of thoughts and (a)musings

Lately, I’ve come to realize that I have the weirdest, most vivid nap dreams. It comes to me in scenes, complete 2-camera set ups and b-rolls. Sometimes it comes to me in words stringed together to make the scene.

Other times, in my heart of hearts, I feel as though I’m either reliving a past memory, or it’s a peek into a future life. Or sometimes, it’s just my imagination working hard. 

Either way, it makes for an entertaining story, so I decided to share a few that I wrote down right after my power naps. And while to be honest it’s a little scary to expose my psyche this way, I am, and will always be a storyteller - by profession and by heart. And so, here are a few of the snippets of my sweet nap dreams.

SURE | April 3, 2021

UNBREAKABLE | March 08, 2021

CAN’T WAIT | February 18, 2021

By end of 2020, I got another ear piercing. I’ve been wanting a daith for so long, and I’ve finally gotten it even in the midst of a pandemic. I started piercing when I was 15, and ten years later I’ve collected a total of eight piercings between my right & left ears. 

After the procedure, while I was walking towards a holiday party, I started thinking about the other punctures I chose to get in my body. I started a pretty thought. I realized these map the adventures, stories, decisions - both silly and thoughtful, that my friends & I made that span years. As such, I’m going to document those tales because it reminds me of the good times and gives me a little bit of hope that things will get back to normal. And also, I spent so much on my earrings, I’d like to show them off, lol.

1 & 5: Standard Lobe

These are the usual lobe piercings that my mom got me when I was still a baby. They say they pierce girl’s ears so that they can distinguish the gender of the baby in an instant. Mom told me that the piercer actually punctured a hole in the wrong place. It was a wee bit higher than where she wanted, which led me to my next upper lobe piercing (#6).

2 & 3: Third Upper Lobe 

My second & third upper lobe piercings I got was actually from a gun. Back then, there were stores that offered additional piercing services if you buy jewelry from them. I was with a friend, and she was going to get a piercing too so I joined her. Hurt and bruised like hell. I thought it was normal to hurt that way, but fast forward to a few years later, there’s a ruling that these kinds of stores shouldn’t use piercing guns because its cons outweigh its instant pros. I remember trying to hide this from my parents, because by then I had a total of 5 piercings which was three too many. We were in a mall, just walking around and I made the mistake of parting my hair on my ear and she saw I had three shiny silvers glistening. She screamed in the middle of the mall. Whoops.

4: Conch

My conch piercing was something I really wanted to get. It took a few months before I finally committed because I knew cartilage piercings heal slower. But one random Friday night, after a particularly long day at work, my friends and I decided to get our ears pierced before we started drinking. It was in Makati, in this semi-professional/semi-sketchy place. I bled, because apparently he used a bigger needle than needed, but it turned out okay. It’s still my favorite pierce I’ve gotten - mostly because cuff pieces are pretty. It took about 6 months to fully heal because I kinda played around with it early on. Here’s a pro tip: Don’t change the medical grade piercing until maybe after 5 or 6 months (unless your piercer tells you it’s safe), because I when I tried to change the piercing, the wound literally ate the earring while it was healing. It hurt like a little bitch. 

6: Upper Lobe

The first upper lobe earring I got was #6. I actually pierced it myself. I was in high school and all the cool girls had two pierces already and mom didn’t allow me. So I took matter into my own hands. Rewind to the piercer of my standard lobes who got it wrong, it left a scar and a teeny tiny hole so I got the back of an earring and poked a hole, Parent Trap style. It was SO painful. Don’t try it. It healed with no complications, thank God.

7: Midway Helix

My friends & I were travelling to Thailand, and on one of our last days, we went to night market. We were wasting away our money because we didn’t wanna keep any more Bahts. While doing so, my friend & his then girlfriend were having an argument. About what, I don’t know. I didn’t want to stand in the way, so I saw this little outdoor piercing place and picked out an earring. The piercer didn’t speak english so I had to point where I want it to be placed, lol. By the end of it, I had a nice new pierce, a pleasant experience with a needle and my friends were back to being all couple-y and stuff. Fun times.

