Relate with Relations

This was my first trip in September. 

Cadiz is a beautiful, small town on the coast of Andalucia. It is full of history and beauty, and now amazing memories with my friends.

This past weekend I had to whip together a paper to complete my study abroad credit required for my major. Essentially they want Global Studies students to explain how studying abroad being required for our major helps us in the long run.

The main prompts were :

How and why did you choose your program location?

Did you also complete your Global Studies internship while you were studying abroad?

Please review your study abroad learning goals with me. To what extent did you manage to achieve these goals?

What were some strategies that you used to adjust to the culture of [study abroad host country]? Did you find that you had to adapt or develop new skills in your academic, personal, or professional life?

Do you have any advice for other students preparing to study abroad?

Now that you have returned, what do you want to do with the experiences you had while studying abroad? Has studying abroad changed your personal worldview

I realized while writing this paper, 2 hours after it was due, that there were two points missing. The first being honesty, because there’s a lot of things that I left out due to this being an academic paper. The second is that it was impersonal to my journey abroad. I realized that I often talk about “being gone” but the average person has no idea where I went. So for post 3 I guess it’s time to start over, and be honest. This is going to broken up into a summary of what I was doing abroad and then my most asked questions.

Summary

Between June 2018 through December 2018 I was gifted with the opportunity to work and study in the beautiful country of Spain. And when I say gifted, I mean I worked my actual butt off and had about 32 mental breakdowns to go to Spain. I find the idea that I have to grateful for some “divine right” of being given a visa kind of ridiculous. As I was the one that found the job and school program. I was also the one that filled out all the paper work, found my apartment, and acheived the required grades and work experience. But I guess I was lucky my plane didn’t crash and I made it there so I’m blessed but I digress. I spent the first 3 months in the hustle and bustle of Madrid which I followed with 4 months in the serenity of Sevilla.

As a quick over view, I had 5 main goals while working and, eventually, studying abroad:

Learning general business management skills

Gain experience in online marketing

Gain experience working with multicultural clients and leads

Develop an understanding of Spanish business culture and operational practices

Further develop language skills - specifically by working and living in Spanish

More or less I was able to achieve these goals by doing the simple thing of showing up. I went to work every day and put myself out there to meet new people. My boss allowed me to work on a case load basis. This meant my schedule depended on how efficiently I worked. This is the best type of work for me because I like to power through a few days with long hours and then have more time free. I’m, by nature, an efficient person and prefer to work smarter not harder. Along with that being able to work with a small start-up meant that I was very hands on within the company from day one. I was able to build and execute full campaigns and services while most interns got coffee. This made my experience unique and I enjoyed every minute. I had a lot of very different and amazing days at work. My most memorable day was when we got to visit the headquarters for Santander. If you’ve spent any time with me in person I’ve probably mentioned this HQ many times. It is a whole self sustaining ecosystem within the name of headquarters. There was a hotel for guests, a water park, soccer stadium, golf course, full conference center, and loads of self sustaining buildings for the workers. Honestly, I’m awestruck thinking about it.

After my whirlwind summer in Madrid I moved to Sevilla, which is in the southern-most autonomous community of Spain. Ill plop a map below to show where I lived and I’ll star other places I’ve been to or visited. Sevilla is the hottest city in Europe and did not let down on this claim. I would say nearly the entirety of the first month or so maintained a steady 100 degrees. This was one of the reasons I actually chose Sevilla when looking for a place to study. I was taking 3 classes at El Universidad de Pablo de Olavide and 2 courses within my program house at CEA. IT was pretty cool being able to go to school with actual Spaniards. My only complaint being I never actually interacted with them. The greatest downfall of this trip is that my university went to great lengths to alienate the Americans from other students. I don’t know why they did this, but had I known I would’ve gone to the other university option.

