Outer Dark

3 of my friends tonight told me that they’re only drinking once a week or going 1 month drinking and then 1 month not drinking and how Great it is and on surface level I’m smiling and saying How Great but just a little Deeper down I’m screaming Must Be Fucking Nice To Moderate and Control Your Consumption of Alcohol and I ran out of cigarettes and my sponsor is in fucking inpatient and I haven’t maintained any of my relationships in aa because I’m a Fucking Idiot and that line from that hank woof song that’s just the Dude yelling “baby I don’t wanna Live no more” is on Repeat

Out here impatiently waiting for my Self Hatred levels to meet the necessary threshold so I can lean into radical survival based change

Missing freezing all day long w/ Brendan, big I Love New England Feelings, muscles growing and changing and feeling like some part of me is going to break but it doesn’t. Yelling “gravity is the bastard” and trying again and again hands ripping open, repetitive pursuit of futile action, just trying to get to the top

I am trying my hardest !

Tour can feel like the most excruciatingly lonely experience sometimes, and sometimes my heart feels so full that Itll just burst out of my chest. Long rides and thinking about my life, how I’ve lived and who I’ve loved and thinking about my life now, my life to be and the love to feel yet still. Large crowds and bright lights, 4am in the van all soft warm sleeping bodies around me, driving through snow and chancing a look Off to the side, giant trees so heavy with their softness, a glow in the air no music playing. Wanting to cry always, wanting to be home just for a moment

Big full fucking heart

Empty !!

From the same

Me n liz sketched by Sweet Evan