tired

I hate being too high holy fuck

i don't really know what's up or down right now. i feel like I've just been going through the motions. I haven't really been living for quite some time now. I really don't know how long. These past two years have gone by and I can't remember anything. I don't really know what's wrong with me because as much as I hope im getting better, Im scared it's just a lie I keep telling myself. maybe I'm not lying, maybe it just gets worse right before you break through that final layer. maybe. idrk. I don't even know why I'm writing this right now I just needed to say something. I think the whole c/c situation messed me up. and no, I'm not blaming him at all. it's not his fault. I've thought about it a lot and it's completely my fault. why didn't I just tell him I liked him? why didn't I just follow through for once. he gave me so many signs but I just didn't see them. and now another girls in the picture so forget about me. he's happy and so whatever. our friendship isn't weird at all. for the most part at least. today in chemistry I got super red when he said "hey, I think we have chemistry togher" jokingly and I think it was pretty obvious. so that wasn't good. I don't really know what to think of this situation. I'm gonna go to bed. night

please will someone message me I just need to rant before I do something stupid