moon princess🌙

it’s as if icy water was dumped all over her.

before coming to the audition, yewon knew the chance of failure was a very real outcome. last night, she had trouble sleeping due to her vivid imagination going through various scenarios of how she could mess up, how that chance at her dreams of training under kt could disappear right before her eyes. she walked herself through each one, tried her best to prepare herself for the worst, told herself she could be strong even if katie lee told her she had no talent at all…

but that’s not what happened. katie lee didn’t say that. in fact, she said much the opposite, complimenting her instead. yewon didn’t prepare herself for this.

she does her best to keep her composure–a bad impression on a ceo might follow her wherever she goes, and yewon would rather anything happen than that. still, she is entitled to her emotions and they’re not entirely unjustified.

she swallows thickly again. her face feels hot, as if she might cry, but yewon takes a deep breath. “thank you too,” she responds with a small voice. she bows again. “it was an honor to audition today, and i’m thankful for the opportunity to show you my talents and for your words. i promise i’ll do my best to improve.”

when she rises, she doesn’t meet their eyes. a small voice at the back of her mind tells her something is off about this. if she had great potential and met their standards during the impromptu performance of “oh,” then why this? it doesn’t add up. there’s a moment in which yewon realizes she can go home and let herself mourn lost chances, cry in her brother’s arms for an hour, then spend the next two months trying to forget about all of this… that’s exactly the path that kt entertainment set up for her, and having just found some confidence–something katie lee said she needed to improve on–yewon is afraid to go down that road again.

her brother… she didn’t just leave him to take the brunt of everything to be thrown out like this. what would he say when she came home and avoided his eyes? what would he do when she couldn’t bring herself to admit that kt liked her but still rejected her because they have too many female trainees?

“i–” she speaks then cuts herself off to reconsider and put some thought into her words before she blurts them out. “miss katie lee,” she says formally, “um–if it’s okay–may i you ask a question?” she meets the ceo’s eyes. there are so many ways to phrase what she wants to ask them…. “please understand, i don’t mean to offend you or your company or anyone here because i really am honored and grateful for this, but if i don’t ask now, i’ll never know… and i have to know…” oh boy, you’re asking for it, yewon. you should’ve just walked out the door and saved yourself the trouble. she tucks her shaking hands behind her back. there’s no backing out of this now. “if you had enough female trainees, why did you scout me? why did you let me schedule an audition?” her nail digs into the skin of her hand. warning bells ring in her head, telling her this is a bad idea, but she presses forward. her emotions are running high, giving her an uncharacteristic boldness. “your job is probably very busy…”

“why waste time on me?”

somehow, though her face is too hot now–she manages to keep herself mostly put together. it’s a wonder, considering yewon rarely had to be this honest with her feelings in front of someone so significant with the power to change her life with merely a few spoken words.

and yewon knows that she’s not wrong about asking this, though it feels wrong. if she walked out before asking her question, she would never get an answer, and it would eat away at her forever… she wasn’t a child throwing a fit over not getting her way because no matter what katie lee’s response, yewon still plans on leaving like she had non-verbally suggested. she can accept her fate, but the reason for it just feels too…off.

many months have passed since yewon was last in this position: sitting outside of the room in which one of the most important performances of her life would be judged. having done this before, yewon knows what to expect when she enters the room, but if anything, having to do this again made her twice as frightened. this audition means twice as much as the last one did, and yewon feels as though everything--these past months focused only on schoolwork, her wavering hold on her dreams, her brother’s words of encouragement, and his belief in her--has come down to this moment. it’s not any less unnerving to think about the fact that the path of her future would be set in stone from this performance alone--on whether the staff concluded her demonstration of her talents to meet their high standards or not. she had almost told jongdae that both results wouldn’t make a difference to her, but she knew deep down that it’s not true--not anymore...

