intention to scare or make people anxious. All i wanted to do was tell my followers I was leaving, and say as much as I could. But I am sorry, and I would do it differently if it happened again. 

And for the nosy people who demand to know: I do have personal experience with this. The people in my life who acted in similar ways to Derek are not people I see as role models. They are also people I respected and cared about, who I felt let me down. And they are not people I want to be reminded of when I read my favorite books.

Speaking of the books, will I continue to read them? Yes, of course. i care far too much about the characters to not. But i need time to step away from all this first. 

and as for the fandom ... well, you have probably already seen this. I will just say the actions of people in the past few days were disgusting and the worst bullying i've seen in this fandom, bar none. for those who have apologized to me, either personally or in general, i greatly appreciate it. To the rest of you: I think what you know you did was wrong. All that matters now is what you'll do next. 

My intention is not to convince people what Derek did should make you uncomfortable. I just want to explain why I am. I am making this post about me and my experiences, because i maintain what I've said since Saturday - I have no authority to talk about what happened with this young woman. That is not my story to tell. But this is.