talent(less)

ah ... that’s today as well ... —— it’s not as if he forgot, though his timing is definitely a little lacking. although he could have easily got up and sent in a message at exactly at 12am JST ( or maybe 12:05ish; it would probably take a bit to actually think of what to put. hah. ), maybe this unremarkable type of 9am greeting was just fitting for him. a casual little “hey, i remembered” —— nothing too weird or fancy, but still a-hopefully-acceptable gesture.

                  it takes him a few tries to get the message typed properly. embarrassing, really. something he won’t admit to komaeda, given the mediocrity of the final product. after one or two lengthy sentence-ridden attempts, he finally backspaces it all and settles for short and to the point. that’s it. slightly vague, but komaeda’s smart. no hints, no sentiments, nothing.

& although he says he wants “nothing too weird or fancy,” something still feels ... like he could definitely be made fun of for this.

12:09:13 ▸ Today’s the day, isn’t it? Hey, congrats. Just wanted to sayfdssd "09:11:41 ▸ hey! good morning. thinking about you. 09:12:01 ▸ hey, good morning + happy birthday. 09:13:41 ▸ morning, happy birthday.delete, delete, delete, de—

09:16:37 ▸ have a good one. (sent)

         i would have mourned you, he says. i would have...        i would have...               ( i would have mourned you. )

                                        —haa. troublesome, tiresome, tiring. it probably shouldn’t be as troubling as it is ... komaeda’s always saying weird things, after all ... but for some reason, this one stays. no, it doesn’t just “stay” though. it festers. like some disgusting scab that just keeps reopening and reopening, and just when he thinks it’s healed, the words come back, reverberating louder than ever in his eardrums. i would have mourned you.

it’s not that he didn’t mourn komaeda. it’s just that... —no, that’s wrong.

           calling it mourning—that would be a total lie. it stings a bit to think about it — it doesn’t pang his stomach like the normal island memories, it stings. it stings his head, right over the scars, and the pain hits sharply. everything else about the island comes with dulled pain; like a bad taste in the mouth, like something that washes over and feels ... uncomfortable ... but this? no, this is both dull and sharp, in waves and in blows. it makes him want to vomit, if he’s being honest.

—it’s ... painful? that’s as eloquent as it gets here. if not painful, then gross. ridiculously gross— a bad taste in his mouth. it’s gross, in poor taste, and 100% komaeda-induced. thanks.

                                                        frustration. that’s it. it wasn’t sad or mournful or anything. it was shock, it was denial, and then it was anger. no grieving, no tears. he couldn’t bring himself to grieve over komaeda. komaeda who had deceived him and manipulated him and mocked him and ... komaeda who loved the “hope” inside him only discover he was a lowly no-good reserve. komaeda who had gotten himself killed before hinata could even get close to figuring him out.

  you still don't realize it? jeez, get it together...   you're all supposed to be the "symbols of hope," am i right?

                                  —ah, i forgot... except for HINATAKUN, of course.

  i didn't expect /you/ to know that.   you’re pretty knowledgeable ... for a substitute reserve course student.

  you actually noticed that... nice catch, hinatakun!   are you using your "super highschool level reserve course student" talent?

and now, this one; komaeda who said he would have mourned him.

                         that’s funny though. that’s really funny, komaeda. of all the things you’ve said, this one definitely takes the cake. he shouldn’t be so caught up on it, especially since things have changed and ... it’s not like anyone else is really jumping to dig back through island memories and hold grudges ... and it’s not like this is a grudge or anything, really. he doesn’t hate komaeda — no, he doesn’t hate any of them — but at times like this ... he closes his eyes, feels his fist clench and then unclench, and at last, he bothers to release the breath he was holding in one tired exhale.

i think ... i wanted it. two birds, one stone ;

/ / —

               “ do you really forget your stuff here           every time you come by, komaeda? ”

                                                look how festive they are, crammed into a small apartment room with one measly tree and broken holiday lights. holiday decorations had never really been his thing – hinata had ignored them for the past year or so – but since komaeda was coming over, well ... might as well give him something interesting to look at. something less bland than the white and tearing hospital walls, at least.

kiznaiver is the anime with the seven/eight kids who are connected to one another in a way that if one of them feels pain, it is shared among the rest of them as well. it’s the result of some sketchy experimentation that is supposed to bring humanity “closer” through “empathy” or something, but really? hm.

01. general

but instead of sympathizing with him – instead of going “you’ve been feeling this the whole time? ..no, not this, but seven times this?” – they just get...pretty annoyed. most of them are pretty dismissive of it.

if they were to point it out though, they’d probably just get an apologetic smile or carefree laugh in return ... nothing that answers anything, really.

to which the interjection BECAUSE HE’S KOMAEDA comes

nanami’s expression changes to confused—but not a stupid, naive type of confusion. more of a genuine lost, but thinking look. “And?”

