Apple Juice Down my Esophagus

why now? I mean, I’ve always been a (self-prescribed) hypersomniac but things are different now now that I’ve regained my sense of creative direction.

Art block for years has been a struggle. Rediscovering what art means to me is one of the reasons why I keep striving to do better technically. Joined an organization, led the graphics team of a big ass concert (uni) for the first time. And now, that might come to bite me on the butt.

Not to be full of myself but I’m sort of anticipating that the current or upcoming leaders of that org would eventually reach out for me to be the graphics and tech chief for this academic year. It would be a nice opportunity but at the same time, a huge chunk of me wishes to turn it down (if ever i were correct).

Why? Because I want to pour all of my creative juices to my personal brand or account for once in a while. I could juggle shxt and just manage my time properly… but just imagining it is making me tired already. Heck, just waking up today made me not do anything despite wanting to. I don’t know how much energy it’d take for me to get up and do what I actually love instead of doing stuff just to gain experience, just because I have to, just because it’d benefit my future.

The thing is, I want what I love to benefit my future.

I’m just one of your average artists who aim for the same thing. Make a living out of my passion.

I wonder if admitting it to my family would make me more determined or atleast more confident in myself… Being in denial has kept me inside this small ass box for the longest time. I just know that if I somehow reach that point when I can proudly tell them, it would mean that nothing will be stopping me.

So, when… when will I get to that point? As much as I want to answer “NOW,” I just can’t say for certain. Though to be fair, people often say “do it scared.”

This year (mid year), I certainly will.

Starting this month, I’d be planning. And by October, I’d sell my goodies for the second time (my first time being last Halloween).

Reading all your thoughts as you processed what happened on what was supposed to be a happy day for you and reflected on life once again really broke my heart.

I wanted to "like" your post but the coward I am, I couldn't bring myself to do so as it'd probably make us converse. As much as I wanted to know more about you, your predicament (as you described it) was all too familiar to me. I escaped to this place on my own to avoid the toxicity of our "home." So I guess I tried to cover up my feelings and resorted to writing this instead.

I'm sorry for this half-assed concern.

Even though as of now, I know almost nothing about you and avoided fully getting to know you for personal reasons (AKA my uncertain feelings toward you), I genuinely think you're awesome. Everything you create has so much thought and heart poured into them. Every copy you write has so much depth that it never fails to touch even the deepest parts of me.

If I ever do give this to you, it might make you feel worse or you might think that you're not worth reaching out to or any of that... But you're not, I SWEAR.

This is not to put you on a pedestal, either. It might not make sense because it seems like I only look at you how I want to see you.

Then again, it's been more or less 2 years since then.

Was heartbreak really the reason why I stopped?

Was that really the reason why my whole character downgraded, too?

Or in reality, I haven't really improved that much in the first place after all like I claimed, just like I■■■ mentioned...

What if deep down, I'm still that same person I was with self-esteem lower than a buried body? What if, just like S■■■ said, I still need VALIDATION to keep going?

I have no idea why I doubt myself lately when I've established what I've built for myself for those past few years. I refuse to dismiss the hardships I went through just to prove that they were right when they're NOT.

They weren't.

.

.

.

I hope they weren't.

Because what the fuck have I been doing until now if at the end of the day, nothing changed...?

Why can't I just do what I love just like I used to? Why can't I take care of myself just like how I used to when I decided I WANTED to change?

Do I not want it enough this time?

At this point, I don't even know what to do anymore.

Since I've ran out of things to blame, I'm on the verge of thinking that something's wrong with me.

I hate that I can only draw either when I should or when I feel strong emotions. It's also conflicting when at the same time, I'm thankful of these times because that means I finally get to work my hands.

While I brought myself to this secluded place, I hoped for these thoughts to fade away. But now, I'm forced to deal with them, or at least reflect on them, because it's come to the point where I have no more excuses on why I can't trust myself to create.

I miss the me that held colored markers and vented on paper. If something had changed, I didn't want it to be THAT part of me.

What am I without art?