𝐮𝐧𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐦𝐲 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭.

     in the stupidity of his example, hannah found comfort. a comfort she hadn’t known herself capable of until now. abel was a safe place. a place hannah could crawl into and keep warm. a place to house her when times got tough… a place she could call home. that in itself was what was so terrifying about it all. depending on someone like this while knowing at any minute they could walk away. .  it was something it seemed only fools would do. someone as logical and level headed as hannah should have known to head for the hills… and yet, all she wanted was to further burrow herself into him. “you’re dumb.” a throw away insult, surely, but it was enough to bring her gaze back to him. if the house his company had made would comr crashing down on her  than so be it. “but i like it.”

      hannah hadn’t wanted to cry and that was evident in the way she pushed at her cheeks, forcing the tears back into her hairline. “i’m not.” she lied, sniffling as the back of her hand patted at the dampened area beneath her eye. admitting her fear seemed more detrimental than the fear itself. opening up, really bearing her soul seemed like something so terrifying. growing up, hannah had learned to keep any negativities to herself. it was easy to remain in good graces when she seemed perfect. it was a role her brother had fit into so easily but one she had struggled to mold into. “i’m just - “ but the words didn’t come, instead she shrugged, pulling her saddened gaze from his eyes to rest on her hands now in her lap. despite the feeling like she would choke on such an admission, she willed the words to claw up her throat, pry open her teeth and slip past her lips. “i’m just scared is all.” it felt foreign. someone with such a confidence, such a normalcy shouldn’t have been so emotionally stunted in this way. “its - its dumb.”

     hannah was happy to drop the subject, though she wasn’t so keen on dropping her suspicion on leo’s intent for abel . . nor would she be willing to let it go so openly now as they had both divulged their own feelings for one another. for the moment she would allow herself to be distracted by abel’s beauty. “looking at you.” she whispered after a brief pause, a soft and almost sad smile pulling at the corners of her lips. it was with the realization that pain was inevitable that her chin muscles tightened along with her forehead, chin quivering as she gazed over his face. the last thing hannah had wanted in this moment was to cry and yet, against her own will, tears had began to cover the curved surface of her green eyes. “you’re so handsome.” it was an attempt to pull attention from her hyper sensitive state, one she swore was failing. 

     the fact that he couldn’t see it made hannah question whether he wanted to. “i like to think sometimes what people show you is the truth…” she spoke decidedly, as if that was the best way to approach it. hannah didn’t want to ruin his idea of her… didn’t want to cast a shadow on someone who shined so bright to him despite the fact that she hated her… despite the fact that hannah saw exactly the sort of person she was. “and sometimes, you just gotta believe that truth, y’know? don’t question it.” her hands moved then to cradle both side of his jaw, thumbs softly rubbing at his cheeks while she pulled back to get a better look at him. 

     the idea of admitting she was threatened by leo had hannah’s stomach in disgusted knots… the fact of the matter was it really had nothing to do with leo and everything to do with abel. she didn’t want someone like leo to hold his attentions. he was pure. . as pure as they came and to be tainted by someone so. .  horrid just didn’t seem right. hannah wanted to be the one to taint him. it was pure selfishness at the end of the day. “i just didn’t want to see her all over you.” which wasn’t a lie. hannah had just chose to leave out the part where she swore the girl would make eye contact with her as she whispered in his ear or ran her fingers through his hair. had the other wanted to make her jealous it had surely worked. 

      maybe some parts of it had been too much. abel didn’t really know leo, and he couldn’t make any honest assumptions about her character, but no part of it had seemed malicious to him. she’d invited them all to a show and to hangout backstage afterwards, and though there might have been a bit of innocent sparkling from abel’s eyes, it had all came off as a sincere outreach to fans. maybe even something she did every couple of city stops, for the sake of seeming personable without splashing herself all over magazine covers. whatever the reason, again, had he known it would have made hannah the least bit uncomfortable, he wouldn’t have been so quick to say yes. 

     while in some ways it was relieving, it was more so daunting. with this came the possibility of their ending. with this came the inevitability that she would lose him in all aspects. one day their relationship would simply cease to exist in all facets and that was an ending hannah wasn’t sure she would weather well if at all. “but i really hate that girl…” she mumbled against his lips before she was laughing at her own stereotypical behavior, the phrase ‘i’m not like other girls’ coming back to haunt her. gently, hwr arms snaked up and around his neck, willing him to stay here in this position for as long as possible. “like, stupid hate her.”

      hannah hadn’t intended for this moment to pivot into something more physical. she had only hoped that her kiss could offer him the answers he needed that she couldn’t bring herself to speak out loud just yet. but it seemed they had always communicated well on a more primal level and that was reiterated in the language his lips burned into her cheeks and the psalms his thumbs carved into her hips. another dense breath pushed passed her lips, forehead to forehead as she willed herself to speak once more. “i mean it.” the words were whispered, barely there attempts at proving the intent of the words she had spoken before. “i love you, abel. i do.” a soft breath of a laugh followed, head lolling against his own before settling again in the center of his forehead. “i really fucking do.”