8: Daith

My most recent pierce. While I’m writing this, I feel it itch and being tender but definitely manageable. My friend wanted a lobe piercing as her reward for graduating law school, and I coincidentally wanted a daith. This wasn’t spontaneous because we had to make sure safety protocols are followed because of the pandemic. Thankfully, the store we picked out was super safe and really professional. The pain’s super manageable. The only con is that I’m unable to wear in-ear headphones until it’s fully healed, but I have headphones for that so it’s not a biggie.

I feel the burden on my neck, on my shoulders, on my upper back. I feel the tension of a thousand projects that need to be done. I hear my joints cracking with the whispers of “can you handle this?”. I see my thoughts, manifesting into endless lists of to-do’s and to-do’s today. I reek of sweat, mixed with tears of frustration from the stress of it all - from work, this place, my head. 

I turned 27 today! 

Every year on my birthday, I normally feel a little mellow - always wanting to celebrate quietly and never wanting to make a big deal out of it. But today, in a surprising turn of events, despite the Enhanced Community Quarantine the pandemic brings - I feel, dare I say - happy & content.

Definitely not because of the world’s current situation, but more on the fact that it literally changed my lifestyle and the way I want to approach things. Instead of wallowing in anxiety (which I did in the first two weeks of the ECQ, not gonna lie), I turned my attention to something more positive and productive.

While people are definitely welcome to feel whatever they want to feel during this pandemic - I consciously decided turn to whatever it is that will make me feel something, anything, other than worry.  It also helped that I’m surrounded by a thoughtful and strong support system to which I call my friends & family. 

And so, I’m listing my small joys & victories, in the hopes that I remember these feelings when there are days that I’m not myself.

Jammyboo. My sweet, chill and malambing pomeranian who I adore.

Friends & family who rally behind everything I decide to do with my life.

The passion I found playing guitar, and my ever so patient brothers who continuously teach me.  

Yoga. Who would have thought?

Quiz or Jeopardy Nights - regardless if it’s via digital or physical. I absolutely love being a game master, making up questions and researching. (What a dork!)

Amazon Prime Video, Netflix & The Try Guys on Youtube. Discovering new series & movies that I’ve grown to love. 

Books. Of course there will be books. Duh?

Little Women. I swear, this story will always have a special place in my heart. The movie that Greta Gerwig directed was also beautifully done. Definitely something I’ll be willing to watch over and over again.

Showers. Trivial thing, a shower, but if you’re on your laptop all day in the sweltering heat of the Philippines, you’ll yearn for it thrice a day.

My laptop. Last December, I made an executive decision to buy a new laptop (all out of my own pockets, mind you! 💃🏻I’m really proud of that fact, lol) and it’s one of the best investments I’ve ever made. 

Feels good to write today, other than just writing in-ad copies & captions. Lol. Happier birthday to me indeed. 

X,

Happy New Year.

I wasn’t blessed with 2020 vision, but maybe this year the universe will make up for it with clearer sights & paths to new opportunities.

Here’s to a new decade of attempting to make more good life choices!

X,

Two times I thought of you this week.

First time was when my friends & I were fooling around and singing San Beda’s Indian yell. I was laughing so hard, then I remembered us trying to sing that too. It made me laugh harder.

Second time was today, while I’m riding this Grab, and happened to pass by the street you lived in. I remember us planning our version of Netflix and chill - literally watching movies, stuffing ourselves with pancit canton. It didn’t push through, ‘cause I was starting a new job then, and you said you were spending time with your family. We planned it two weeks before your passing.

You always did succeed in making me tear up - whether that was from laughing like a maniac or when I’m bawling my eyes out. Mukha akong tanga sa car right now.

Nearly a year after, Vin, but I’m still missing one of good friends. Ang dami kong chika, bb. But maybe I’ll tell them to you when we meet again.