while she waits to be called in, yewon allows her mind to wander. had anyone else been casted at the camp? she had heard the hushed gossip spreading during the closing ceremony that many people had received offers in various fashions from different companies, but she can’t recall hearing anything about kt. yewon doubted she was the only one to have gotten scouted. (surely kt was looking for more talent than just a seventeen-year-old girl.) however, the hall is empty except for her. it would’ve been nice to have someone to talk to... maybe this was what she gets for having picked the last day available to audition. (at least it bought her some time to choose a song.)

she wonders what her parents are doing now and what they would say when they inevitably found out about her coming here. her brother promised her that he would handle everything and that she had nothing to worry about, but she still feels guilty about leaving the worst task to him... he was always too kind to her, and yewon is suddenly overwhelmed with the fact that she might never be able to repay his kindness. he had done so much for her...

“choi yewon? we’re ready for you now. please, come this way.”

yewon rises from her seat and nods, giving the man a polite smile. “thank you.”

the layout of the room reminds yewon of her first audition, including a section separated off as a “stage” and a panel of judges who are already watching her every moment. yewon doesn’t get a good look at them as she makes her way to the front, only glances and flashes a smile (though she’s still incredibly nervous on the inside).

she can barely remember her brief introduction during her audition at sphere, but she thought that it might have gone a little bit like what she had rehearsed for today. “hello,” she says with a bow. she can already tell that she’s more composed this time around. there are no stutters this time around--she speaks slowly and clearly to avoid it.  “my name is choi yewon. i’m seventeen years old, and i attend seoul school of performing arts as a second-year. today i’ll be performing ‘breathe’ by luna. thank you for considering me.”

she takes a deep breath. then, with a curt nod of her head, the music that she had prepared begins. there’s only a short beat before yewon sings, and when that cue comes, yewon closes her eyes.

모두가 스쳐 지나간 이 곳에 홀로 멈춰진 나

ninety seconds are such a short amount of time, but it’s much longer than what she was given the first time. at first, she had a difficult time figuring out what song to pick and then what section. this song feels different to yewon--so simple, yet still able to leave an impact--and that partially why she chose it. it feels like she’s baring her heart out with this song (which should be nerve-wracking considering that she had never done a performance quite like this) but yewon can only focus on the lyrics as she sings the first two lines.

But now 두드리는 빗방울에 눈에 맺힌 아픔들을 감춰 꼭 따스한 품만 같아

when she reaches the next part of the verse, there’s a surprising strength in her voice as she  jumps up an octave, just as she had practiced last night. with a hand on the microphone and the other holding the stand, she seems to lose herself in the moment. she still hasn’t opened her eyes, and she could almost swear it didn’t feel like the judges were there at all--just yewon, alone with the music.

어린 날의 내가 보여 보여 슬픔 속에 흐려지는 말이 한숨 속에 흩어지는 사이 아름다운 기억 펼쳐 펼쳐 날 그려보다 입술 끝에 꽃 핀 내 안의 목소리 

her voice is clear and strong as she belts the beginning of the chorus but softens slightly when the song called for it. the lyrics are beautiful and almost poetic in the way they were written, so yewon does her best to sing them earnestly, like luna did. she opens her eyes but doesn’t make eye contact with the judges, instead looking just above their heads and focusing on the spot behind them so her nerves wouldn’t shake her.

without missing a beat or losing momentum, she jumps into the bridge of the song.

닫힌 맘을 열고 Oh 따스함을 느껴 I’m breathing I’m breathing 나 눈을 뜨고 Oh yeah 햇살 속에 안겨 

if there’s any part of the song that might show just how much she’s in the moment, it’s this one. last time, yewon had focused so much on impressing the judges, but now, yewon doesn’t even think about it. there’s no need for fake acting this time. the song speaks for itself, and yewon connects with it enough to not consider it. she feels the song, and it’s so different from anything she’s ever done before, including her performance with sehun.

the song had built itself up to this moment, and yewon smiles softly as she sings the final line delicately.

너무 아름다워 

she holds out the last note an extra beat for a dramatic effect and so the song wouldn’t feel like it was ending so abruptly. the music cuts, leaving the room silent. the air is thick, and yewon is too surprised with herself and her audition to interrupt any thoughts the judges might be having. she wasn’t shaking before, but now she can feel herself trembling. discreetly, she hides her hands at her side and bows.

