Ink Dreams

Yeah, you’re totally right. You don’t deserve to lose your job for some drunk bastards. Especially nowadays, anyone can sue for all kinds of stupid reasons. So if they have a good one, they’ll ruin you. 

You’re right about that. Stupid ass reason, like god forbid you bump into the wrong person while walking down the street. People are so sue happy it’s gross. So yeah gotta watch my back even if I wanted to tattoo a penis on a couple of drunk idiots’ faces. 

Exactly. If I’m going to break a neck I would want it to be because I was doing flips or got dropped doing a cool routine and not like stepping out the shower or something. Ballet is that hardcore. Luckily my feet don’t look like they were chewed on and spit on by the devils dog. But to put it into perspective those shoes that ballerinas wear with the square toe, there’s a bunch of fabric and packed up layers of cardboard all glued together in there and you’re dancing and spinning and jumping on it all while trying to keep perfect posture. The crawly shit always has a story but 90% of the time no one gets the story.

Breaking your neck while doing a flip would be a more interesting way to way to die instead of old age. Jesus, those shoes sound like hell, might as well put y’all in some fucking clogs. 

It would’ve taken all my will power not to just tattoo them…or at least make ‘em clean up the mess they made. Sometimes, people should just be held accountable for their actions, even when drunk. Could you get in trouble for that, though? Tattooing someone when they’re drunk?

If you have ever even at least seen a drunk person get tattooed, it wouldn’t take much will power. Making them clean up the mess would have been a great thing to do, but they were all way to drunk to function. It’s not illegal, but it’s a shit thing to do as a tattoo artist. Plus it’s no fun. I rather deal with a bunch of first timers than drunks.

I am not a weakling! Just because I don’t take pleasure in torturing people does not make me weak. 

You puke seeing other people puke, that’s weak. Torturing? Whoa, the hell you getting the from? It’s not like I tie them up and tattoo them against their will.

I am actually disappointed, I was hoping for blood and action at the end of that story, but I’m glad you handled it well and nothing bad happened. God knows how much drunk assholes can be and the limits they push. Some teeth missing, huh? Wild. That sounds insane. Do you reject them all? Because it seems like that’s a lot of money you’re letting go to keep your ethic intact, not many people would do it.

I said sorry to disappoint. If you want blood and action go watch a movie. Drunk people are the worst. Except for when I’m drunk. Yes, missing teeth, maybe even a missing penis if I am in a even worse mood than usual. I’ve only tattooed on drunk person in my career and that’s it. The money means nothing to me, I can’t be a respected artist if I tattoo every drunk people who ask. 

That’s true but you could snap your neck doing simple stuff too the possibilities always there. That sounded kind of cryptic I’m sorry. Like ballet and weird crawling on the floor and an occasional Miley Cyrus back up twerker. But mostly the crawly weird shit and ballet.

Naw, naw, cryptic is cool. Plus you’re not wrong. You could probably pray too hard and snap your neck. Question, is ballet as hardcore as I hear? Like do your feet bleed a lot and does it take some real ass strength? I will never get the weird crawling shit, to be honest.

Oh boy, that sounds terrible. I don’t think I could handle that, I’m a sympathetic puker and needles freak me out so there’s that too. 

It was pretty fucking horrid, but I suppose it would be even more terrible for you, weakling. 

That would be cool as hell but no. I’m a dancer. At least trapeze artist get nets to catch their fall.

Cool as hell, but also scary as hell. Those nets aren’t always reliable, plus you can still snap your neck landing in one of those.  Like Miley Cryus back up twerkers or ballroom or ballet or like weird crawling on the floor Dance Moms shit?

You can’t tell me that story and deny you at least hit one of them on the balls or made them sit on their own puke, come on. I would honestly kill someone if I were on your position, so this is me admiring your strength and will power. Do you get a lot of drunk people coming up to get tattoos? 

Sorry to disappoint, but the only reason I laid a finger on them was to push them out of the shop. Thanks, though. It took many years to build up this will power. If this would have happen when I first started I could’ve guaranteed that all of those guys would have gone home with some teeth missing. Unfortunately, yes. Mainly on the Friday or Saturday nights and a lot of them are tourist who want ‘a permanent souvenir from their trip to the Big Apple’. 

Maybe you should reconsider their demand. This is what they actually deserve,  they’re all dick [smirks] 

Shoulda, coulda, woulda, right? Even though they deserved it, the last thing I need is one of them being smart enough to some how find a loop hole and sue me or the shop. 

That sounds like a fucking nightmare when you’re sober, but I’d be lying if I said I haven’t wandered into tattoo parlors drunk out of my mind with some friends. Never puked at one though, so at least I’ve got that on them.

Yeah, it’s a huge fucking nightmare. You look like the type to want to get one of those match infinity feather tattoos with your bestie because your friendship is indefinite. I’ll give you credit for not puking though.

I got dropped today and landed on my face. Things like this make me question my career choices.

What the hell is your job? Trapeze artist?

I wouldn’t quite go that far darling, otherwise I’d be forced to call you in for questioning based on a deep and cruel hatred. [ grins ] Nonetheless, they are definitely scary. 

Please don’t call me darling. Have you ever lived with kids? 

It’s one thing asking me and a colleague to do a talk with the kids at some Brooklyn school and it’s another for me to actually go through with it. That was quite possibly the most nervous group encounter I have ever had - I really don’t gel with the little people. I’ll stick to solving cases and putting away criminals, it’s less scary for sure.

Are you saying little tikes scare you more than some cold hard criminals? If you are, then I understand where you are coming from. Kids are cruel and ruthless little monsters who only want to devour your soul.