Love you forever,

(that make no sense but is funny)

My inner demons and doubts

What an exhausting battle

I wish there was a way out

As usual, we’re on our annual Ifugao trip. We alternate going to this region either to spend Christmas or the New Year - and welcoming 2019 isn’t going to be different. My dad decided that we’ll be visiting the areas that claim to be part of the world heritage, so we’ve been to Banaue, Sagada, Mayoyao and now Kiangan.

It’s been steadily raining the past few days, making the air grow colder, the fog closer - not really the ideal way of welcoming the new year with the traditional fireworks.

2018 was a difficult year for me. I spent half of it wallowing in anxiety and toxicity, being unhappy in a situation I was afraid to let go of. I also lost a good friend, one that still hurts to think about.

I often call 2018 as my learning curve.

I learned that anxiety isn’t something you can just cure in a night, a week or a month. It’s something that you have to fight everyday without a guaranteed timeframe. It’s not a race, and no one is rooting for you to lose.

I now understand the importance of investing time and effort for the people who are important to you. Not a lot of people can find friends who will congratulate you with your small victories, so if you find them, keep them close.

There’s always a need to take a break for yourself. Holy shit is personal care important! Take time to be alone and do something you genuinely like doing - whether that be reading a book, spending a day/weekend by yourself, traveling or vegging out at home with a tub of good ice cream while watching Mean Girls - go for it.

I learned that mourning the loss of someone you love will always be a hardship. It’ll always feel like a challenge, but I find that thinking & talking about that person will always be better than avoiding the pain his/her memory might bring. Remember their laughs, their hopes, their silly antics and share them with other people so their goodness & light will always live on.

And lastly, while I’m not that religious, I’ve learned to always keep my heart in the place where God can find me. I no longer need to hide from Him when I make a mistake, and I find myself wanting be open to the possibilities of His plans for me.

And while I’m ending this year without the bang, I’ll end it knowing something I can hold on to for the rest of the year - I like the quiet, the rain and the hope for a new day.

X,

This was taken a few months ago. It’s two of my favorite things. You and waiting in line for two hours just to pig out in Samgyup. We don’t even have new pictures together... probably because we always figured we’d have enough time to take photos of each other. More time for chika, you always say.

I don’t understand how just last week we chatted on Messenger, how just a few weeks back we were planning on you visiting me again at home so we can binge watch on Netflix...and now suddenly, you’re gone. I can’t wrap my head around it, I can’t make it make sense.

How do I even start to say goodbye to you, Vin? How do I not laugh whenever I remember how you always know the silly thing to say to cheer me up? How do I remind myself to think of you in the past tense?

It’s unfair how you cut your friends off like that. We could have helped you, visited you, did something.. anything. But knowing you.. You would have hated it, because you’ve always been the type of person who never liked seeing other people worry or be hurt, least of all if it was because of you. You were always the selfless one.. the funny, generous, cheerful friend.

You were one of my favorites.

Thank you for everything, Vin. For your presence, your laugh, your time, your comfort and most of all, your love. I’m heartbroken that you’re not here anymore, but I’m happy that you’re looking down on us in the arms of the Lord, resting and enduring no more pain.

1. Finally feeling stable, safe and content with where I am in my life

2. Being able to manage my time wisely

3. Getting my old MacBook Air reformatted after the longest time

4. Enjoying the work I’m doing so far

5. Finding a super supportive community on First 5

6. Crying, and just releasing all my worries and tension through that

7. Spending quality time with the family

8. Being alone, but not really feeling lonely

9. Sushi with friends

10. Meeting new (and re-meeting) previous acquaintances

It’s been a few weeks since my last happy list. Probably because I was battling a few thought demons and had one too many nervous breakdowns, but so far, this week has been good to me. I’m finally feeling like I’m settling nicely with where I am. It really kind of feels like I’m standing on firm ground.

X,