“thank you,” she mumbles when she rises. her voice sounds foreign.

“thank you. please, step outside.”

she feels light-headed as she walks out of the room and briefly wonders if she might actually pass out. she knows there’s know way of knowing if this was enough to satisfy kt this time, but, as she leans against the wall, a sense of accomplishment passes over her. despite all odds, she had caught the attention of one of south korea’s biggest entertainment companies again. she was given a second shot at her dreams when some never got that chance... she had come so far since leaving sphere entertainment, and it showed, though no one but her could see it. she did this audition--not for kt entertainment, not for her parents, not for her friends, not even for her brother. she did this for herself, because her brother was right. even if she fell down a million times, she had to keep going if she ever wanted to achieve her dreams.

perhaps it’s the adrenaline that’s running through her veins, but a giggle bubbles up, and then yewon is outright laughing. this whole experience was unbelievable, but here she was in the halls of a kt entertainment building having just auditioned to join their lineup of trainees. who would’ve ever thought choi yewon could do that? she covers her mouth to soften her giggles and get control of herself.

“yewon,” her father’s voice comes from the door. “how was camp?”

it’s a question that yewon doesn’t want to answer, and she hesitates before glancing over her shoulder. “it was fine,” she mumbles. “i performed in the talent show with sehun. you remember sehun, right? he’s really, really tall.”

“i think so,” he replies. “that was fun, right?”

“yeah. i think the crowd liked us. we sang ‘spring love’. it was nice”

“good, good.” yewon doesn’t make no effort to further the conversation, and it’s painfully obvious that it’s going nowhere. “so...” he starts after clearing his throat. “did anything else happen?”

yewon’s tone is indifferent as she replies, “i ran into luna there.”

“oh? who’s that again? you have so many friends...”

“a trainee from sphere.”

“ah, it must’ve been nice to see her again after so long.”

“mmm, it was.”

if he couldn’t sense the tense atmosphere before, he certainly could now. “did something happen, princess? you know you can always tell me anything.”

yewon is suddenly painfully aware that she could tell him about the scouting. her family is her biggest set of supporters, and they’d be there for her whenever she needed them. he might be able to help her figure out what to do. she had planned on asking her brother, but what was the difference?

all it takes is for her to remember sphere, and yewon’s resolve shatters. she presses her lips together. no, of course she couldn’t tell him. her parents had made her leave sphere entertainment. why would they want her in a company again? and what if he scolded her for getting scouted? that was beyond her control... yewon couldn’t bear the idea of having her parents upset with her again...

“nothing happened, dad. just a bunch of people singing songs around a fire. you know how camp is.” it’s the first lie she ever told her parents. her voice doesn’t even sound like it belongs to her anymore.

we don't talk about the past, we don't talk about the past now...

the letter rests on her desk for the first few days but is later relocated to the top of her dresser then her sock drawer when the sight of it starts to drive her insane. it comes slowly but surely, and her condition begins to worsen with each passing day. at night, she tosses and turns, unable to get much sleep. during the day, she’s always off in a daze and forgets to eat. it’s an awful way to live, and yewon can’t remember a time in her life where she felt this troubled.

it doesn’t take long for her brother to sense something is off. though she may have strange quirks and habits, this is far too extreme. he approaches her about it one night a few weeks after the camp’s end just as she’s about to fall asleep. she appears the same as normal, buried deep under her blankets with an arm around her artemis plushie, but if he hadn’t looked closer and seen the darkness forming under her eyes, he might not have ever felt the need to interfere.

“hey, what’s been up with you lately?” he says with arms crossed as he leans against the door frame. “and don’t tell me it’s nothing. you’re not a good liar. i’m your brother. i know you better than that.”

yewon wants to roll over and ignore him--do anything to make him and her current problem go away--but she knows that she can’t keep running, at least not from him. he’s stubborn and persistent, traits they both shared. with a small sigh, she props herself up on her elbows. “what?”