In reality, Sevilla wasn’t my favorite place on earth. It wasn’t anything against the city in general, because it was beautiful and the people were kind. I’m a city girl deep down and 200k people isn’t enough for me, especially after being in a place as big as Madrid beforehand. But the biggest experience in Sevilla was actually how often I left. In my time abroad I visited 9 other countries besides Spain and 7 other cities in Spain. I was bouncing around almost every single weekend of my time studying. It was tiring and by the end I was so sick that one of my first visits once back in the USA was Urgent Care. I know, poor me getting sick because I went to too many countries. It is something to consider though. The human body isn't made to be on a plane 3 out of 7 days a week for 4 months straight. I hit most of the continent and one country in Africa so I’m 4 continents down and 3 to go (I think I see Asia in my near future). I know I would’ve enjoyed Sevilla more had I given it the chance, but I didn’t have the time. There's also the chance had I done the reverse order of trips I would've liked Sevilla more. It also would've meant my entire experience would be different. I needed to be in the places I was at the times I was there because that’s what was written for me. Someday I’ll be back Sevilla, I promise. NODO is written on my heart forever.

Questions

How did I choose Spain?

It was pretty simple to be honest. I knew that I wanted to go to Europe because one of the biggest points to studying abroad is that ability to travel while abroad. By choosing Europe I would have that opportunity because traveling is cheap and every country is so different. I also knew that I wanted to study in a country where I could practice my second language skills. Once I decided Spain was where I wanted to go, I needed to find which city in Spain I wanted to go to. There were four options for Spain through my business program: Madrid, Barcelona, Sevilla, or Granada. I knew that I didn’t want to go to Madrid or Barcelona because I had already lived there at some point. This made the final two choices either Sevilla or Granada. Really the deciding factor was that Sevilla offered an excursion to Morocco. Having that extra excursion was so enticing I couldn’t miss the opportunity to say I was in Africa.

How did you adjust? / Weren’t you nervous about being alone?

These two question kind of tie hand in hand. I believe this because no matter how a person words these two questions what they’re trying to say is “I’m too scared to do this so why are you different?”. A few years ago I was listening to a Simon Sinek talk about performance under pressure (I’ll link it below). He made an interesting point to how every Olympic athlete is asked whether they were nervous. What's interesting is that they all say “no I’m excited”. The human’s reaction to the fear and excitement is exactly the same and it’s all in how you interpret them. I have been working ever since hearing that to tell myself that "no I’m excited" when I start to feel fear bubble up. But if that doesn’t work, I say ‘ok I’m scared’ and then I do it anyway. Everyone fears the unknown, but great adventurer embrace that and go anyway. I want to be a great adventurer so I venture on.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GBF9xXhSFRc

Second, my lack of fear about moving far away is a direct correspondence to how my parents raised me. When my mom was 18 years old, she packed up all her stuff and moved 2,930 miles to Milwaukee, Wisconsin from Honduras. Then many summers later, my parents packed up all my stuff and shipped my brother and I 2930 miles back to Honduras. We weren’t raised to be afraid of not being home. Home is where I am. This mind set means I’m pretty much comfortable wherever my feet land. I know that if I am comfortable with myself, I will be safe in my environment. That is something I thank my parents for instilling in me everyday.

Now when it comes to adjusting, everyone handles it different. Most people in my program were very into the “I’m an American, and if you dont like it you can get out…oh wait…well yeehaw anyway”. That’s not my style. I try to completely immerse myself wherever I am. Even if it was for a weekend. I did have the advantage that I had already lived in Spain 2 years prior as an Au pair. I had a general idea of what everything was going to be like and was already used to the culture. But I had the MAJOR advantage of, for the first time in my life, I looked like the people I was surrounded by. I didn’t stick out as someone who was super different once I got over the different style choices. I mainly had to worry about adapting in my personal and professional life. The relationships in Spain between people are different, more personal, and it is very easy to know a lot about the people you surround yourself with. Even at work, I knew my superiors in a more informal life than I would ever know an American boss. Friends and family often live close to each other so it’s common to see them a few times a week as opposed to a few times a month. Personal space doesn’t exist in Spain. In both the literal fact that Spaniards are always touching each other. But also in the fact that they know a lot about the people they associate with. I had to work hard to break out of my shell in order to assimilate to their close knit society.

