Just Another Chapter

Walked into a room full of people I love. each have a piece to my heart that cant be replaced. They are my people and everything I knew growing up. But why did each one have a question mark across their face. A room filled with joy and I hardly know any of them except fragments of my childhood. The same tune played but it was a familiar song I'm used to listening to. Same chefs in the family with food that left my stomach full (but other body parts felt empty). Same family games (you win some and you lose some). And the shots of Hennessey that reminded me why I avoid cognac. Then all of a sudden, I was asked questions that overwhelmed me to my core. I was berated, condemned, shunned, but they're looking out for me right? I had to hear those things. I had to tell myself right? But I guess I didn't, when my sister spoke up for me. My body froze and a wave sadness took over my body. That I actually didn't need to take all of those hits but I was so used to it. The wave of sadness that hit me was I'm never anybody's first thought because I left a mark in their life. I'm their first thought because they worry about me like a lost puppy with no home. They say its because they love me. They say theyre looking out for me. But why did support for others came with banners and glee, but I was left with the burden to carry on my mom's legacy. A family who loved my mom to her core can't overlook that I'm still half of my dad. A br(ok)en fam(ily). but ok, ily.

I wasn't a perfect parent, and you were a scruffy dog. In my head however, we were a perfect pair like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo. You never complained or barked, but your licks spoke volume. You were at your calmest when you had your eyes closed, but had everybody in awe when you opened them. We didn't go for runs when I took you outside, you skipped on the sidewalk and had the wind pressed against your eye lids that made you squint as we walked. You were my very first child. I'm sorry for not being a perfect parent. I'm sorry for not being the best at times. But thank you for loving me anyways. Thank you for always choosing me when you could. Thank you for always being such a good girl. We both weren't perfect, but I didn't ask for perfect when I chose to be your guardian. I asked for a beating heart to love me and you loved me with every heartbeat you took, every lick you could to my skin until it spelled out I love you, and every deep glare at me when I kept petting you. You were more than a dog to me. You were my furry daughter, a piece of my heart, and forever my silly little dog.

A decade of friendship. A decade of life with you. A decade of friendship, heartbreak, love, whatever. The girl on the podium, with a deck on hand she spun me around. Or at least you did. Never had the opportunity to close that door/chapter. A rendezvous point was made, so I took the road to the destination, and you left me alone on top of that hill. The worse part wasn't that you left me alone with my thoughts. Maybe I'm to blame for expecting too much. Maybe I'm to blame for not expecting enough. Whatever the case may be, I don't have animosity towards you, for my heart still has a soft spot for you. However, I am disappointed that as the lights on the stage gets brighter, the darker I am in your shadow. So let me support you from the side as a stranger in the crowd, because it hurts less when I'm ignorant in your life vs taking care of you.

P.S. Your birth stone is beautiful... Citrine. Represents Protection, Positivity and Joy. Everything you were. Now its with me. And you will be with me forever.

A note to my family wondering why I never speak up: here’s why now.

But forever in my heart, they were my way home.

When I was younger I told my mom what I wanted to be. A firefighter, a police man, a micro biologist, and the man who would find the cure to her cancer. Fast forward, the sentiment stays the same, but not the title. I was born with the eyes of my mother, but I lack the drive to fulfill everything I promised her. What is life without purpose? Religion without belief? Love without action? I would stretch the earth to expand its health if it meant finding the answer to the one question I never convinced myself to find. What is my purpose on this earth?

I saw your face and it brightened my screen on my phone. I don't remember finding someone who can do that. Not gonna hold my breath because the love story ended with our last chapter. But you know how to play with my heartstring like a harp. Maybe I'm going through the notion of missing what we had more than who we are now. But if God ever gave me another chance, I wouldn't be afraid to bite the bullet. By the shore, maybe she'll be there.

A garden with a flower I was willing to pick up. The smell of roses took over my senses and she was all I ever wanted to cherish. Thorns worth getting a cut for, but I was never hers to begin with. Just a gardener in her ever growing yard. Helped her find out what made her roots plant firmly into the soil. But once the water wasn't enough, she decided I was a checkpoint, not her destination.

She was the drink that I suddenly craved during the hours nobody sees. Was it fun? I hope it was. Because regardless of how the ship sank, the journey across her body of water was worth drowning in. I can't say my sorry as I value her choices and how things came to be. But I pray that her heart is still safe. I can't hate her, will I ever? Probably not. But I know where I have to go. and as I let God integrate and gave in to her, I also know us intertwining was never meant to be permanent. Read the fine print, not every I love you ends with a I love you too. But God knows I'd like one last taste. I just didn't think the last time I sipped, would be sooner rather than later. Take care my Olipop.

My mind wanders as I think about you. My mind wonders if you still think about me. I've been engulfed by our memories and it burns my heart. I want to break our agreement if it means I get to hear your voice again. Is it selfish to want you? Probably, because I always desired to put your emotions first. Maybe it's unfair for my heart but your best interest is more important than my petty feelings. My heart desires you but my mind desires your glow more. I knew our time was gonna be short and denial is a body of water I kept drowning in.. That is until I finally lost you. Now I wish I had more time with you. I wish your memories and mementos wasn't the only thing I have left of you. These are the words that will be left with ink stained tears, but never escaping my mouth to disturb the path we both decided to take. I do hope I cross your mind though so at least I know the feelings were real. Because it's not the feelings I'm afraid of watching fade. It's the reality that I was never enough.