whispers from somewhere

no, i don't believe in god. or any singular deity or cosmic ruler of the universe. i don't believe in them because if they exist, then they're in control of every tragedy to ever happen, and i simply cannot believe that any one being would think that allowing this much suffering and pain to happen is reasonable. no human being deserves to be used as an example of how not to live your life, or as a demonstration of 'it's just bad luck.'

i just want to be enough that somebody will always have me on their mind. enough that they will remember the parts of me that even i have forgotten, enough that i can stop worrying about if i’m just repeating all the mistakes i made with the others. all i want is to be enough for somebody to love me as i am.

when i take a step back, i see and feel it all happening again. i notice that i'm remembering all of those tiny little details, i realize that the way i'm looking at you is filled with reverence and light. some (every) part of me feels like it's drowning in all that you are. i want to fight it. i don't want to do this again. i am not strong enough to love something which will not reciprocate.

I love you and your writing !

this love is the kind that tears you apart. i know this, because i can feel myself breaking; i know this, because i think you have more pieces of me than i do.  this love could kill with the amount of pain it causes. i feel it in my chest, in my soul, i feel it in the way that all light is dim and dull because all i can see is you. i feel it in every heartbeat, every breath an agony because knowing you and having you must be two separate things. but i will keep loving you. i will never stop showing you love because somehow, somewhere, something in the universe decided i should be able to feel so strongly, and though sometimes it hurts, it's proof that i'm alive. it's proof that there is meaning in this existence. it's proof that people mean something to each other. i will keep loving you because you are worth every ache, every tear, every hurt.

I’m terrified of impermanence.

plane tickets, bought at the last second because uncertainty is a hiss you decide to scream over and drown out. the middle of the night, the quiet velvet darkness where time goes nowhere, your soft whisper of those three words because you can't say it when you know i'm awake, and you do, you love me, you love me so much it takes your breath away. pure radiant joy, the stars themselves contained in your sparkling eyes when you look at me, like you're finally so brilliantly and brazenly alive, soul on fire, mind endless, like you are the universe in a single person and i am an elder god creating all. memories so old and faded i tangle them up in cobwebs in my head, but you remember them instantly, you know these things about me even when i have forgotten them myself.

i'll always remember how it felt to let you go, because you took part of me with you. it destroyed me to watch you leave. even now, i'm still picking up the pieces of myself i thought i'd never find again. and i can't help but wonder how many of them you touched.  everything i feel, everything i see, it all reminds me of you, you, you. your name is a prayer on my tongue, forever unspoken; you haunt every room like a ghost i can never touch. i can't escape and i can't run away (not that i've ever tried). not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. if i could have just one chance to start all over, i would do it in a heartbeat.

i want to be loved like i loved everyone else. i want someone to commit the sound of my voice to memory, i want someone to feel complete when they hear my laugh. i want them to remember every single inane detail about me because they can't not. i want them to get excited whenever i text, i want them to show me things just because 'it made me think of you.' i wish someone would dream of holding me, wake up feeling empty because i'm not in their arms. i want the fairytale romance, i want the dream come true. i want back what i gave to those who didn't want it.

i was always awed by the concept of having no choice but to accomplish that which is a miserable task, yet paramount to improvement. i thought i'd be forever surprised and appalled by the sheer brutality, yet simple necessity, of "just doing it." and now i see the truth.

i am sentenced to purgatory, to an eternal battle between a glimpse of heaven and a taste of hell. i can see the life i want and the person i know i can be, yet i am shackled by the monster i am and the mess i created for myself. my existence is a cage, and i condemned myself to it.

1. knowing you cannot compete. 2. wanting that which you cannot have. 3. loving someone who will never be yours. 4. hating every moment of your existence. 5. hating every fiber of your being. 6. not knowing how to go back to the way things were. 7. wishing you had never let go. 8. wishing you had someone who would never let you go.

i am a tapestry cut from the cloth of sorrow; an agonized sculpture, molded by bloody broken hands. i am a painting marred with slashes in my canvas. the music of my soul is interrupted by sobs, and cries, and tear-choked words. i am writing which will never be read, the fabric of my existence naught but a torn parchment crumpled in a wasteland. what is art, but an outlet for pain?

there are infinite reasons for me to hate everything about myself and my entire existence, and until the day i die, i will etch a line into my flesh for every single one of them. i am a walking canvas of bloody thin-lipped grins, open mouths shrieking litanies of self-loathing. i am running out of space to show my shortcomings.

they always say to never let home be a person rather than a place, and to love yourself first before you love anybody else. you're supposed to belong to yourself before anybody else. you have to look before you leap. most importantly, you should never hope too much, because an excess of hope kills more often than a lack thereof.

split my head open and screams will float out on bloodred wings. carve open my lungs and you'll find darkness coiling like thick black smoke, choking me, exhausting me, poisoning me from the inside out. slice into my veins and merciless, whispering ghosts will seep through my flesh, and if you're not careful... they'll take you prisoner too.