Rinn

Sometimes I do a thought experiment.

I imagine what would happen if I died, if I killed myself.

Who'd go to my funeral, which of my siblings would cry first, what would happen after.

The look on mum and dads faces as they deal with my absence.

My siblings, telling their kids about me and the dumb stuff I got up to.

Family photos without me.

My friends, some affected greater than others.

I hope someone'd drink to me.

The silence of my room.

My room would be left exactly how I left it, my computer cold and my bed unmade.

My car still in pieces, hurriedly put in one place when my sister moves home.

My clothes, still in the basket.

My scent, clinging to the room as if I were still there.

I think of all this, i sit and wonder and cry about a future that'll never happen.

I can't be that selfish. Couldn't make everything about myself in the worst possible way.

I think and I cry and it reminds me of how I am still alive.

And how lucky that is. How lucky I am, for being to weak to do anything.

I couldn't be luckier if I tried.

I am an asthmatic who doesnt exercise or like leaving the house, i did some crazy shit as a kid (hence why i dont leave the house) i have near constant paranoia feeling like everyone's trying to kill me, even friends and family. I just ignore it tho cuz im not special enough to kill. I rode on the back of a Trailor when I was like 3. With proof. I climbed on the roof of the old farm a few times, not since I was like 8. I drift my 36 year old car on dirt. With no airbags. Ive gone 180kmph in a different car because I wanted to get home faster.

Wearing straight fire