     the uncertainty was a migraine of itself. abel could vividly remember the last time he’d told someone he had feelings for them, how quickly it had catapulted into responsibility and an overabundance of affection and how ultimately it had deteriorated into less than ruins of a long-forgotten civilization. and though he knew there was a good chance, a practical probability that he and hannah would do the same, abel was currently selfish enough to disregard it. because the warmth that spread from the center of his chest through the rest of his torso like a heat stroke was somehow comforting because it stemmed from her i love you and her laugh was an anchor that plummeted him to the bottom of the ocean but it was mindlessly addicting. it was a rarity for abel to take the positive from systematically horrible scenarios, and he didn’t want to feel anything but so right now. 

     hannah had been under the impression that all she would have to do is speak it and it would be understood and accepted. but it seemed she was up to her shoulders in a pool of vulnerability and she would be forced under. “yeah.” she nodded in agreement, swallowing thickly on the fear lodged at the base of her throat. he had reciprocated and while that should have eased her already weary soul it only caused it to grow more so. there was a safety in being alone. .  she had been alone most of her adult life. single wasn’t scary or hard… love was. the only drawback being the inevitable heartache. 

      pink walls. her whole life she had been surrounded by pink walls. a safety net, a familiarity that swore protection. .  and now she enveloped by hazel and it was terrifying in ways the brunette couldn’t truly even begin to understand. she instead found solace in the one place she had known it since pink walls had been replaced. .  abel’s arms. in one swift motion, her lips were pressed softly to his, tear streaked cheeks pressed against the homelike scruff of his own. the kiss, though brief, spoke to everything she couldn‘t bring herself to say, a silent speech she hoped he would breathe in and hold in his lungs for as long as he could. 

     his words felt like a slap to the face, her entire body now riddled with doubt. only seconds prior she had been sure that she had to tell him and now she was second guessing everything, including them. hannah opened her mouth to speak, a moments hesitation allowing him to speak again before she could. it was a hesitation she would have thanked god for had she been sure he even existed. this was the sign she had needed, a definitive, blaring, neon sign telling her to continue, telling her to just fucking tell him already. for too long, she had allowed herself to sit on the sidelines, had been complacent in the casual relationship they had… if there was one thing leo had been good for it was proving once and for all that what she felt for abel was something more weighted than sex and a good laugh. 

     three breaths entered and exited her lungs as she gathered the confidence to continue, her body snaking off the bed and to the floor. it was there that she mirrored his stance, her hands instead pressed against her thighs as she began to speak. “i don’t want to lose you either.” she spoke first, a subtle step into unknown and untraveled waters. “and the only thing i want is you.” for a moment she had sworn she hadn’t spoke it, swore the words hadn’t left her lips and instead were spoken by some ominous narrator in a woody allen film. trembling lips, however, proved otherwise. “i - i hate being in a room with you and not being able to touch you and i hate watching someone who doesn’t deserve you touch you… someone who doesnt love you -” hannah inhaled deeply then, readying her admission to be spoken into the stale air of her room. “… like i do.”

     silence had never felt so heavy. he had tried to look anywhere besides her, in case his mind played tricks on him and had her feeling ten thousand steps away. but hazel eyes found her as soon as her first breath exhaled, stayed through the first couple of words that his head had to sprout awake and sober for in order to be certain he’d heard her right. ( it hadn’t been until that very moment abel was sure that one episode of spongebob’s headspace was undoubtedly accurate. ) an anxious shiver ran down his spine, too much practice keeping the rest of his body from trembling alongside it. the problem with talking about feelings was readability ; abel was the ultimate failure when it came to applying context clues and though everything she said felt to not have a secondary meaning, his head had already begun picking apart each sentence into incoherent fragments. 

     the house was empty and for a moment hannah had to consider if that was a metaphor for their friendship now. it had once been filled with laughter and joy and far too much sex and now it seemed…  empty. was that a sign it was time to move on? maybe a transitional phase or something like that. hannah couldn’t bear the thought of it, not now and probably not ever. “i’m sorry.” she parroted, eyes rolling up his torso to settle on his face. the truth of the matter was she was scared, more scared than she had ever been. as a child she had considered herself fearless and in most aspects she was. public speaking? easy. sky diving? exhilarating. admitting your feelings, putting yourself out there for possible rejection? terrifying, numbingly so. 

     she watched as he tossed her shoes aside, her body practically in a slump as she sat before him on the bed. it was like watching it fall apart before her very eyes, watching it all slip away. the foundation of their friendship was rotting and all thanks to her inability to just be honest. it was then that she closed her eyes, swallowing heavily on the lump that was in her throat before she was willing the words that she had kept buried so long up and out of her mouth. “i - “ she began but failed in continuing. if there was ever a time to be riddled with blind confidence it was now. “i, i want to be honest with you, abel. i need to or i swear to god i feel like i’m going to choke.”

    “ you don’t have to, ” exited instead of the please don’t that had been on the tip of his tongue. tears that had no right to exist pressed firm at the base of his throat, cluttering into a ball that made it hard for abel to breath soundlessly. he leaned back with palms to the ground, hoping the usually lax position would give him some false confidence to move past the worries that fabricated in the back of his mind. what all was there to worry about, truthfully? at the base of it, they were friends that got high and had sex and for abel to have let himself believe it could transition into anything more than a stream of good times to pass the overdone, college frat parties was foolish.