THE DEVIL'S MINION

change the pronouns if necessary

“ and in that movie, he didn’t give a fuck about anything, ”

“ elvis was prettier than most women, ”

“ you know, i’ve always said, if i had to fuck a guy, you know had to, if my life depended on it, i’d fuck elvis ”

“ so we’d both fuck elvis, ”

“ you want to take me to a kung fu movie? ”

“ i kept asking [ name ] why our seemed to be collapsing and everything seemed so shitty? ”

“ that’s the way it goes, but don’t forget, it goes the other way too, ”

“ that’s the way romance is, ”

“ i’m the clumsiest person in the world, ”

“ thanks for bein’ such a sweetheart,  ‘cause you could’ve been a real dick, ”

“ isn’t he supposed to be a good guy? ”

“ well, he ain’t so much a good guy as he is just a bad motherfucker, ”

“ you’re sure a girl after my own heart, that’s all, ”

“ would you like to get some pie with me? ”

“ the big question is, do you have a fella? ”

“ you want a bite of my pie? ”

“ what are your turn ons? ”

“ a man who can appreciate the finer things in life like sugar, ”

“ ask me that one a little bit later, ”

“ in a theater full of empty seats, why did you sit by me? ”

“ what is it? are you crying? ”

“ what’d i do? did i do something? ”

“ i have something i gotta tell you, ”

“ that was one of the best times i ever had, ”

“ there was no way you could like me that much, ”

“ stop being so fucking calm about all of this! ”

“ there’s a note on your tv and all it says is ‘ dear [ name ] ’ ‘cause i couldn’t write anymore, ”

“ please shut up! i’m trying to come clean, okay? ”

“ i want you to know that i am not damaged goods, ”

“ i’m a really good person! ”

“ if i’m with you, then i’m with you, and i don’t want anyone body else, ”

“ now i gotta tell you something else, ”

“ i never had as much fun with a girl as i had with you my whole life, ”

“ but i think i love you, ”

“ now, if i say i love you and just throw caution to the wind and let the chips fall where they may, and you’re lying to me i’m gonna fuckin’ die, ”

“ hold on, [ name ], you sayin’ that you eat pussy? ”

“ well, can you live with it? ”

“ are you haunted? ”

“ well, i’d kill him, shoot him in the face, put him down like a dog, ”

“ the fuck don’t deserve to live, ”

“ get away with it? killing’s the hard part, ”

“ gettin’ away with it, that’s easy, ”

“ [ name ], i like you, i always have, always will, ”

“ look, [ name ], i know he scares the shit out of you, but i’m not scared of that motherfucker, ”

“ he poses absolutely no threat to you, ”

“ no, you don’t know me, not when it comes to shit like this, ”

“ i want you to know you can count on me to protect you, ”

“ this isn’t a good idea, ”

“ i’m still a mystery to you, ”

“ now, i know i’m pretty, but i ain’t as pretty as a couple of titties, ”

“ this child be fierce, ”

“ i ain’t scared of you, i just don’t like ya, ”

“ you wanna fuck with me? ”

“ wanna get fuckin’ shot? ”

“ i just did you the biggest fucking favour of your life, ”

“ i killed him, ”

“ eat something, you’ll feel better, ”

“ what the fuck you crying for? ”

“ i said ‘ do you fucking love him? ‘ huh? ”

“ i think what you did was so … romantic, ”

“ i’m sorry if i seem a little tense but you’re the last person in the world that i expected to see this morning, ”

“ ain’t she the sweetest goddamn thing you ever saw in your whole life? ”

“ daddy, nice ain’t the word for this girl, ”

“ she’s a peach, you know? ”

“ she even tastes like a peach, ”

“ you can tell i’m in love with her, can’t you? ”

“ you give me fuckin’ headache, ”

“ you’re your fuckin’ mother through and through, ”

“ you walk in here like a goddamn bulldozer, ”

“ i’m in big fuckin’ trouble, ”

“ stop acting like an infant! ”

“ but what makes you think that i would do that? ”

“ quit fuckin’ around, ”

“ as the sun sets slowly in the west, we bid you a fond farewell, ”

“ i’m a married man, buddy! ”

“ wanna say hello to my better half? ”

“ i’m the antichrist, ”

“ you got me in a vendetta kind of mood, ”

“ you tell the angels in heaven, you never seen evil so singularly personified as you did in the face of the man who killed you, ”

“ you can always take comfort in the fact that you never had a choice, ”

“ there are 17 different things a guy can do when he lies to give himself away, ”

“ no i’m - i’m quotin’ history, ”

“ ‘cause you, you’re part eggplant, ”