“And????And????” souda’s turn to gape because he’s the No. 1 Anti-Komaeda’s Antics dude. he’s a little at a loss for words and just kind of starts rambling — “dude’s wack or something, nanami. he probably doesn’t even feel pain or—”

“oh,” —it’s a quiet voice, but for some reason, it silences souda immediately. probably because he rarely talks..no thats wrong, he talks a lot. the thing is, he rarely talks sense or defends himself, but there it is, there’s that oh— “i definitely feel pain, soudakun.” ........he’s still smiling

surprise, komaeda also has a low pain tolerance. well, mentally, he can take it without complaining, but physically, his body gives in quicker than most. he’s, uh..kind of fragile, actually.

02. team situations...lil bit of speculating...

komaeda and souda are paired up

and souda is not happy

souda complains so much – as if komaeda’s not even there, listening to every insult – and komaeda just smiles through it all

he doesn’t even try to empathize with komaeda

souda complains to hinata a lot, too. hinata’s paired with nanami, who’s pretty tame like she hasn’t caused any problems for him and even if she did, he would be okay with it.

tent. sonia and gundam are paired as well, and souda is Not Happy With That As Well, just his luck...super edgelord gets soniasan all to himself, and him??!?who does he get??!?!probably-a-freakin-masochist-under-that-pretty-face-komaeda-nagito

that’s rough, buddy. / shut up.

02b.

komaeda’s the human headache, and souda hates it.

hinata’s never hit komaeda before — even if they were partners in this whole thing, hinata wouldn’t really ever get ... physical with komaeda. he’d get agitated, sure, maybe raise his voice a little bit — but more in a firm way than a yell — and that would do it, but ... never hit komaeda.

but with souda, it’s a bit different. he can’t sound as serious as hinata does, and he sure as hell doubts his ability to communicate with komaeda the living demon verbally. doesn’t even try, really.

so one day, when he’s really frustrated with komaeda and his mosquito pain and the jolt of actual pain that results from some unlucky encounter the dude’s had — and even though komaeda quietly says it’s his luck, souda sincerely thinks he planned it, did it on his own, knew the consequences —

and so out of anger, forgetting for a moment that their pain was connected, souda hits him. square in the eye. knocks komaeda off balance and he stumbles back.

but instead of feeling the satisfaction of a well-aimed punch, souda feels a good amount of the pain hit him straight back, and it hurts. but he doesn’t bother showing it.

he can’t show it.

instead, souda’s trying to stare komaeda down, as steely and serious as he can. even though his head is hurting a lot and komaeda is still so goddamn annoying, he has to look hard right now.

tells komaeda to knock it off because he’s now someone else’s baggage as well now, so .. knock it off.

02c.

komaeda’s quiet

maybe shares a small compliment on how much souda must go through as a mechanic and how dedicated he must be

but it’s ... in a nonchalant lighthearted non-creepy way. 

komaeda doesn’t even say “ow” or anything, but it definitely hurt, it must have..

souda’s a little weary of it all tbh, like ... this is komaeda. it can’t be so ... easy.

“hey man, are you uh .. are you sure it’s okay?”

“mm.”

02d.

if komaeda and hinata were partners, it would be more earnest and ... quiet.

hinata is weary of komaeda, but unlike souda, unlike everyone really, hinata at least ... tries. and that’s why it’s always hinatakun.

“just ... know that everything you do, i’m going to feel too, so ... nothing reckless, okay?”

that’s their cheesy pact, and hinata has to squeeze his eyes shut after saying it because of how lame it sounds, but komaeda just nods quietly and well ... he doesn’t just that.

there’s the neverending pain that comes from minor things, like when mioda rushes them somewhere and huptwothreehuptwothreefasterguys!! cmoncmon,ibuki’srunningoutoftimehereee!! and there’s a sudden pain in hinata’s lungs, but he doesn’t comment on it ever. doesn’t even bring it up to komaeda, really.

just takes it without making things messier than they need to be.

03.

back to “everyone shares it” .. yeah

when the experiment moves on to include .. emotional pain .. well.

w-e-l-l.

komaeda does surprisingly well for the amount of verbal battering he gets.

he feels some things from souda’s end every now and then, raises a brow but doesn’t say much. he is aware of it though, kind of just ... pockets the information. they never talk about it.

and for some reason, not much of what’s being said ever affects komaeda

and there are some pretty nasty accusations and remarks flying about

until it’s trial time(ok..danganronpa/kiznaiver/danganronpa au..idk how aus work, bear with me..)

and hinata just says in a tired exasperated but firm voice “don’t.” or “just stop.” or just a tired blurted-out “komaeda, can’t you just be NORMAL for once?” and .. well

there’s a sharp pang that goes through everyone’s stomach, right below the lungs, kind of a fluttery but painful sharp sensation and it’s so unpleasant and uncomfortable and sharp and ..

komaeda doesn’t bother looking at hinata.

komaeda and hinata don’t say a word.

