wandering soul

“Gosh you should like your mother now,” Katie teased gently as she released her tight hold to let him step away. She followed him round to the kitchen with a small smile before she nodded. “You’re right though I haven’t eaten.”

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“She IS my mother.” He teased her gently. As he walked through the kitchen, he paused before nodding. he would NOT burn down the kitchen... not this time... not this time. He began to pull out stuff for a quick and easy snack-- PB&J. He couldn’t burn down the kitchen making that. “You allergic to anything? I don’t remember.”

“Thanks, Ashton,” Liv said, taking the spoon and making herself take a bite of the pudding. She knew she needed to eat something. She couldn’t let something happen, her family needed her right now. “Yeah, that was a bad idea. I totally blame myself for that one I was so stupid and involved you in it.” The cookie dough wasn’t her best decision, but the whole incident had been a funny one looking back on it. “Mom didn’t talk to me for like five hours,” she pointed out. There had only been a few times in her life when Leanne had been that angry. “We tried our best to fix it, that’s all that matters. We learned our lesson, maybe…I think the cookie dough is still tempting at times.”

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“Eh don’t blame yourself, Liv, I coulda said no, I was old enough to be able too but I didn’t.” He paused before biting his lower lip, “Livvy...?” The boy hesitated, “Can... I... I mean... I...” He sighed. “I need to tell you something, Livvy. Mom already knows but... I think you deserve to be involved since you’ve always been at my side but... you gotta promise not to get mad at me, okay?” He fidgeted nervously. He’d been so nervous about this, but Olivia was the easiest person to talk too. “Mom was upset and it’s okay to be upset just... just don’t hate me... okay?”

Jack sucked in a breath when Ash said how old his daughter was. “Ashton, we’ve been together 10 months” He said matter of factly. It meant that this wasn’t a situation where Ash had found out about the baby recently, Ash had known about the baby since before he and jack even got together, before they got close. “Ok, so she has a sex tape of you guys? So what? Even if she published it, what exactly is that gonna do? Have you be the talk of town for a few weeks before something else catches everyone’s attention?” Jack asked, standing up from the couch and moving a few steps back. “I mean, like, you aren’t really anyone right now in terms of being important and both your mom and sister are out of the limelight” He said, rubbing his arm before glancing back at Ash, wetting his lips “No offense”  He paused  “Plus, you could have always sued her for revenge porn or something, I don’t know the legality of it with North Carolina.  god Ash there were so many better ways to go about this” Jack said with a shake of his head, before laughing darkly at the other’s comment. “God, I wish I’d never had to deal with anything that could have been scandal inducing” He said quietly, mostly to himself.

When he mentioned the possibility of his ex using drugs, Jack frowned. “Wait. You think she might be using drugs around your daughter and you didn’t think to, I don’t know, report that?” He asked, his voice ticking up a few decibels. “Are you really that prideful that you were more worried about your image then your child?” Jack’s tone was icy, as he stared at the other in front of him. “You think I’m not used to be looked at under a fine tooth comb? That’s what I’ve always known. I know how to keep my shit hidden.” He said with a shake of his head. “You weren’t forced to do anything, you were just too foolish to get yourself out of a mess that grew the longer you left it alone”

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Ashton simply listened because he couldn’t exactly disprove what Jack was saying but the moment he went on the attack about the drugs, Ashton defended himself. “I only JUST started suspecting that, jack, don’t accuse me of being an idiot who just stood by. I’m working with my mom to get legal shit done, I can’t just waltz in there and take the baby from her. I’ve been trying to put together a fucking--” Ashton stopped himself, “I’m working on that. I need proof. I don’t have solid proof. Okay? There’s no proof that she IS doing drugs, it’s just a suspicion of mine right now. I’m going to --” He sighed and stood up. “I don’t care about MY image, I care about my family. Things have already fallen apart, there’s reports of people--” Ash stopped himself. He sighed and rubbed a hand over his eyes. It was clear to him that Jack was angry with him and this was likely going to get no where, especially since Ashton didn’t have the mental ability to try and explain himself. “I just wanted to let you know we’re hiring a private investigator to help us get Willa. And yeah, I’m an idiot. I’m a stupid kid, I’m a spoiled brat who has no fucking idea how to be an adult, Jack. I don’t know how to handle situations like this. I didn’t know how to handle it and now I’m working on trying too. I don't know how I expected this to go but you treating me like the number one enemy of the state wasn’t one of them. I’m sorry. I’m just going to go...” Ashton walked toward the door, “and yeah, maybe I’m running away because I’m a child but I’m not running from her anymore. I’m going to get my daughter back and... I had hoped I’d have support from you but-- I’m not the only one hiding secrets, Jack. I know you have some shit you never told me. Yeah, maybe it’s not as bad as what I’m doing now but everyone has secrets.” He opened the door, fighting back tears. “... We can talk when... we’re more calm I guess... Good night Jack.”

