My Randomness of Thoughts

I know that you are not supposed to be jealous of others. I know that things work out the way they are supposed to, but man I am so jealous of a lot of things and it is all my fault. I didn’t go to college and I have no excuse as to why I didn’t, I just didn’t and now I can’t bring myself to go but that’s not even the real issue.  The issue is that I am just jealous. I see all these posts on Facebook from all these people that I went to school with, graduating, exploring the world, do amazing things.  And what am I doing? Just going to work in what feels like a dead end job even though I haven’t even been there for two months yet. I feel useless at my job. I just want to cry all the time while I am at work, and I don’t feel like I belong there either. It is weird I know but that is how I feel. I know I am new, but there are other new employees who are fitting in, I know that part of it is also that I am not able to talk to my coworkers like everyone else is. It is like I am just locked in this room and have no adults to talk to.

Then I see classmates that are trying to do the same thing that I am. Trying to adult. They have families, like they are all married, have kids, able to buy a house. And I’m not. I’m trying. I love my boyfriend, and we have talked about it several times, we don’t want to get married right now, and we don’t want to have kids right now. That is our choice and I am okay with it. I want to enjoy my time with him, but we also want to move on to the next phase of our relationship.  We want to buy a house. In fact for over six months we have been trying. First we were told it was his credit, then it was that he hasn’t been at his job long enough, and then it was “Oh yes you are approved for this amount of money.” and then the next day we get a call saying, “Oh we are sorry you haven’t been at your job long enough.  Try again when you have two years worth of taxes.”

Then I see classmates who one day apply for a home loan and then the next day are posting about how they got approved and they have already put an offer on a house.  It sucks.

It is like life is just mercilessly kicking us. I can’t even find the strength to breathe anymore. It is just kicking me and kicking me.

Then I finally catch my breath and look around for support from a friend but can’t find any. I literally just have my boyfriend. He is my only friend and I don’t like it. I’ve never been one to have tons of friends, but even those ones that I once called best friends are not my friends. Part of it is being at different parts in our lives, like them being married and having kids. The other part I feel like is because I found my boyfriend they abandoned me.  They didn’t think that i needed them anymore. I do. I can’t just always complain to my boyfriend.

I have tried reconnecting. I have tried reaching out, but there is only so many times that you can be rejected before you get the picture. And then it hits me life is kicking me again.

So today at work I pretty much came to the conclusion that I do not want to stay at my job any longer. It is going to be torture to stay until May to finish out the school year. But I am thinking that I’m going to do it, simply because I want to see my kids graduate.

But I’m not sure what else I am wanting. I want to go to school full time but I cannot afford to do that and not work. But I don’t want to work and go to school at the same time, unless I only do a couple of classes.

I have been talking to my boyfriend about what to do when my lease is up and he has suggested that I could move in with him, but he always says for a couple of months, until I can save up some money and find a place. I mean I’m sure I would end up staying but at the same time I don’t want to depend on him for everything. I want to say that I provided myself with stuff. But it would be nice to go to school and maybe work on weekends or something like that...