it's in the refrigerator

hello. this is a blog. idk what’s going on it yet. call me niall and more importantly call me they/them.

everything’s under construction and it might be forever, idk how much I care yet.

this blog is 18+

if you need me to tag something lmk

i’m old and cranky

I ship everything

it’s @pxis birthday, so even though I hate everything I draw lately, I wanted to get something done 

     he doesn’t expect the touch , and it shows in the way his fingers flinch against his face where he pulls them down a little , and his eyes flick over to Gabe for a moment to fix on him . “ no , I don’t hate you . why would I ever hate you ? ” it’s almost a laugh , rumbling from deep down in his chest . it fades somewhat though , and his hands fall away from his face , resting in his lap as he relaxes .

     a huff leaves him , and he shifts so his body is more relaxed , shaking his head . “ Gabe , I’m — fuck I’m a werewolf , constantly hunted every day of my life now . if anything I should be the one apologizing for dragging you into this fuckup . ” he shrugs a little and looks away , shoulders hunching up just a little . “ maybe it’s a good thing no one ever came to find me anyway . probably could’ve hurt ‘em .. or worse . ”

     Jesse’s fingers curl , and he breathes out slowly . “ you saw what happens when I’m like that . you’re lucky I didn’t go after you . ”

“You’re not so big and bad, Jesse,” he reaches for him again, encouraged that the younger man isn’t pulling away, his arms slipping around his waist. “Yeah, you’re-- a big scary werewolf, I get it. But I don’t think you could hurt me, even if you wanted to.” He rests his cheek on the man’s shoulder, not trying to make him look at him, just-- holding. 

     “ at least you weren’t alone , right ? that’s what matters , for a while , you weren’t alone . ” maybe that’s why Gabriel had done it , had gone to Jack , instead of him . it makes Jesse feel horribly alone himself , knowing he really had no one out there that had wanted to find him , and it strikes a deep chord , but he swallows it down . instead , his fingers fall away from where he had touched , the shrug forcing him to drop his hand . he won’t keep it where it isn’t wanted .

     “ .. no , I don’t know . I know my own demons , and what I’ve done , but I don’t think they compare to that . ” he knows waking up covered in blood with bodies around him , or waking up missing an arm , panic high and tight in his throat . he knows going to Moira and waking up again , bloodied , but with her delighted face on the other side of bulletproof acrylic as she had thrown people to him instead of helping him . 

     his gaze drops to his hands , both of them , aware the metal one is aching at the section where chrome and metal meet flesh . the consequences of sleeping with the prosthetic on . “ m’not goin’ anywhere darlin’ , that much I can promise . ” his own shoulders shift into a shrug . “ all I know is … I’m fine , with whatever you’ve done . a little sleep and I’m perfectly fine . but .. that probably doesn’t help , even if I do mean it . ” he draws away then , sitting at the edge of the bed , his fingers pressing carefully to his face as he breathes out slowly .

     Gabriel had asked him to stay , but now it just feels like he wants nothing to do with him .

Darlin is what gets his attention. It stirs something in him, something warm, something he’d thought was long dead. Again, he’s quiet for a moment, and then he turns to Jesse. He had wanted him to let go, because-- well, he was afraid of hurting him, because he thought he already had. Not physically, just-- 

Now it’s his turn, and he reaches out, putting his hand on Jesse’s arm. Just holding for a moment. “You don’t hate me..?” He’s watching him with concern. “I wouldn’t blame you for it. I--” He shakes his head, not knowing how to say it. “I’m sorry.” He doesn’t regret anything-- but he’s sorry that he’s not what Jesse expected, that he’s failed him in so many ways. 