My second way of adjusting was that during my time in Madrid, I had 0 American friends. If I even heard an American accent I would turn the other way and walk out. It sounds harsh but it’s true. If you want to assimilate to a new society you can’t be by the norms of your own. My two closest friends spoke English fluently, but most of the other people in my life spoke English as a second language or not at all. You are forced to adjust when you aren’t given a choice. Advice my mom gave me once was, “go on lots of dates, but dont date anyone”. It sounds weird but that was super helpful. I’m not ashamed to admit I went on dates during my time abroad, and it was never with Americans. There is no better time to practice your second language than when you’re trying to impress someone. The most important part of a relationship is communication so I had to be on my toes. I was also able to see what dating culture was like in another country, which is super fascinating. Interacting with only Spaniards and a few other people from other European cultures also made me a better person. It helped me see how others viewed America and why. Many times I was able to dispel stereotypes or rumors, but sometimes I had to face the fact oh wait that is true. It’s not always fun, but I do know I’m more aware of my actions now because of it.

Finally, if you want to adjust somewhere new, do some research! I watched so many kids in my program struggle with simple things that could be solved by typing ‘Spain’ into google. I did some research before moving to Madrid and Sevilla about what the culture was like there. I tried to adjust myself to their eating style and life time tables prior to moving. It's the smallest things that make the biggest impact. Already adjusting to things like eating at 10pm meant that it was easier for me to meet people right away.

What advice do I have?

I get asked a lot if I have advice for people interested in traveling or studying abroad. It’s a weird question because I definitely do, but it’s not like you’re actually going to listen. My biggest advice is that if you’re going to do anything in life be all in. Don’t go abroad to hang out with American’s every day and do everything you do in the USA, that’s a waste of your time and money. It’s also disrespectful to the people you’re living around. I will never understand the people that never even tried to make Spanish friends or do anything within Spanish culture. Why did you even come?

My second piece of advice is fall in love. No, I don’t mean with your soulmate and get married type of fall in love. I mean fall in love with where you are and where you live. Fall in love with the nuances of everything surrounding you. Fall in love with who you were yesterday, who you are now, and who you will be tomorrow. Fall in love with the friends that come into your life and why they’re important. Fall in love with the fact you aren't home. Fall in love with fear. If you want a great experience you have to strive for it. You have to know that not every day is going to be sunshine and rainbows and love that.

Finally, be knowledgable. The saying goes “no one likes a know-it-all”, but I’m suspicious of how many people enjoy incompetence too much. Being knowledgable about something isn’t lame or weird. It’s actually helpful and I hate this stigma of “oh I’ll wing it”. You waste a lot of time and energy doing that when simple preparation could’ve been done. The amount of times I seemed like a PhD historian because I had bothered to look up what a castle was or where a good place to eat was is unbelievable. I’m not crazy smart, and I dont have a photographic memory. I have access to a smartphone and use it to be smart. Shocking. So be intelligent. Look things up. Know what’s going on even if it’s the basics. I rather be a know it all that understands my surroundings than someone who has to rely on others. You need to learn how to survive on your own if you want to be an adult. Google is an amazing service you can use. Be open to learning new thing and meeting new people. It’s okay to think something is better somewhere else besides the usa. It doesn’t make you unpatriotic, it actually makes you a better citizen.

Enjoy this pic of my amazing roommates: 

Dear 16 year old Eliza,

I wish you could read this letter. I wish that you knew the pain I’m feeling for you because I know that it’s there deep inside. I know you struggle with a lot of things inside, that no one ever sees. I know that your heart is being ripped apart by people who are supposed to love you and protect you. I also know you feel guilty that this pain hurts so bad when your life is so “perfect”. With your perfect family, perfect friends, perfect grades, perfect goals, everything is just so fucking perfect. 

I’m not here to tell you everything is going to get better soon, because it’s not. It’s hard to believe but you’re far from rock bottom. Everything that is crumbling right now ends up collapsing. Your rock, that is so intertwined in your heart that it feels you feel what they feel, they leave. Your sibling, who you have grown to love, they leave. That burning fire in your stomach to be the very best at everything even if it kills you, well it kills you. And that fleeting dream that you’ll prove everyone wrong even though you might get broken in the process, well it breaks you. Notre dame? you dont get in. Love? ha. Every single thing you think could not get worse right now, does. Every single thing you think could not go wrong, does. Like I said, you are far from rock bottom. 

