i know you lie

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

No? Then I guess I don’t have to propose a thank you shower. They’re a really special, non crying kind of shower. You may not have heard of it. 

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

She said he never hurt her. I keep just wondering why. I don’t know why I want reasons for it all so badly. But I always do. With him, with everyone. Anyway – can we change the subject for real now? I swear it’s not – I can’t wallow in this anymore, Riley. I think it’s going to make me nuts. And I still haven’t thanked you properly. For finding Thomas when you did… and for being so patient with him. I know he’s volatile. I hate… asking people to make excuses for volatile men. But I think he’s different. I think he can be. If given the chance. Guidance that isn’t Nicholaus. 

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

Sorry. You’re – it just feels a little silly, I guess. Being so bothered about something that happened so long ago. And how fresh it all feels. And I can’t die – and I’m not in any danger. This is four hundred year old damage. The kind of stuff I well and truly thought I had parsed a long time ago. And it very suddenly feels new. With finally telling Thomas, with talking through stuff with you, with fighting Silas, with – that new vampire was sired by Robert too, you know. Carmen. I feel like I want to talk to her more but I have no idea where to begin. Part of me feels like a broken toy and part of me feels like a liar for pretending that hasn’t been the case all along. And then I feel like a hypocrite because if you ever said those words to me I’d tell you exactly how ridiculous they are. I just don’t feel like me. I usually have a plan and have the answers and understand emotions pretty well. I think it’s just one of those get to the other side things, honestly. 

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

I’m sorry. For scaring you. If it means anything, I think your willingness to care about someone that much… now, after everything you’ve been through is really brave. I don’t take it lightly. 

I like talking about other people. I like .. asking questions. It makes me feel comfortable. I think when I start talking about me too much r when the topic in general gets … to be a lot. It’s an instinct. That and I start to think about my feelings and almost immediately want to know yours. I’ve always been an open person. I don’t play games. I like communication. But I do think vulnerability is something I only give certain people. Because it’s something important to me. And as such I might be .. a little out of practice.  I’ve always been better at taking care of other people.

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

Will you tell me why? I mean.. what was gong on in your head?

For someone who doesn’t know what she’s doing, I’d say your hands are pretty steady. There’s this horrific feeling that’s hard to explain. When helplessness mixes with overwhelming pain. It was Robert’s favorite thing to find. When he wasn’t playing twisted games of other kinds or putting everything back together before some fancy relative of his came with needs to satiate. So much of it had felt buried and yet Silas found it …. so fast. I think that’s the part that frightened me. Knowing how easy it is to bring back. No matter how long it’s been. How are you feeling? I mean with everything and with this and with … us? I can’t imagine you’re without … feelings of your own to relive in all of this. 

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

That I hadn’t let myself care about someone in a really long time, and then I did and you almost died. I was scared. Even though I knew you’d be fine, every time I thought about it --... I kind of lost a grip on my emotions.

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

I’m also glad you’re finally admitting to the bathroom crying, so I can stop pretending I couldn’t hear you for the sake of respecting your privacy. 

I do remember. I just feel like I’ve been a little heavy to carry. Even for myself and I don’t want to make you responsible for putting me back together either. I really didn’t … expect that fight to take the toll it did. 

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

Yeah I wasn’t -- particularly subtle.

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

Why not be sincere and emotional? I’m glad to be sticking around. More glad to have had you here. I know I’ve been fairly miserable company the last few days. But I guess this vote means I’ll have to learn to wash that man out of my hair, get my good heels back on and face the music for real sooner rather than later. One mild appearance in the kitchen in your sweatpants doesn’t exactly count for the same effect, I don’t think. 

[ PRIVATE F2F ]

Because you had a rod sticking out of your abdomen, almost bled to death, and I cried for three days in the bathroom after it happened. I’d like to pretend I’m nothing but a bag of dry humor for a little while. 

Riley - glad to see you survived the most intense welcome to the pack gauntlet we could possibly have thrown at you. I think we can, probably clean out some of the old bags and refill them, to keep a small back up stash. That’s not a terrible idea if there are some that escaped clean up. 

And then what? Is that the whole thing?

I know it likely isn’t what everyone wants to hear right now but we should look toward resuming business as usual in the near future. For the wolves, sentry shifts will begin again tomorrow. The schedule will be posted. I’d like to get a group together, maybe of holistic witches who could help organize a funeral. From Eden to Alistar, we’ve had a lot of dead family in the last couple months and I don’t want their losses put behind us without the honor they deserve. 

In the meantime, I’ve been talking at lengths with Aurora since I came back. She’s filled me in on nearly everything. I understand there’s a blood shortage. Anyone that is willing, I’d like to also make a schedule of blood donation between the wolves and witches. With our new vampire allies and the immortals finally not under duress, it’s important we keep them fed and space out everyone’s blood letting safely until we have time to talk about a more permanent solution. if anyone in the pack or my coven is morally opposed, speak to me. But I hope we can manage to put our best forward with this one to ensure the stability of the manor. 

I’d like to organize a small team of witches to re-instate the wards as soon as possible and call for our once established electronics ban as a precaution. Lucio should likely spearhead that effort with an Original witch or two to provide magic. This will also mean, that the manor should return to its usual rules. No one leaves the boundaries once they arrive. Those aren’t exactly my rules to make, but I hope Aemilia will back that concern up. Even so, they’re going to remain what I ask of my people. 

Wolf training will resume after the weekend and when we’re all fully rested. Morning sessions at 6, and additional fight training for inexperienced wolves and any witches that want to learn in the afternoons. 

If anyone has other concerns, please let me or Aurora know. And don’t forget that despite my position in the pack, I remain the Devereaux coven leader and all of your concerns are also mine. Any wolves who haven’t checked in with me yet, I’d love to see your faces and count your limbs just to be sure. 

Well, you have a battle strategy in place from your fearless leader. Everyone has had a chance to rest and refuel and get their minds right. And the blonde leader still has issues with me. So if we’re all in the mood and that is the tone leadership wants to set, let’s air some grievances, shall we?

Everyone here sucks. Except Lassie. Fucking hell, sorry - Riley. If it wasn’t made clear enough by my first outburst. Cristiana is a good person. She was never going to ask for blood, not when she prioritizes your health, your safety, your mental well being over her very own. And I haven’t the faintest clue why. She took a fire poker to the abdomen. It literally bled all of the strength out of her body. She got tossed around the foyer while everyone casually filed out during the fire drill to the barn fit for nine year old children. She had to relive centuries old trauma, turn on her family, and then watch the pieces of them gathered and burned. Next came the lecturing - as if any of you had any right. Now she wants to stay here as some protector for you undeserving swine, an avenging angel against the next threat. You’ve gained a powerful ally. Whatever crimes I have committed don’t belong to her; neither do the crimes of my family. And I think you are all human garbage. The living equivalent of sushi at the airport, a knockoff Armani suit, a drunk karaoke rendition of a Journey song.

Eat my entire ass, the lot of you.

I know. But I’m – I’ll heal. With some blood. It’s all .. mental, I think. Thank you, for getting him to safety, Riley. For getting that stake in time. We owe you our lives. Both of us. 

If you do, can I watch? Just once. I think I need the catharsis if he’s staying. 

Please don’t be sorry. You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m just .. shaky is all. Somewhere else is – yeah let’s, go somewhere else. You’re not okay either – neither of you. You’re nearly green.

Probably has something to do with why we’re injured. But this isn’t… that. This is still me making up for the shit I did. But you’re right… I’m uh… gonna sit. You good? I didn’t see you in the barn but I figured you were… in here. Did you get hit?

So you two are.. chill, now? No judging, just following the threads.