     Jesse has always been a bit of a loose canon . temperamental , ready to blow at the smallest hint of things . being what he is now , well , it isn’t a good combination . being volatile means he’s more liable to shift , to let his emotions explode outward , like they had earlier in his panic . but now he feels like he’s growing cold ,and even more so when Gabriel pulls away .

     made up . the words alone make his chest constrict , and he looks away suddenly , his body shifting as he moves . he knows he shouldn’t have a right to feel jealous , but he’ll forever blame Jack as the reason he was forced to leave . the reason bad things happened . his fingers curl , and he finds himself somewhat wrapping arms around his torso , holding on as if he can find comfort in it . “ … so , you lost control . like .. before . what I saw . ” when they had fucked . 

     McCree can connect the dots enough , really , it isn’t difficult . suddenly he feels a cold slip down his spine , and he closes his eyes as he listens , chewing on his lower lip gently . he worries it to and fro , only to blow a sigh past his teeth as he looks back , seeing the vulnerable position Reyes put himself in . 

     a hand lifts , and he gently presses it to a bare shoulder , thumb tracing scars as he does . “ explains why I never … well . why I never saw you until now . ” Reyes had been busy , with Jack . there had been no seeking him out , and Jesse … well , he’d been reckless . got himself caught in things , but oh he’d be lying if he didn’t say he’d sobbed for Reyes the first transformation . begged to be found , to have help .

He’s quiet for a long time. Jesse’s not completely stupid, he knows he understood what he meant. “We didn’t--” he doesn’t want to say it. “It happened so fast, we barely--” his brow furrows, and he resists the urge to look back at him, to flinch at the feeling of Jesse’s hand on  his shoulder. He shakes his head. “It doesn’t matter. You must hate me. And I can’t blame you.” 

If anything, his posture constricts further, as if bracing himself for whatever is coming next. “But you don’t-- know what it’s like. To have someone just fade, in your arms.” More than just in his arms, but it’s moot. He shakes his head. He doesn’t even know how to describe it. “It’s awful.” He looks back at Jesse. He felt like he needed to be honest about this, but he’d known how much it would hurt to uncover. His gaze unfocuses. “I can’t lose you, Jess. I can’t-- do that to you.” 

     he doesn’t elaborate on what he had said , but he doesn’t need to either . he can see Gabriel working it out in his mind , and he draws in a shuddering breath for a moment , nodding slowly . “ nearly bled out … I was — I had shifted . they caught me in a trap , I didn’t know what it was , or how to get out . I just … remember being caught , and a bunch of hunters . ” he doesn’t much recall how he had escaped , either . but he’s grateful he had .

     slowly , he rests his bulk into Gabriel , nuzzling into him slowly and letting out a shuddering noise as he does . “ ya I — I know . it’s just .. weird , not hurting someone . ” his eyes trail to the man’s hand , where there’s scarring from his teeth . well . some hurt isn’t intentional , that had been an honest mistake . 

     he draws in a breath and looks up when he hears the name , suddenly straightening up a little . “ … you did it , ” he says , but his voice is soft , non-judgmental . he waits too , for an explanation , what had happened . surely it had been an accident , maybe . then again , Jack had been the reason everything had gone to shit , so far as Jesse was concerned .

“I did.” Maybe that’s all Jesse needs to know. But it’s not all he wants to say about it. Here in the dark, it’s like the only time he feels like he can admit to it. He’s quiet for a long time, just holding the younger man, thinking it over. 

“I didn’t know yet, what I could do. And after everything-- we kind of made up. Not really. But enough.” This part feels worse than killing him, somehow. Because it’s the part that might hurt Jesse. He sits up, no longer feeling like he has any right to hold Jesse. Gazing off into the dark. “Enough to--- look, I didn’t know what I could do. I think maybe Moira wanted-- to see what would happen. When I lost control.” He shakes his head, resisting the urge to spit. 

     there’s a second where he doesn’t even look at Gabriel , his eyes shifting away , before he swallows down . “ bad enough of one . ” he bites down onto his lower lip , worrying it between his teeth slowly before he swallows a sigh down instead . “ they can be vicious , Gabe . I — at one point , I was overwhelmed enough by them that they almost got me . ” there it is , the soft confession . he can still remember the alleyway and the scent of blood , the taste of it . how he’d nearly been killed . 

     as if on instinct , he grabs his prosthetic arm , holding it with the flesh hand. he’d not admitted to Gabriel about the near death experience , and he looks back to him to meet his eyes , the worry settling in his own hues .

