maybe u didn’t hear me last time. maybe u forgot that every version of heaven i’ve imagined looked a little like u.

i rmr when we had that off moment and were on bad terms for a little. i played Fix You for us, (since we both share a love for Coldplay) and at the end of the day you came back. we sat there together, stayed w each other, and just listened to music. smth about that felt so intimate to me, like love in its quietest form. i told you then that this song is exactly how i feel whenever it comes to you. i still feel that way now, even more than before. i always have. i just hope one day you can truly see that. this is how my heart feels. the song speaks on what it’s like for me. from start to finish. i wld give anything to feel that again. to have that moment between us right now. i always tried bc i saw how much our love is worth. to fix it all..the hurt i caused, to fix you, me, us..because we mattered. to me, we mattered more than anything.

because even now, with you alive and choosing distance, i still feel like i’m grieving you. and that hurts, because you’re right there, just not with me.

but as painful as that is, i would still choose that over the idea of losing you for real. i’d rather know you’re alive, safe, and okay…even if it means i have to love you from a distance…than live in a world where you’re gone completely.

and as my final act of love, i had to let you go. even though my heart keeps telling me i’m abandoning you, something i never wanted you to feel.

but i’m learning that i’m not abandoning anyone. i’m just accepting that staying close was hurting both of us in different ways.

I called today.

no ringing, no pause

just “leave a message for…”

and I still spoke.

it’s been like this every day,

and I still call anyway.

why?

I already know how it ends.

same silence.

same tone.

same empty space waiting for me to fill it.

but it feels better than nothing.

if I can’t speak to you,

I’ll speak there

like all the words I never got to say

needed somewhere to go.

a vault.

a place that holds what we didn’t.

people talk like this all the time

at graves,

to the sky,

to something that doesn’t answer back.

not because they expect a reply

but because silence is heavier

when you keep it inside.

maybe that’s what this is.

it almost feels like this is what we are now

not us,

just… visitations.

me, leaving pieces of myself behind,

hoping somehow they reach you

on the other side.

a one-way call

to something that used to answer.

and it sounds ridiculous, I know

but it doesn’t feel like it.

maybe this is what we became in the end.

not a breakup, not a fight

just

a quiet kind of death.

still, I’ll keep calling.

keep leaving pieces of me

after the tone.

one day, I’ll stop.

maybe you’ll hear them.

maybe you won’t.

maybe one day

you’ll leave one back.

a message

at the tone.