The thing is, my sweet young Eliza, you hit rock bottom fucking hard but you live. You survive. You get ripped to shreds again and again… and again. But after awhile, you stop taking pain and turning it to something destructive. Instead, you choose to turn it into something constructive. You stop hating the world and everything it has done to you, and you start seeing all it has done for you. I’m not going to pretend like life turns into sunshine and daisies because it doesn’t. I know you’ve read 300 of these “letters to my younger self” and always scoff at their happy-go-lucky outlook. It’s unrealistic and almost more sad. Your cynical and sarcastic outlook to life doesn’t change, which is good because it helps protect you. Your very strong walls protect the fragile girl inside. That is ok. You’ll be ok. 

My advice for you is to listen to the advice given to you. Allow people in, even when it’s terrifying. Do this no matter how much it ends up hurting. The scars of your past become beautiful tattoos of your future. You are a single person in a large universe and do not need to hold the weight of it on your shoulders. Remember to breathe sometimes. Remember to sleep sometimes. The fear of missing out is a far better feeling than pure exhaustion. You hold the torch to your life, don’t burn the midnight oil on people that don’t matter. There are people in this world that will never give you what you give them, take that with a grain of salt. It’s ok to let people into your house of a soul and provide shelter from a storm, but don’t be afraid to kick them out when the sun is out again. Stop begrudging your family and friends for past events. Choosing to judge yourself for extensive periods of times is a choice you make, it doesn’t give you the right to judge others. Forgive them. Be better than them. Remember they are human. 

My advice for you is don’t be afraid to fall in love with all the wrong people. You’re going to get hurt. Like really,really,really bad. Like so bad, you’re going to cry yourself to sleep for many more months than you were with them. For a long time you will think love isn’t real and that it’s not possible. Don’t listen to that voice. Love isn’t who’s sleeping in your bed, it’s the people around you. You’re going to love a lot of people, and you're going to love a lot of the wrong people. Even writing this now I want to write RUN DONT TRUST THE SYSTEM but I know that’s not true. I know that me letting in people and getting hurt every once in awhile is part of me growing up and you need to learn that too. Not everyone is going to leave. Not everyone is going to hurt you. Let your walls be gates, they can keep some people out but also let them in. 

My advice for you is don’t be afraid to “break the plan”. To be honest, you have no idea what your plan is yet. You think you do, but you don’t. The plan now is to be free. Learn to do the things you love, and learn to love the things you hate. Stop being so picky about avocados, you actually like them. Stop being so afraid to make the leap, you end up loving it. Be honest with yourself, be honest with your parents, and be honest with your friends. They aren’t part of the plan, but they’re part of you. Your plan sucks, and is sad, and is boring. You’re not boring Eliza. You’re the opposite. Your life is full of wild twists and turns so enjoy the ride. Break the plan, and be free.

I wish I could write everything that’s going to happen to you. The good, bad, and ugly. But I cant, you need to learn these things on your own. You need to know that when you’re going through hell, keep going. You have not reached your destination yet, it’s a pitstop or pothole of the journey. Your story is not written, even I don’t know where we’re going yet. Stay motivated, and stay open. You’ll figure it out soon. 

Love, 

22 year old Eliza

Reverse Culture Shock Defined : the emotional and psychological distress suffered by some people when they return home after an extended time overseas. This can result in unexpected difficulty in readjusting to the culture and values of the home country, now that the previously familiar has become unfamiliar.

Let’s start by making it clear that, despite what people say, reverse culture shock is very real. People argue returning to a place called home is happiness and easy, but they have not spent much time away. Going to a new place you don’t know isn’t easy, it takes mental preparation and great planning for your body, soul, and mind. This preparation is essential for making a great transition into the new environment. Often times traveling for long periods abroad, the company, school, or whatever it might be helps with the transition and learning about this new culture. The problem is that upon return there is no retraining for what you’re going to enter. This training doesn’t exist because people say “home, sweet home” and high tail it back.