        —– IS BECAUSE SOMEONE THOUGHT IT would be funny to try and pull some sort of response out of him, see him jump or lean one way or another, thought it would be entertaining to press chilled fingers against flesh and send a chill down his spine… well, he doesn’t regret it, necessarily, but it certainly wasn’t as enjoyable as he’d hoped; he knows for next time at least. 

        Weight shifts betwixt feet, a tiny shrug is offered at the mention of snow.

        ❛ I do. ❜ It’s a lame answer and he knows it ( unfair, really, given Hinata’s seemingly genuine attempt at a conversation ; he’ll try to do better just for you, Hinata-kun ), a sigh stifled as he convinces lips to give an upward turn, a smile that does not quite reach his eyes, a little distant — but that’s not important. ❛ I’ve never really done much with it but I’ve always liked watching it fall, especially early in the morning. ❜ A young him, sitting by frost covered windows with a dog twice his size and watching the snow come down, hard at first then so gently as it began to let up, small hands pressed to the pane with curiosity in his eyes, imagination running wild… visions of snowball fights & building snowmen floating through head, friends to do such activities with — & that’s where the fantasy would break, with a sad, knowing smile that no six year old should be capable of. Still, he did like watching; his growing apathy may put a wrench in that this time around, however. 

        ❛ …Do you like snow, Hinata-kun? ❜ He asks, ignoring the stinging of the wind against his face; if Hinata wishes to stay, he has no objections — developing a cold would be the least of his worries, anyway. 

“well,” hinata says, watching thin puffs of white smoke escape with every exhale. huh. “today’s your lucky day, i guess.”

lucky day. idiot. he doesn’t bother with an elaboration — lucky day as in komaeda’s chance to do whatever he wanted with the snow, not like ... actually lucky — and moves onto the next question with hasty speed. “me? hm.” 

another exhale, another white smoke cloud.

                  drifting far, far away until it disappears. he eyes it the whole way, and when it vanishes fully, he still doesn’t have a, uh... interesting answer. whatever. “it’s ... pretty, i guess. but after it falls and all, snow gets kind of tedious. i mean, it’s cold and turns slushy and gross sometimes, so ... —i’m ... neutral? i guess?”

pretty and tedious. pretty tedious. ha. ha. ( you’re very clever, aren’t you, hinatakun? your originality is so— yeah right. one look at komaeda, and he feels completely uneasy again. uneasy, uninteresting, and a little ...incompetent. he thought the mention of snow would perk the atmosphere, but... honestly, maybe he was mistaken. there really isn’t that much mystery behind a bunch of frozen rain. ) he moves his hands into his pockets and puffs out another quiet breath.

"what about you, huh?” he feels his hands bury themselves deeper. he can feel his phone and keys, but asides from that, the gloves make it difficult to tell what’s what. not that it matters right now, really. part of him wishes he could just sound more sincere about all of this, but his neck still feels tingly and sounding excessively sincere or warm or anything towards komaeda would just feel ... a little odd. probably would give komaeda another excuse to make fun of him or pull reactions.

01.

i didn’t think you were the type to waste food. says it without rly thinking, lazily scanning the unfinished ..

that hardly counts as food, hinatakun. ____ (they feed me too much here anyway..)

if you want, i could try to ... get you food from out. or something.

he laughs but its a bitter sound. something that says ‘hinatakun is already doing more than enough visiting everyday. having a burden like this out of school too would be...’ shakes the thought of his head. like hell he could read komaeda’s mind, and like hell he would actually think of komaeda as that much a burden. troublesome, definitely, but burdening?

is there a difference.

02.

hinata knows komaeda’s birthday – sees it on the hospital sheets and all, knows it.

three routes: a. komaeda saw his once on the student file thing. of course, there was a lot going on then, a lot at stake, looking for hinatakuns talent and all, but the birthday caught his eye as special. 01/01. new year. makes him continue the search with reinvigorating spirit. yeah...there’s definitely something special about hinatakun... there’s definitely somethi—his eyes narrow as he reads more of the files.

b. komaeda does not know hinata’s birthday. hinata doesn’t mention it to him, because it’s not like it’s...that big a deal. i mean, people are already busy enough as it is with the holidays and new years, and it might sound cool to have 01/01 as a birthday, but unless you’re actually special or something, it doesn’t matter. otherwise, it’s actually ... kind of lame. cue a three-in-one birthday present, people forgetting, etc. etc. etc. not that he minds it or anything, but... it’s lame. komaeda finds out the day after that hinata’s birthday had passed, feels a bit let down about not being told — but it’s not because he’s komaeda that he didn’t know, it’s just ... hinata has a hard time explaining it, but he winds up letting on more to komaeda than he expected.

c. unsure

03.

coming soon...