Israel didnât need Ricky to spell out his own pain and struggles for him. He could feel a simmering anger rising within him. He clenched his fists, his jaw tightening as he imagined the torment Ricky had endured at the hands of his father. It brought back memories of his own past, where he had learned to bury his feelings, to present a stoic façade to the world. It had shaped him into the seemingly emotionless person he had become.
Feeling Ricky bury his face into his neck, Israelâs own heart pounded with a mix of emotions. He understood the need for that anchor, that safe haven where Ricky could let his guard down and release the pain that had been silently carried for far too long. However, Israel couldnât deny a twinge of discomfort. The display of raw emotion unsettled him, stirring memories of his own struggles with vulnerability and the expectations placed upon him. Israel had spent a considerable part of his life building walls around his own emotions, shielding himself from pain and the perceived weakness it entailed. He had been conditioned to believe that showing vulnerability was a liability, that emotions were something to be suppressed and controlled. The sight of Rickyâs tears and trembling body awakened those familiar discomforts within him, reminding him of his own battles with emotional expression.
Uncertain of how to navigate this unfamiliar territory, Israel found himself grappling with conflicting emotions. He wanted to be there for Ricky, to provide comfort and support, but a part of him recoiled at the intensity of the emotional display. It was a struggle to reconcile his discomfort with his genuine care for Rickyâs well-being. He hesitated for a moment, his internal conflict evident on his face, before reaching out to grab a few tissues from the counter. He extended them to Ricky, his movements slightly awkward and hesitant. With a subdued expression he retreated to lean against the sink, creating a respectful distance. I would hope you wouldnât pretend⌠I mean, yeah, society tells you to be that way because of your job, and youâre a man. But, you donât have to be that way. Fuck society.Â
He watched Ricky from his position by the sink, his gaze a mix of concern and uncertainty. He wanted to offer more, to provide the support that Ricky needed, but he also respected the boundaries that existed within them. Israel knew that forcing himself into the role of a comforter would only compound the discomfort for both of them. The times he had wanted to cry but had held it back, the moments where he felt the weight of his emotions but couldnât let them show. It had taken a toll on him, carving a hollow space within. Iâve been learning that itâs important to allow ourselves to feel, to acknowledge our pain and let it out. It doesnât mean weâre falling apart. It means weâre healing. He took a deep breath, inwardly laughing at himself. He didnât even sound like himself and maybe all that time reading those books had done something. I understand, sometimes, emotions can be overwhelming. Itâs okay to feel. I wonât judge you for it. I promise. He averted his gaze slightly, not wanting to add any pressure or discomfort to the situation. Israel took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. He didnât know how to respond to what Ricky had said to him but it felt nice to be appreciated for once. If thereâs anything else you need or if you want to talk about it, Iâm here to listen. Even if I may not fully understand or know how to respond. Moving to try and clean his shirt again he stopped, his gaze remaining downwards as he thought something over. If you want to get out of here, and it not be suspicious, I can probably make that happen. Â
Ricky takes a few heavy breaths to try calming the calamity in his head that only seems to grow. When his hands fall to his side to see the discomfort on Israelâs face the moment he opens his eyes hurts. He hadnât exactly given the wolf any warning as he spilled his heart out about his traumaâhow else was someone meant to look? Still there was a sliver jabbed right between his shoulders right into his heart that began to ache knowing that he was doing this. The tissues are taken with a quiet thank you, balling them in his fist as the tears burn his eyes.
âItâsâI donât know, maybe Iâm just so used to beinâ emotionally stunted that I canât be vulnerable.â he shrugs. There was no one in his formative years to properly teach him how to regulate his emotions in a healthy way. Everything was pushed down tight into a box deep inside his heart to never be felt again until it came out in a burst of rage. When he was young all he was for a long time was rage. It wasnât until he turned, feeling everything burn so much brighter that he decided that he needed to keep a tighter lid on his rage. More precautions were put on his painful memories and building up this happy-go-lucky facade to make people perceive him as someone who never needed help. He was the helper, why would the person that was there for everyone else need to have someone there for them? âMaybe âm broken or somethinâ. Canât even fuckinâ cry without wantinâ to bury myself in the dirt.â the wolf snort, voice laced with disgust in himself.
The tissues are going unused in a stubborn stance to not look weak. Salty tears burn as they continue to threaten spilling over yet not fully taking the jump. Itâs as if he body has put all its will into keeping them in as Ricky stands there with his eyes cast to the ground. His chest burns with the pent up sorrow and embarrassment but he refuses to run away. That would send a terrible messageâhe would die if Israel thought for even a second that Ricky hated him. âIf itâs healinâ why does it hurt this much? Isnât that, I dunno, a bit counterproductive? To heal you have to go through all this painful shit, maybe reevaluate your life to the tiniest points until you realized that your life really was that terrible?â he chokes out a watery laugh. The wolf tears his gaze from their place on the tiled floor to look up at the other. His body burns like a tender nerve that never truly heals after an injury, bones vibrating with such intensity he canât believe Israel is unaware that Ricky may split into atoms. âI know you wonât. This is just a really, really poor place to pour my heart out. I shouldnât be cornerinâ you like this.â he sighs as presses his thumb to his temple. A right asshole youâve become Pride. âYou donât have to listen to me blubberingââIâll open up that can of worms later to work through my shit first, I donât want to hurt whatever.....relationship we have by trauma dumpinâ on you.â
Brows furrow curiously at the offer for help to get out of this sticky situation. There was no telling whose eyes were on the door or what bodies were outside it. He doesnât think any longer on it as that will make the anxiety worse in his mind. âHow do you propose we get outta her without trouble?â
