Remix

To live is to be in pain… Akutagawa turned that thought over in his mind. There was always pain, living inside of him and following him like a shadow. His chest ached, his back ached, his jaw ached, his soul ached (could he say he had a soul? Do not conceive of such indulgences. You are a devil, a useless dog).

Useless, useless, useless, useless-

He tensed when Atsushi’s soft breath tickled his forehead, the sensation wrenching him from his thoughts. The weretiger’s heart beat steadily under his ear and the only light was the dim glow of the moon that managed to creep through the cracks of the door. Akutagawa was lying with Atsushi in the closet Atsushi slept in at the Agency, a risky move that was only possible because Kyouka was away for the moment.

Kyouka. Absence.

Pain.

Yes, there was always pain, but even pain had a hierarchy. He could handle physical ailments: the twinge of a muscle, the rawness of his lungs, the burn of hunger settling behind his sternum. But the other pain —the echoing, soul-deep, internal pain— was too much to bear (Dazai-san hates pain, useless, useless).

Atsushi’s fingers brushed between Akutagawa’s shoulder blades on the way to cradle his head more firmly as Atsushi held him tighter, turning them both onto their sides. Insolent weretiger. Akutagawa couldn’t tell if Atsushi was asleep or not, but he was too bone-deep weary to check. He was numb to the warmth between them and the darkness curled around them like a fog, seeping into Akutagawa’s senses as his mind churned.

Useless dog. Could you even defend yourself like this? Why are you resting? You’ll never be strong, you’ll never be good enough, and now you’re laying down like you’ve earned peace, you lazy, worthless hound. Get up, get up, get up-

“You’re going to bruise my side,” Atsushi mumbled groggily against Akutagawa’s head, breaking through the fog for a moment. Akutagawa hadn’t realized that he was squeezing Atsushi’s hip, but when he relaxed his hand slightly, he could feel the coolness of the air against the sweat on his palm. His own?

“You are weak if you bruise so easily, Jinko,” he grumbled, but moved his hand to Atsushi’s lower back instead.

“I don’t bruise easily.”

“It was insinuated.”

“Because you were-“ Atsushi sighed heavily and then whispered. “Nevermind. What’s going on?”

Useless. Pathetic. Worthless.

Atsushi’s eyes met Akutagawa’s in the dark. The half baked reassurances died on Akutagawa’s lips as he was acutely aware of the way he was so vulnerable in the weretiger’s grip.

Get up, get up, get up-

“I need to leave,” Akutagawa said firmly, propping himself up to try to will his body to move. Atsushi raised his eyebrows.

“I thought you said you didn’t have to be anywhere tonight.”

“I did say that, but I will not be made to look weak,” Akutagawa said gruffly, sitting up. The weretiger’s arms stayed stubbornly around his waist as he sat up with him.

“Why would you look weak?”

Don’t rest, you’re pathetic. You’re worthless.

“Don’t be dense. It’s a clear sign of weakness to be laying in a closet and… cuddled,” Akutagwa answered, coming out with a sharpness that landed like an insult. Atsushi’s grip loosened slightly, but instead of allowing Akutagawa to move away, Atsushi leaned in and headbutt his shoulder.

“I don’t think you look weak, and I’m the only one looking at you right now,” he murmured, looking up at Akutagawa. Akutagawa scoffed.

“I am aware of that, Jinko.”

Get out of there. Leave. You are a fool if you think-

Atsushi suddenly pressed closer. The feeling of his nose against Akutagawa’s collarbone was like a jumper cable had been hooked to his spine: tingles burst through his whole body in an instant, making him aware of every atom of distance between their skin. It was all he could do to keep his breathing steady-

An ache in the lungs-

as the weretiger traced his nose over Akutagawa’s shoulder, coming to rest with his lips against his neck, whispering against his skin, almost pleading.

“Then stay here. You can leave before sunrise, it doesn’t matter. But let me keep you for the night, no one will know.”

Akutagawa’s cheeks flushed with heat. His tone was so soft, so reassuring, that the idea of leaving suddenly made his limbs feel heavy. I can’t leave. He covered his mouth with his hand, his breath scraping his throat raw as the sensation of Atsushi’s breath fanning over his skin set every nerve in his body on fire. Yes, they had been tangled together only a few seconds before, but he wasn’t fully aware of how their bodies connected until this moment.

It’s like pain. It’s like pain, ripping his mind away from itself. Pain drowning out his thoughts. But it’s not pain… it’s pleasure. Pleasure is like pain. The weretiger is making pleasure like pain. Could this follow him?

“…Jinko.”

“Hmm? What is it?”

Please be my shadow. Be my pain and pleasure. Akutagawa swallowed hard and then pushed Atsushi back a little with a hand on his chest before settling down beside him again.

“If anyone else hears of this I will personally gut you with Rashomon.”

“Akutagawa!” Atsushi huffed. “I thought we were having a moment.”

“We are. Now be quiet… and don’t you dare move away.”

Atsushi rolled his eyes, something Akutagawa could barely see in the dark, but wasted no time in settling against Akutagawa’s side again. He squeezed tight for a moment before intentionally lining his breaths up with Akutagawa’s, placing a hand over Akutagawa’s heart.

“It’s just us. Nobody more,” Atsushi said. They met eyes. The pain unraveled a little and Akutagawa felt something close to peace.

“Good.”