“don’t act like you didn’t hear me. you’ve been acting weird ever since the camp. what happened?” his words sting, but they’re nothing but the truth.

“no, i--” he’s right. she can’t lie. “it’s just--something is on my mind.”

the answer doesn’t satisfy him, and truthfully, yewon didn’t expect it to. “like what?”

“i...if i tell you, you can’t tell mom and dad. promise me. please.”

he arches a brow. yewon rarely asks him for this, let alone makes him swear it. the severity of the situation is more than evident now, and though it’s in a cautious and apprehensive manner, he nods nonetheless. “i won’t.” he moves to sit at the edge of her bed. “what’s up?”

she sits up completely now with her plushie long forgotten. she still wants to ignore him and go to sleep instead. it would be the easy way out of things, but it would only be a temporary fix. she had wanted to ask her brother for advice, and here he is...

she takes in a deep breath and finally confesses, “i got scouted. by kt. after the talent show at the summer camp. they want me to audition sometime next week. i have to schedule an appointment, and i haven’t done anything yet.” her eyes drop to her hands resting in her lap. “i don’t know what to do, oppa. i’m scared i’ll fail the audition, and if i make it, i’m scared i’ll have to leave again. i had to leave sphere...i don’t want to have to do that again... that was awful.” her voice breaks, but it’s a relief to finally say it aloud after putting on a brave face for so many months and pretending nothing was wrong. “it was my fault, but it was awful. i really wanted to be an idol, and i had the opportunity right in front of me, but i blew it. i’m scared to get my hopes up in case kt doesn’t want me in the end, but i’m scared to not have a dream too... i think i still want this, but what if sphere was my only chance? i don’t have any other plan. if i make it, can i really give them the next two years? what if i’m not enough? what if i’m not meant to be an idol?”

moments pass with nothing spoken. then, come words that yewon never expected to hear. “actually, if i’m being honest, i think there were other ways that situation could’ve been handled, but mom and dad were stubborn. i think you were on your way to finding a balance between training and schoolwork, but they didn’t see it like that. i don’t think it’s completely your fault.”

his words hit her like a wrecking ball. she had been waiting for words like these for so long, having been unable to forgive herself since she had left and not letting it go for even the briefest of moments. there’s a sensation like a weight being lifted off her chest while somehow simultaneously, she feels like she’s drowning. her eyes water, and she tries blinks away the tears as quickly as they came.

“i think you should do it.” he gives her a small smile, and if he sees the wetness in her eyes, he doesn’t comment on it. “you’ve done it before, so if you make it this time, you’ll know what to do. you’ve wanted this for a long time. are you really going to give up just because you fell down once? that’s not how you finish the race. even if you fall a million times, you have to keep going. you want it that badly, don’t you?”

“i don’t know what i want,” yewon admits with a sniffle.

“that’s fine,” he reassures her with a pat on her foot. “we’re still young. maybe we’re not supposed to know. but if you never try, how will you ever find out?” he leans back and lets out a deep breath. he pauses momentarily to let his words sink in, then says, “ultimately, the decision is up to you, yewon. no matter what i’ve got your back. we all do, even if mom and dad don’t always make it seem that way. they just want the best for you, and you know that.”

yewon nods and wipes her eyes. “i know.”

“at least think it over and remember everything i just told you. if you end up doing it, i’ll deal with them later, okay?” he rises from the bed and stretches casually. “hey, it’s late now. you should probably get some sleep. i know you’ve not been sleeping right.”

“okay, oppa.”

“you can be anything you want to be, yewon. you just have to want it... goodnight. sleep tight.”

“...goodnight.”

she’s shaking like a leaf as she holds her phone and inputs the number left at the bottom of kt’s letter to her, and she considers deleting it. her finger accidentally taps the call button as it trembles, however, and when the voice of a staff member comes through the speaker, yewon realizes it’s now or never.

“hi, my name is choi yewon. i--um--i was scouted during the summer camp that kt was at. it was a few weeks ago, i think. i’m calling to schedule an audition...”