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“Ash, you need to. He’s going to be so hurt if he finds out and you’re not the one who told him. Don’t worry, it won’t be me.” At least… she’d make an big attempt not to talk about it but that also meant that if she had any hope in keeping Ashton’s baby a secret then she needed to avoid Jack at all costs until he could tell Jack. Emmi wanted to tell Ashton that reputations didn’t matter and that nothing except the lost time with his daughter was on the line, but the truth was that they lived in a small town where that kind of thing could ruin entire families. She loved the south but some days she really hated it as well. Instead of saying anything else, Emmi reached forward, leaning over to wrap her arms around her childhood best friend. “It’s gonna be okay, Ash…” Leanne would do something, right? Since she already knew maybe Emmi could reach out to the woman.

.

“I’ll tell him after the... the end of summer stuff.” He mumbled and let her hug him, hugging her closer. “I told my mom... and... we’ll try to... do something but maybe Adam would be a great help to us.. I dunno...” He told her softly as he rubbed her back. “Please don’t tell Jack. Please let me be the one to tell him... he deserves to hear it from me... but thank you for listening to me. It’s been really hard for me but... I’ve tried my best through the whole thing to keep up good spirits... I’ve been trying to think of how to get Willa back.” A big sigh escaped him, “thanks again, Emmi.” Ashton pulled back from their embrace, “... We should finish our lunch, Em.”

x

Her eyes looked up to meet his as he touched her hand and she looked at him. “Sounds good.” Maggie gave him a small smile. She really wanted to get up there and get him fed and maybe find a way to get him to sleep. She would definitely try some old tricks she had up her sleeve, but that was going to be later. Right now, she just had to get him to eat. They had the bowls of soup and she grabbed some crackers for them before nodding to him. “We do.” She said before following his lead up the stairs and to her room. Once in, she closed her door and sat carefully on the bed with the soup. “Wanna watch something while we eat?”

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Ashton could smell it, the soup. He wasn’t really in the mood to eat still but he had too for his sister. He followed her, hugging his soup and drink to his chest as they went into her room. After finding a place to settle on the bed to eat without spilling his drink and soup, he looked to Maggie. “Yeah, I’d love to watch something.” He tried to smile. It was small but it was there, at least. He looked back at his soup and took a small bite. It actually tasted pretty amazing and he wanted to have more. So he did, starting to take more bites as his sister turned on the television to pick something. “Something funny.” He said to her between bites. He’d have his soup finished before she even turned on the television. Something about being around his sister relaxed him and made the food much easier to eat.As she found something to watch, he sipped his water before glancing to her. “... Are you and mom still having trouble?” He asked suddenly. “... she’s changed, a lot, you know... mom really is trying.”

Jack nodded at Ash’s explanation of his experience in college, but once the other kept talking, Jack felt his body become very cold. He, very quickly, did some basic math in his head. If the baby was already around, that meant that it had at least happened before Jack and him got together. But that almost made it worse, because it meant that Ash had been hiding a baby from him. “How long, or I mean, how old is Willa?” Jack asked, letting go of Ash’s arm. He chewed on his lip, half-listening to what the other was saying as his own thoughts raced around his head. But when Ash said that he was only telling Jack because of the possibility that he would be getting his child, Jack’s eyes flicked up to Ash’s face. “Wait. Are you telling me that you are only telling me that you have a kid because you might be getting custody at some point? Why didn’t you tell me before?” Jack asked, furrowing his eyebrows “I could have tried to help you in some way, talked to Adam or something” He said before his face relaxed every so slightly, before frowning as he came to a final conclusion. “Did you not trust me enough?”

