夜の天使

"I just…" Truthfully, he felt awful for imposing his own wants over hers.

But wasn’t that acceptable when all he wanted was her happiness?

"But that’s the problem…I want to listen to what you have to say, to find something I can agree with.

Couldn’t she just see that he wanted to get stronger to protect her?

Eyes rolled and a frown set in as she shifted to defending the idea of her being alone, without someone constantly checking up on her or her work. "Have you forgotten who helped you set your current system of being healthy in place, Amaya? Yeah, you’ve gotten better at managing your duties and well-being without me, but there will still be times where it’s overwhelming.

And I want to be there to help you get through it all.”

If she was selfish, he was doubly so. He wanted his own perception of their relationship to remain intact, complete. There was care for her wish, her idea of how to handle it, but when it came down to whether he would abide by it deny it, he chose the latter. Better to have a strained relationship than none at all.

Past that, though, he didn’t like the idea that was single. She deserved somebody to be with her.

"And I’ll tell them that it’s because of my love for you that I’m willing to deal with the hurdles provided. It’s because of my need to be with you that I’ll do whatever it takes, however hard it is.

The words left her lips in an exasperated sigh, a signal that she knew this was a lost argument on her end. She'd just have to wait it out and figure out what the future held in store--if things got too tough, they'd have to work it out somehow.

It was all a matter of waiting.

"I suppose you win again, Kirito. I'm too tired to try and continue pressing the matter--I don't have the energy to lose anymore than I already have with this conversation. I suppose I'll see you later then--since you aren't leaving right away, we have a little time until, well, our relationship is even scarcer."

Intended meaning aside, she’d brought up one of the major points why he was so against her wish to go their separate ways. She needed someone who knew what they were doing in taking care of her, who truly cared for all the little things that went along with it. The Fourth wasn’t uncaring, nor was his (former)Captain, but they had the responsibility of hundreds on their shoulders.

It was much harder to care for each individual person throughout all that.

"…Than what’s the point of going our separate ways of all you’re going to do is wait for me? Amaya, all we’d be doing is officially stop being a couple. If you still want me to come by, to be with you, wouldn’t it just make sense for us to still be together?”

Wishing for one another, each other’s companionship….Why label it as over when it was so obvious they wanted it to continue.

And it also seemed he wasn't going to oblige by her wishes. But when did he ever?

Another drawn out sigh followed by a cough came from her as she glanced up from underneath her bangs for a second. Relationships were so difficult at times. "I'm fine by myself, you know...I know how to take care of my health and I know how to take care of Ukitake-taichou too. You don't need to worry when you leave."

She was such a bitter, little soul sometimes. She was probably being selfish right now too, but who wouldn't be? She was kind of sick of having a strained relationship, not being able to be around him like other people were around their loved ones. Maybe it was better for them that way--Amaya was independent and so was he.

But he didn’t want to interrupt, destroy a moment of slow back-and-forth between them that could quite easily turn to a shouting match.

It was almost laughable how they both failed to deviate from falling into an embrace of passion whenever the situation turned rather towards the extremes of feeling, be it elation or depression. Always was he holding her, keeping her safe, from everything that could hope to harm her.

Everything, it seemed, but his own choices.

"And you think that if we’re apart, I’ll suddenly stop worrying about how you’re doing?" Gloved digits ran across her back as his throat tightened for an agonizingly slow second, deep breath taken after it subsided back into some relaxation. "If anything, I’m going to worry about you more. I’ll constantly worry, and I won’t have a way to see if you’re alright if we split up.

Besides,” Digits found themselves against her cheeks as he leaned back enough to tilt her head up to look at him, finally allowing blue hues to peer over her as a wry smile, one almost broken by the desire to let himself simply cry, was made. "If all I cared about was power, and decided to forsake the health of the person I love…

A weak jab at trying to ease the tension between them, but it was still a serious one. Her health would never be one hundred percent and it did take its toll on the two of them. She didn't like feeling as weak as she did and often tried to hide her fevers or coughs--but under his watchful eye, she never could.

"--You act like you won't see me at all if we split up, Kirito."

It was because of his drive to be with her, nurture her, that he wouldn’t lay down and let them drift apart.

What good would it do anyway? Leave her without somewhat to lean on, to speak to, to cry with if the need arose? Why let go the person you’d die for, just because the distance between you would widen in the coming days? Love was boundless, limitless, right? So why, why did she wish to confine it behind the reasoning of distance?

"The best for who, Amaya? Certainly not me, and I doubt it’s the best for you either. Neither of us benefit from it. We won’t see each other if we split up, I’ll never have a reason to do anything but my work.

And I worry I’ll forget about the good things in life without you to help me remember them.”

Her smile hurt him, gouged a knife into his heart, as it wasn’t the upturn of lips that denoted happiness. It denoted a goodbye, a farewell. 

And he couldn’t stand that.

He wasn’t going to let her slip away, the one ray of sunshine that kept him happy, alive.

Steps forward brushed away the distance held between them, arms of need sliding between her and the wall before pulling her into a hug. Lips fell against her crown, eyes shut so tightly to hide the beginnings of tears. 

A quiet cough left her as she was embraced in his warmth once more, her own tiny arms sliding as much as they could around him. Her ear pressed to his chest, feeling that steady but quicker beat of his heart pounding against his skin. His lips upon her hair, the whole situation was like deja vu when they fought or were separated for a while.

This was different though.

But he was willing to deal with the hardships that it brought, continue trying to make it all work out.

That was his way, his creed. Keep trying, don’t stop just because it’s hard, or challenging. Especially when it regarded them as a couple; The person he loved more than anything else in the world, even himself.

He would try.

As ideas, thoughts, feelings passed over her lips, there was the undisputed truth that she was correct, that this would drive a wedge within their relationship even further than their previous bouts of erratic trouble.

He could understand all that.

But when she turned it along towards the extreme side of negativity, of cutting their ties together because she felt she wasn’t good enough to run alongside him, he grew scared.

Dreading words that came to fall from her lips only a second later.

Sapphire hues widened as he failed to word out a response, mutely staring at her as his heart came to beat faster, obstinate denial of her idea rising higher and higher within his mind.

"…no." 

A pause, a second to reflect, whispered word than repeated louder, much louder.

"No! Are you crazy, Amaya?! That just because I got a transfer we should stop seeing each other? I get it’s going to be hard to see each other, to spend time together.

She was almost as sickly as their captain, frail. She didn't necessarily lack ambition, but she never strived as aggressively as he had. She was sent off on missions more often than he was and he was often busy back in his office. They were rarely ever seen together anymore--she actually had gotten asks whether they had separated or not.

It only made sense to her: if you loved something, let it go.

"Kirito, please. It's for the best. I'm okay with it. I'll just be waiting for you, okay? I'm not going anywhere, any time soon."

Another tired sigh rattled past her lips, slowly leaning back against the nearby wall. She knew he was going to--who woudln't? That was an offer even she wouldn't pass up. But that also brought complications along.

Seeing each other would be even more difficult than it already was.

She had a feeling he was going to be accepting and she had rolled the scenario around in her head several times. It didn't make it any easier. It never did. But she had to speak her feeling on it--or what she planned on doing about it.

"--I'm glad you did. I really am and I support the decision fully--but now you need to support mine, alright? I think...or I feel, that with you accepting this, our relationship is going to be extremely difficult to hold up. We see each other scarcely enough as it is and this would only make it worse. I also feel that I will be holding you back and that is something I really, really do not want to do."