randomshizzz :)

Amidst Silence on Instagram

I just want to put my childhood

To bed and let it sleep.

My younger me is still wake inside me;

She is so tired -

Of all the neglect;

All this abuse is draining.

She just wants to sleep

But there is no bed to sleep in.

Fear is a bed hog

And

Depression steals all the blankets.

Present me is tired

Of pretending everything is ok

When it’s fucking not.

It’s not ok.

I am not ok.

Mama

I’m tired of smiling at you.

I’m tired of pretending you were there for me

When you weren’t.

Mama,

I’m tired of making excuses

For your controlling demeanor.

Mama,

I’m tired of walking on eggshells when your around.

Mama I’m done acting

I can’t keep laughing

At funny memories

I don’t have.

I’m ready for some sleep

But the heart crushing anxiety

It is a heavy snorer.

It’s so damn loud in my head.

Daddy,

Your voice

It likes to echo

And

Bounce off the walls of my bedroom.

Daddy please let me rest.

Daddy let me go,

I’m so weary

Walking on broken bones is exhausting

Daddy I’m so weary,

I need a place to rest

But as you said, there is no home for me here.

I’m so exhausted

The panic

The fear

The anger -

It’s exhausting.

This mask of a happy girl is heavy

And I can’t keeping wearing it.

The child inside me,

She is weeping from delirium.

She is begging to be tucked in.

And dammit do I want to let her

But the way the past hangs off me like heavy chains

And the way the past pushes at me

It just won’t let me let her go,

Not without giving her a real home

Not until she is safe.

It’s not safe yet my dear

Keep one eye open,

It’s not the dark you need to fear

It’s the monsters that crawl in the day you need to watch.”