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“She’s a year and... some months.” He replied shakily. This was terrible, it made him want to throw up. It wasn’t fair. But Jack’s response got worse and Ashton felt his body stiffening. Something was happening, something bad, and Ashton wasn’t sure if his mental stability would last. His leg began to bounce and his fingers fidled on his legs. “She... she has this sex tape... she threatened me... I was scared.. Jack, I’m only 23 years old, I- I’ve never had to deal with a scandal. My family would be screwed and... and I would have been a laughing stock but things just kept getting worse... I think she’s been doing drugs and I’m worried that Willa isn’t being cared for. I didn’t think I’d ever get her... that’s why I kept it hidden... I thought... I thought I’d...” He was feeling really stressed out now and realized what Jack was thinking. “What?” He spluttered, “No! No I trust you more than anyone I’ve met in my life! I trust you-- I-- I tried to bring it up multiple times, evenbefore we got so serious, but I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want you to get involved in the scandal if she published the sex tape. They’d have picked apart every part of my life, including you... I was trying ot protect you... but I’m seeing now I made a stupid mistake... Jack please, this has nothing to do with you... i trust you so much... and I love you... I wouldn’t do this to you if I hadn’t... been forced... I’m so sorry..” Tears brimmed in his eyes, “It never had anything to do with you.”

Giving comfort seemed like the least that Katie could do for her family right now and she held on tight to Ashton until she felt him draw back slightly. “Oh you sweet boy,” Katie gave a watery chuckle rubbing his shoulders gently. “I’ll be alright. This is just going to take us all some time.”

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Ashton looked away from her and sighed heavily. He considered laying down on the couch and trying to ask her to pet him until he slept but then the idea of seeing his father terrified him too much... He breathed in sharply before moving toward the kitchen. “... Let me make you some food, Katie..” He mumbled as he stepped into the kitchen, “You haven’t eaten, right? i’ll cook...”

Jack felt almost giddy over the fact that Ash had returned his feelings. It had been years since he said that he loved anyone in a romantic sense, and it had slightly scared him when he figured out that that was what he was feeling with Ash. However, he felt his smile falter and fade away when the other mentioned having to say something important. “Oh, ok, what’s up?” Jack asked, eyebrows scrunching together. The fact that it was something that Ash had been keeping to himself for multiple months worried Jack, and it also made his head start to race to think about the possibilities. Was Ash cheating on him? Was he in trouble with someone? Were drugs involved? Jack really didn’t want to go down that path again, and it would mean that Jack had missed any of the warning signs that he once knew by heart. He swallowed the lump that forming in his throat “It’s ok, just breathe” Jack said softly, rubbing the others arm softly. 

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Ashton’s heart ached at the look of concern his boyfriend gave him. It hurt to know he was going to hurt his lover... “O- okay... I’m breathing...” He whispered before slowly managing to calm down. “... So you know I broke up with that girl, went to college and like.. gave up on college.” He began, “well.. I  slept with someone because I got drunk.” He shrugged, “a girl-- she’s named Ramona.” Ashton was reliving it in his head, wishing he was sober now, despite always wanting to be a father someday, now was too soon... damn it. “Well I made sure we had a condom and stuff, I made sure... but she poked a hole in it or... something. I don’t know. I really don’t know... and then she came to me later, she told me... She told me she was pregnant. We got a DNA test and stuff when the baby was born and... well...” He rubbed his hair back out of his face. “She’s been using a tape... she recorded us that night... she’s been using it against me to keep my baby from me and she... she asks for money every month, but it’s just been getting worse and... fuck... losing my dad.... all of this shit happening to me... my mom wants to go get her-- Willa. She wants to get Willa from Ramona and... so do I... but... I have... I guess I needed to tell you because I... have a child...” He couldn’t look at Jack.

x

She gave her brother a softly, comforting smile. “You have nothing to be sorry about and have every right to be selfish, okay? Don’t worry about a thing.” She rubbed his back a little more. She could never be upset at Ashton no matter what he did or said. She could understand how he felt and would never hold that against him. She started heating up the soup and looked over at him as he poured them some lemonade. “I’m sure it is.” She said before taking the glass and taking a sip. It wasn’t what she wanted to drink, but the last thing she was going to do was ask her brother to go get her vodka to put in this. “We’ll get this soup and we can take it up to my room. Maybe watch something?”

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Ashton knew his sister probably wanted something strong but unfortnuately, they tried not to keep anything like that in the house because of their mother. As she finished up heating the soup, he rested a hand on hers, “Sure... we can go lay in your bed and I’ll probably... probably try to keep on you.” He murmured. Ashton used to love coming to his big sister’s room and sleeping in the bed with her. He loved her bed as a child even though it was absolutely the same brand and style as his own. They all only had the best, after all, but Ashton was young and his sister’s bed was bigger because she was bigger. “Let’s go, I think we have everything we need.”