     “ ya well , yer not much of a danger to me , not as much as you think . I have strength and if I can … can survive what I did before , through all of this , I’m pretty sure I can survive you . ” his lips twitch just a little , before he leans in , slowly resting his forehead against Gabriel’s as his eyes close and he just … relaxes himself .

It takes him longer to understand than he’s proud of. His eyes follow Jesse’s reach to the arm, and he lifts a hand to it, drawing small circles with his thumb, as if to blend the place where the metal meets this skin. “That’s how this happened,” he says, understanding it at last. 

He nods. Now he knows why the younger man is so afraid. He doesn’t say anything for a moment, he just leans and presses a kiss to his shoulder.

When Jesse leans against him, he pulls him close. “You can,” he agrees, gently. "We didn't ask to be like this," liar. "But now that we are--- I don't think you can hurt me, Jesse, even if you tried. And if I could hurt you, permanently at least, I think I would have already." He sighs. This is the moment to tell him, he knows. He owes it to him, and Jessie already shared so much with him and-- he can't keep holding it inside.

     “ I’m pretty sure you can be . I mean , hell , I can be killed , but it takes a hell of a lot . ” his voice drawls , but he breathes a little easier . the panic is lessening , something that he needs right now , and he tilts his head just a little , breathes in steadier . 

     the hands pull at his own , drawing the claws from where they had dug down into his skin , and he looks up at Gabriel , his gaze worried , wild . “ yeah well , I dunno if that’s a good thing . maybe they’ll start targetin’ you because of me . ” his brows furrow , and he bites his lower lip , only to press forward slowly , and tip his head to bare his collar .

     slowly , the fur starts to retreat from him , and he trembles slightly , too wound up but not enough to be shifting himself . “ … m’not gonna get back to sleep , but … you should . you need it a hell of a lot more than me . ” 

he shakes his head, sure of himself. “You’re being paranoid, Jess. Did you have a bad dream or something? These so-called hunters are, at best, an annoyance.” His fingers move from collar to cheek. He looks him in the eye, as if trying to make sure he hears. 

A few weeks ago, he would have shirked the gaze. Afraid of anyone seeing him, like this. Least of all Jesse. But now-- he holds his gaze. Not comfortable, maybe, never comfortable, but.. the closest he’ll get to it. 

     he’s hunched , shoulders up near his ears and body trembling . bare as he is , it’s easy to see the way the hair begins to blanket him , as the emotions ( and his mind ) both spiral out of control . they twist and turn and he finds himself curling more inward , fingers shifting to claws , pressing down against his tanned skin .

     of course , he also feels when Gabriel starts to feed off of it too . the lessening of it , a panic that isn’t quite a panic , but somewhere close .

     he doesn’t hear the first word , Jesse is too caught up in the panic of the moment , how he knows he’s put Gabriel in danger , probably more than he ever has been with the bounties . he didn’t mean to drag the man in to his trouble , but there he is regardless . 

     it’s the sharp command that has him looking up with a strangled sound , his eyes widening a little before he breathes shallowly and fixes his gaze on the man . it’s grounding , the warm touch through growing fur , and the shift stops halfway through , not worsening , but not getting better . instead , he’s half morphed , but his gaze is on the older man . “ y-yeah but … for how long ? how long before I get you killed ? ”

He doesn’t yet know quite what to do, he’s still working on it. He doesn’t know if Jesse responds yes to orders, or to gentleness.  He’s never been exactly predisposed to the latter. He can’t tell if taking from the werewolf is helping or if it’s just.. greedy.  “Before you get me killed?” He sounds amused, but still serious. He chuckles a little, dry. “I don’t know that I can be killed.” It’s a lie. He’s sure he can. He might be hard as hell to kill, but-- he was still flesh. Most of the time. He sighs, sitting up, reaching for Jesse’s hands.