ROUGH

y is my tumblr so fucked up lmaooo. find me at shellsea.o on ig idk

i want to love someone deeply. i want it to hurt. but then. idk. lately i think maybe thats a bad wish. why would i want it to hurt in the first place u know. i think i want to lose myself in someone but thats not right huh. thats not how you’re supposed to mature and grow and become a better person. how then. should i look for. something sweet. like milk and sugar - hold the coffee

lately ive been sad. sadder? who knows. its strange even saying that because lately - lately has been for a long time. dont get me wrong. i feel better than this time last year. last year, i felt empty and sad and lonely. idk there is this thing in my heart and its always longing. i tell it to shut up but it won’t listen. longing for what idk. love i guess. isn’t that the cliche. idk it just aches for something in the future 

can i find it in me to forgive you? like fully and truly? idk. im sure with time. but friends never stick around with me so probably won’t even have the time to forgive. idk. you know. alyson, you are the best friend i ever had. and it hurts bc i care about you more than you care about me. its not just you of course. usually with everyone i love - i love them more. not everyone, but most. im usually ohkay with it bc at least the friend or family member seems to care for me - at least on some level. but i feel starved for love. i want to be number 1, i want to be special. thats it. ngl don’t know what else to add. i wonder how long you and i will be friends. i feel lonely - colin said that i seem lonely. it hurts haha bc its true and apparently obvious. thats it

today i feel sad. lately, ive been thinking a lot about middle school. how i wanted to die. every day. i think about those people and think where are they now. lol selfish but i wonder if they ever think about me. probably pity me at best. how gross. do i forgive them? ngl i usually have no explicit thoughts - guess im trying to forget. but lately ive been reflecting a lot. and i think wounds are reopening just a bit. so no. at least, today, no. i hate them all. i wonder a lot what i could have done different. fought for myself. idk. it feels like it happened to a different person ngl. but when i think about it it hurts - so i know it happened to me

ill be 23 in march. wow to be honest I never thought id be so lucky 

look at your life through heavens eyes. ok ill try 

I realize this moment will pass like it always does. but I want to be happy. that’s my goal 

yall im crazy. hm imma give me a 5/10 in health gooooooooooo

yes yes I agree with myself from way back home. these posts are always interesting. tho I usually write them when I'm sad. so also makes me a bit sad. but also very interesting. read one where I said I was in love with someone. that’s very surprising to me, even tho it shouldn’t. I 100% remember telling many people that I was in love with that person. but I’m pretty sure I was wrong. I really forgot I felt so strongly. sure, like, but love??? oh well

an abandonment problem. I've been accused of having one. who knows. I guess I probably do. I'm just not sure of the source. I don’t feel like I've been abandoned. maybe a bit. but nothing stands out. I guess if I think of details, actions, words. I can find something there. the thing is that I know I'm not anyone’s first priority. I guess my parents’ but. but others, my friends. no there’s no one. to think of it I don’t know why I put so much value on friendship. since I'm really bad at keeping friends. maybe because some of them really ran deep. they were impactful for the time we spent together. I remember since I was a kid, I've never been first. hmm honestly this sounds like such childish thinking. but I'll continue. the best I could hope for was 2nd. anything is better than last. I think that a part of me thought that if sure I wasn’t 1st but I was always there then maybe I had kind of like a different value. like maybe in a way I could always be counted on. maybe not 1st but most trusted or most loyal. probably loyal. you know loyalty is my biggest value. I don’t really know why but it’s probably related to the friendship thing. I'm not stupid enough to put the blame of my ending friendships entirely on the other people. no that’s definitely not it. maybe I want someone who would fight for us? maybe I just feel forgotten. in some ways it’s not even forgotten it’s just like you’re not 1st and that’s it. I've been thinking a lot about forgiveness lately. I don’t know if I can do it even if I want to, even if I say I forgive them. hmm kind of like the sex thing. like I want to have sex, I say I do, I think I do, but it hurts, I can’t do it. I want to. I really do. but I can’t forgive. it’s not like I really hate those people anymore. maybe just a drop but nothing like before. so is forgiveness when you stop actively hating someone? forgive but don’t forget. she told me yesterday. I don’t really know how to do that with my friend. I feel like I have kind of forgiven her but I don’t want to see her because I know she will hurt me. ha if I'm being honest I just don’t want to be forgotten again. I still love her I think. that’s another complicated emotion. but I don’t really want to see her or be around her. because lately any interaction that we have makes me sad. it’s kind of like that saying. probably not the best analogy. but you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. like ok yes. if I don’t try to reach out or reestablish our relationship then it is absolutely never going to happen. but what about the shots that you do take. like if you take no shots then you will absolutely not get hurt. take a shot and sure it might hit the target but it might also hit you. 

I don’t feel like myself. I'm by myself a lot. haven’t been this alone in years. I wonder what's worse. being alone plain and simple. or being alone while surrounded. nah now that’s simple. it’s the second. I've felt that before. nah that’s like dying. no this. hmm. I haven’t been like this in a while. but I can’t remember the last time. oh maybe during winters when everyone’s gone. yeah I think that’s it. but it was different then because I knew that it would end. right now. it will end but I don’t know when. being alone. wow I hate it. but im starting to weirdly get comfortable with it. sucks

lately lately lately I've been feeling like a shadow of myself. ugh I hate writing sad shit bc everyone’s sad I guess. but damn lmao I haven’t felt this way in a mad while. nah it could be worse. a lot worse. at least right now I'm some kinda free. like fuck im like acting like I think I used to act. I miss the laughs. always. fuck me man. I don’t know. I act the victim a lot - I know that.but damn I just really wish someone would save me. if I were not me I would tell myself bitch get it the fuck together no one is coming to save you, you gotta do that shit yourself. my coworker knows some of my issues. she said something like hope is not all lost look you’re still alive. haha was funny. mm yeah. I want to be alive. that’s why I think I'm still floating. if I ever start thinking that I want to die - like seriously - then well then we’ll have a problem. haha mm yeah I miss how I used to be. getting laughs from people is the best

lately I've been feeling very scared. I don’t know how to proceed. I feel sad. hopeless. idk. what does it mean to be strong. I want to be strong. I used to think it was following your dreams, passion, whatever. I don’t know. to be honest. a part of me thinks I used to be strong. in a weird way. I fought to almost death haha for my dreams. and I lived it. it was great. but now I'm discouraged. I want to be strong again.