“You don’t have to try to be strong for me. Let your emotions out, they matter,” Liv said, reassuring her brother. He didn’t need to keep that bottled up inside. It was best to let everything out. Liv learned that firsthand from her divorce. “We all need to support each other, that’s the only way we’re going to get through this.” She was trying to calm down and see things from a positive perspective, but it was hard. Reaching forward with her good arm, Liv grabbed the pudding and then realized she couldn’t open it. She hated feeling this helpless. “Do you mind opening this for me, Ash?” She did need to eat something, even if she didn’t feel like it. “Okay, let’s talk about…maybe that one Christmas when we ate all that cookie dough and felt sick our stomachs?” It was a funny story, and anything would be a distraction from the immense sadness they all felt now. 

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“Oh-- shit-- sorry Liv.” He took the pudding and opened iyt up for his sister. After setting it onto her tray, Ashton handed her a spoon, “Let me know if you need more help. Ashton thought about that Christmas, “You took like three spoonfuls more than me, it wasn’t fair. We were supposed to be equal but then when you got sick first, I thought hey at least I didn’t take more than I did. Then I got sick too. Mom was so mad.” He laughed, thinking back on that. Their father had been out saying something about finding some sort of santa sleigh or... something.  Their mother had had to take care of them both, yelling at them both for doing that because the Christmas party was the next day and they’d made the cookie dough to bake cookies for the party... oops. “Mom was so mad she made us make more. I almost burnt down the kitchen.”

x

A sigh left her lips as she listened to Ashton talk. She knew more than well that death worked mysteriously just as life did so none of them knew who would go first here, but if it would make her brother feel better, she’d promise him that. Though, she hoped in the end she’d go before him. She moved back a little and touched his cheek before nodding. “Okay. You don’t have to worry about that, alright?” She said and looked into his eyes. “But you see how we all feel the same? You’re not alone. Especially when you have me.” She gave him a soft smile before hugging him closer again and rubbing his back to comfort him. “Soup it is.” She said gently before moving away and grabbing a pot and grabbing a can of soup from the pantry.

.

Ashton smiled a little, for the first time in what felt like days. “Yeah... sorry... I shouldn't be so selfish, I... I know you’re going through the same kind of pain I am.. I know I’m really bad at paying attention to anyone else’s problems and stuff sometimes.” It was how he’d grown up. He was always spoiled by his mother and sisters and jsut learned he could always get attention but their father dying was not only about him, it was about all of them and he needed to remember that. When Maggie pulled away to get the soup, Ashton shifted a little and pushed himself to sit up and then stand. “I think...’ He began to look through the fridge, “Yeah here it is.” He said and pulled out a bottle of lemonade. “Mom and I made this before... you know... I think it’ll taste pretty refreshing.” He began to pour glasses for them both, trying to keep from crying again.

“Ash, I’ll always worry about you. You’re my little brother.” No matter how bad things were for her, she would always be concerned about him. That was just how it was when you had younger siblings. “We need to stick together for mom. She needs us more than anything right now.” Liv knew all of this was impossibly hard on Leanne. She lost the love of her life and Liv would do whatever it took to help make things easier. She knew Maggie, Max, and Ashton would too. As a family, they were so close. “I might be able to stomach pudding,” Liv said in response to his joke. In response to Ashton’s question, Liv shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t think I can sleep. Every time I try to, I usually end up having a nightmare,” she confessed. “Let’s keep talking. It’s a nice distraction.”

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“I’m definitely gonna be there for mom as much as I can be but...” The youngest Rhodes choked on a soft sob, “Sorry. I... I’m having a very hard time keeping it together, Livvy. I’m afraid I’m not gonna be much help to mama but I’m going to do my best... because she deserves to get that support from all of us.” He said. As she mentioned her nightmares, he could only looked down, the image of his father’s face flashing through his head. Damn it... Why did that have to be the last time he saw Malcolm? “POudding it is then.” He said and pulled some from a bag. He’d brought some snacks for his sister, knowing she might want something other than the hospital food. “Okay Liv. I’m here to talk.. I... can... talk about random stuff...”