Reverse culture shock is inevitable. It happens to everyone, whether it’s a week away, a month, or a year. It’s only that the less time abroad, the less noticeable of a feeling it is and the shorter it lasts. Imagine being sick. If you go to the doctor when you first get the sniffles and have a head cold, they’ll give you medicine and send you on your way. Maybe one or two days later you’ll feel fine. But if you wait till you have a fever and can hardly move, you have to go to the hospital and get antibiotics. Then it might take a week or more before you feel normal. Travel does the same thing. If you go somewhere and immerse yourself for a week or even a month, coming home will feel weird. Your jet lagged, your eating is off, and you’re hyper aware of everything around you; but a few days later it's normal. Now image 6 months, 1 year, or several years. The change home takes time and effort, and an immune system you might not be prepared for. For 6 months there’s been a different eating schedule and menu, for 6 months it has been different customs and a different language, for 6 months it has been a whole new database of information that you’ve never experienced before. Then, in a blink of an eye, it’s gone. It’s back to “normal”. Whatever normal is.

I'd argue that people think that there is this “normal” that every society has and once you know a “normal”, you’ll never learn or understand a new one. But that’s not true. When I first moved to Spain, I never thought I’d be able to eat dinner at 10 pm and feel fine afterwards. But after a few days of going to bed hungry because restaurants weren’t open earlier, I figured it out. I never thought that I would become adjusted to greeting everyone I knew with 2 kisses. But after a few awkward hellos and good laughs with friends I became more at ease. Everything that once seemed so strange and different, became my every day life. The thing was, I didn’t know that I was changing. It wasn’t like one day I woke up and greeted everyone with 2 kisses, ate dinner at 10pm, or said joder like it was the word dude. These things happened gradual and over time because my idea of normal was changing. Humans have an innate need to fit in to their surroundings. It’s a survival technique. So we grow to acclimate and assimilate, especially when we’re alone. I was a single, 21 year old girl living in a city of 3.2 million people that I didn’t know and didn’t speak the language. I had to learn how to fit in to survive, and that’s what everyone does.

But coming home meant that I didn’t eat dinner late anymore and if I tried to kiss someone they might push me away. Coming home meant that people didn’t curse at work and friends went to each others houses instead of meeting at bars. Coming home meant that I didn’t understand normal. The realization that I was no longer normal where I considered home was even harder. Why? Because I knew I wasn’t normal when I went to Spain, I knew I would be different. Everyone always told me I wouldn’t be normal leaving the country. But no one ever told me that I wouldn’t be normal coming home. That I wouldn’t know even the simplest things like the coolest new tv show or how the weather had been. I had missed 7 months of jokes, politics, and pop culture; and all these little things together make up "normal". Being born in America doesn’t mean I innately understand every.single.detail. of how my life runs. These behaviors are learned and relearned over time. So when you leave them, it’s like missing class, you miss out. The USA wasn’t my security blanket of warmth and normalcy anymore. The USA was strange and different. Why did we do things this way? Why do people say that? How come it’s like that? These were questions constantly run through my head. Somehow everything in my home got flipped on it’s head and I realized there was no "normal", only me.

Reverse culture shock means becoming hypercritical of the place you once called home. Foods don’t taste the same. Words don’t sound the same. People don’t act the same. I began to notice the little nuances of things, and over analyze what they could mean. Social cues so obvious to me 10 months ago were complete mysteries. I couldn’t hear the difference in no, it’s fine and noooo it’s fineee. Spain is a direct country, full of “absolutes” and staring. I returned to innuendos, a country full of gray area and shifty gazes. Relating to people seemed impossible because they all had these experiences and training that I hadn't. I didn’t understand anymore. And them relating to me? Unlikely. I have to think before I speak now, I have to be aware of how close I am to people, I don’t have to worry about pickpockets. Culture isn’t a muscle memory that you snap back into after stretching out for a long time. It’s like a language, always evolving and changing and if you dont use it, you lose it. I have to reteach myself how to handle situations and how to address different moments in my life. This is what reverse culture shock does, it shakes you.