Mayim

I have an anankastic mind that makes me do strange things but I love life, it's just that sometimes my head makes it hard to enjoy.

I hate what you made me, I hate that you made me feel so insane, I hate that you made me doubt my own reality, I hate it. I hate you, I hate myself.

I used to hate myself so deeply but now looking back I love the person I used to be. Where is she? Why did she leave me? She was so pretty and creative and smart. Why can I not be her anymore? Why am I burdened with this version of myself?

If I could survive just from cooking people soup, stroking their cheek, making them little gifts and lulling them to sleep.

Since starting my recovery journey I've been so proud of myself for not indulging in sleep deprivation but this week is kicking my ass. There is always this nagging - stop sleeping, stop eating, stop owning things etc. It makes me feel worse but it also makes me feel insanely better. Nothing more torturous yet joyful than keeping yourself awake for almost two days, hungry and on the verge of collapsing but still going. I pride myself in it even though it sounds horrifying. And when the night is over, i put on makeup and go to school. Nobody has to know, my little secret, in a way I guess it makes me feel like I'm better than everyone else. I can free myself from sleep, I can defy my own body, that's my peak of control.

This week was supposed to go well. I had it all planned, I thought that for the first time in an eternity I'd manage to go to all of my classes, take every planned exam and just... Do well, be normal, whatever. I fixated on it so much and without me even knowing the fear of failing absolutely parazyzed me. I couldn't study, I couldn't do my chores and worst of all, I couldn't let myself go to sleep. I spent the whole night keeping myself awake, not doing anything or ocassionaly doing my compulsions. I look like shit, I feel like shit and I am so dissapointed in myself.

While I do find cognitive behavioral therapy to be quite helpful, i also find it to be... Well, flawed. I feel like CBT is all about treating the effects by finding a cause. And with every cause arises another question "why?" because suddenly the cause became the effect and now you are on yet another journey looking for the thing that caused you to behave in such way that put you in the first situation. And once you've mapped your whole life, you'll find the first ever cause and there lies the question "why did it all happen in the first place?" and there are no more external causes, you were three and you were treated well so far. So no matter what I always arrive to the same conclusion, there was no external cause. It was internal, it was inherited and it was just me. Now, I am not saying it was my fault but the reason I was mistreated the first time wasn't that someone mistreated me before and set me up to be a "victim" or whatever. It was just in me from the beginning. I let myself be bullied, because I was missing the ability to tell that what was happening to me was bullying. I didn't seek help because once again I was not able to recognize that I was in danger. And no-one caused that, it just happend. I feel like CBT has the potential to be 100% functional in people whose struggles were 100% trauma induced, but the moment the initial trigger was simply caused by your neurotype, body, whatever, it leaves so many open questions.

Sleep deprived anankastic brain wants me even more sleep deprived. Got some more geography materials to memorize, it's not even that important but I feel like I have to. Then a picture to draw for a school competition and latin learning materials to prepare for tommorow. Two of which are somewhat avoidable but I have to do all three of them. My skin is scratched raw and I keep spacing out but I set myself a goal to manage a full week in school no matter what it takes.