Jack nodded, grabbing two glasses of water before walking back over to the couch, sitting down softly next to him. He furrowed his eyebrows “Babe, you literally have nothing to be sorry for” Jack said with a shake of his head. “You went through something pretty fucking traumatic Anyone would be struggling in your situation.” He said, moving a piece of the others hair out of their face, letting his hand fall to Ash’s cheek as he cupped it softly. “It’s ok to struggle, you know?” Jack said with a small, sad smile. He was well aware that he was being very hypocritical, but this wasn’t about him. It was about trying to make Ash feel better when he was at his worst. “I haven’t felt abandoned, there is no reason for me to. I love you Ashton.” Jack said, leaning forward to kiss the other softly before leaning back “And because of that, I’m not gonna get upset when you need sometime to get a grasp on your thoughts and feelings. You know that I’m around if you need me, but sometimes people need to be on their own, and that’s fine too”

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Ashton felt himself tense up, eyes growing wide. The one thing he’d been trying not to push onto Jack was said from his boyfriend’s lips first. He breathed in deeply, trying not to burst into tears again. His head was already hurting so much... and now he had to tell Jack about Willa. A part of him hoped Jack would just... be okay with it but... maybe that was wishful thinking. “... I love you too, Jack Valentine.” He whispered and rested his hands onto the other’s cheeks. “I did... I did need that time alone but now I have to tell you something really important. It’s ...” He shook his head, “I’ve been struggling really bad the past few months and I’ve had to keep it to myself. I can’t tell you how many times I almost brought this up but I... I’ve been so scared because until recently... I couldn’t do anything about it... please, Jack, don’t hate me. I... jsut... need to tell you this because you’re the most important person in the whole world to me besides my family..”

It had been a very easy call to make when Ashton had reached out and asked for the two of them to meet. She figured he could use some company right about now, especially after everything that had happened, everything he had lost. After having stepped into the small cafe, it had taken her a moment to locate him. He wasn’t his usual self, but neither had she expected him to be. She had slowly started to walk towards him, given her head a little shake when he asked if she wanted a coffee. “No thank you, not right now.” She said as she took the free seat next to him and gently placed her hand on his shoulder. “Hey -” She paused, giving his shoulder a very gentle squeeze, “You don’t need to apologize. I am here for you, okay? Whatever you need.” Pulling her hand back, she rested it in her lap. “Have you eaten anything today?”

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Ashton has had so many people ask him that question at this point, he couldn’t even remember how many times he’d said he hadn’t eaten but he didn’t want to make Verity feel bad for him. So he just answered, “I got some pancakes earlier.” and he smiled sadly at her before hugging her. “I’m sorry Verity, I just... need a distraction... I guess I just need to be around my friends. My family is so... sad. It’s depressing and suffocating in my house and I just wanted some time away from it all... and you were the first I thought to call.” He smiled again, still sad but his words were true. “Are you sure you don’t want any coffee or anything?” Ashton asked again, just to make sure.

.

College? Emmi tried to do the math in her head, but she’d never been as good with numbers as she was with animals so she soon gave up. She supposed that didn’t matter at the moment and as they continued to talk she’d know more about his baby. Emmi cocked her head to the side, half shocked that Leanne knew and covered it up from even her own mama but she was still filled with hurt and sympathy for her best friend. The blonde couldn’t help but gasp, pulling one of her hands away from Ashton and to her lips. “Oh my gosh, Ashton. We need to get that baby somewhere save. I can let Adam know… tonight. If you want.” The space between her eyebrows furrowed in worry for a moment, not realizing the consequences of her words as the next bit pf information left his mouth. “Emmaline…” Emmaline couldn’t help but smile through sad eyes that reflected Ashton’s, “Like me.” Oh god, everything sounded awful, she couldn’t even imagine what he was going through. “Are you kidding me? Ashton… I’m so sorry. How could anyone be so… so… so evil?” To blackmail him with a sex tape? It was absolutely horrible. “What do you need me to do?” 

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“I... I don’t know Em. I need to talk to Jack about all of this and... yeah... I don’t know.” He mumbled softly, rubbing at his head again. He felt bad for Emmi, he’s told her about this without thinking of the repercussions and how it shouldn’t even be her problem yet... here he was, telling her everything. “I don’t know... I... I wish I had some sort of way to get into her stuff and just get the stupid tape because then I could just go and take Willa from her and run but I don’t want my family’s reputation on the line...” He looked at his hands and sighed heavily. “I’m sorry, Emmi. I’m  trying really hard not to let myself break and beg her to let me see my baby... mom is so mad already,...”