The Second Haven

I find myself in similar circumstances as a year ago. Crazy how you’ll find yourself almost stuck in the same spot a year later. Last year, I found myself stuck at home, with not much to do and alone with my thoughts. I just had come back from the Philippines, with my mom staying behind cause she arrived there later than me and wanted to spend time with family back home. I also had recently left my job of 4 years, as well as parted ways with my internship, so in every sense of the book I was feeling pretty miserable and locked away. I remember during my first week back, it was hell; the apartment was too quiet for comfort. Added to that, it was a blistering cold winter, so wanting to go out was not a great option. There was a time the internet went out, and so I was lying in bed around 3am, unable to sleep cause of jetlag, so here I was caught up in a metaphorical ice prison, unable to find an escape from the circumstances I was in. I prayed every day that things would get better and I’d find my way out.

Here we are, a year later; Mom’s in the Philippines, I’m again to my thoughts and by myself in our home. It’s quiet again, much like last year. Differences, however; I do have an internship with a colleague I met over the summer who’s running his own creative production group. I’m healthier and wiser for the wear, trying to develop some good habits by being consistent with them (I try to do cardio everyday and watch what I eat, so here’s hoping I start seeing some results in a month’s time or two). I’ve taken a fuck ton of pictures and video that can be added to clean up my portfolio (as supposed to years in the past where I took photos and video sparingly). I feel a lot more grown up, and more eager and determined to get my results.

Although, I suppose I still live in a bit of fear, really because of myself. Similar circumstances, yet very different. But I’m just worried. I don’t want to falter. I’ve grown and been through so much, but I can’t help but really feel some of my mistakes from the past, as a constant reminder of where I’m at and what I still need to do. I want to be back, better than before. There was a time last year I could say things, listen to people, and really understand them unerringly. I think the circumstances that occurred last semester really blinded me and cast a large sense of doubt in myself. It’s ultimately why I find myself here self-reflective and critical, and keeping my distance. And trying to keep my promises. I never quite liked it when my dad broke promises to me (no offense to him, I love him dearly and understand things better), and I have no intent to follow in his footsteps (God willing, please). It’s just so difficult and confusing though, I know I’m making the right and proper moves...

I just miss when I wasn’t stuck in foxholes like right now and last year. When I out of them, busy chasing the world, visiting different places, and escaping reality. Where I was in complete sync with the person next to me.

To the day I’m no longer ducking for cover, and when I can stand up when the storm is over. 

Hey! Yes you, Real.

If by chance you manage to come across this, which is a hell of a gamble, by now you’ve realized that I’ve put some time and distance between us on purpose. It’s not by any malice or ill intent that I do, but with the determination and conviction to do what’s right. And I’m taking the time I need to grow and do exactly what I promised to you so long ago. What I owe to myself since birth and want to accomplish for my own well being; which is to believe in myself and be the very best I can be. Embody that change. To be quite frank, I really hate being away...but for a shot at something better and something new, I know it has to be done. 

And in the same vein, I’m giving you the space and room to grow; to let you go and do all that you want. They say if you really love someone, then you have to be able to let them go. I had immense difficulty doing so, because I was genuinely happy being by your side. But I know to allow us to grow, and keeping the faith in the better things, I have to, and I shall.

Also, this move is in respect to who you’re going out with, and another reason I opted to be away. Yes, I know about his existence, and that you were going out for quite some time. You hinted it out in “there are things I don’t tell you” and “I don’t know if you’ll be okay with us going out with other people”. Connecting the dots wasn’t difficult.  While going out with him, and even the guy directly after me, is in direct conflict with why we initially broke up, that’s something perhaps only you can fully understand the reasoning of, I promise I won’t question what you need to do. That all said, I do feel, he rightfully deserves the chance he has with you, without me clouding up the picture.

Lately, I’ve been asked as to how I feel about you, and how I’m doing. In truth, my feelings are all over the place, because there’s so much to say. I’ve tried in various post attempts to write how I felt, but like with any loss, I’m stuck in feelings of denial, anger, sadness, confusion. But the one that’s been arguable the strongest and most devastating is the longing. Longing for what used to be, what we had. I look back from where we started, and where we’ve come to, and it’s bittersweet. I find myself still thinking about it all the time, because I honestly miss you so much. I miss being your best friend and partner and crime. I miss being with you, and all the crazy things we did, be it traveling to different worlds, eating different foods, and sharing in vivid detail all the things we’ve been through and the dreams we want to accomplish. 

You were the escape; the dream that became reality. The person I was waiting and looking for such a long time, to chase the stars and worlds with. The person I had a 100% sync ratio, where our minds were one and I could sense your feelings and meld with it.

But, things got rough. 

We had our share of problems. Perhaps my biggest issue was that I didn’t always speak up, that I tended to bottle things in. But in my defense, I usually decided to wait and reserve judgment because I needed the time and more information to break it down and understand it. I always felt I would come to the right conclusion and understand though, and that with patience and opening your mind up to different possibilities it ends up being better. I didn’t exactly put my foot down because I wanted to be close-minded and say no. In doing so, I was forgetting about how I felt at times and losing my sense of self. Those cracks were becoming evident in our relationship.

I think your biggest issue was timing. It technically always has been and the one thing that all others will be judged on; the ability to time themselves with you, and whether they can keep up with you in that regard. You were incredibly harsh on people, and more importantly, yourself, if things didn’t fall quite right into place. Greatly ambitious, hard on yourself to a fault. 

And because of those two things...we eventually went out of sync. It spun out of control, fell apart, and what had been left was barely a husk of this immense and incredibly beautiful thing we had.

I suppose however, that things needed to, if we really wanted to have a shot at making something bigger, and even better than what it was before. 

And so I move forward, with hope in the future, and with the determination and conviction to accomplish everything. No questions, no more dilly dallying. I’ve gone silent because, less talking, more doing.

And I do have hope actually, in us. You’ll always have a special place in my heart and if there’s a point and time I can recall that forever changed my world, it was when I met you on the 3 train that fateful day. 

If and when things got better, I did want to revisit everything. To try again. I still do. I still really want to take you out on that date I promised eons ago. I still want to go to many places with you. I still want to go to Dubai. 

You coming into my life...honestly, you’ve had an intangible effect on my life, something that I’m not sure if I’ll every fully understand. But I’m happy that you have, for turning it upside down, and opening it up in ways I could never imagine. I’m thankful for the moments I shared with you. And while I hope there’s a day we can walk and run not only like we used to, more than that, it’d be even better and further than how we did before. Because we’re better.

Til then, take care of my obsidian stone. I toted it with me to help give me strength, and I hope it does that for you. Take plenty of pictures with that camera as well, I’m hoping it helps you build new memories in place of the lost ones. 

And...that pretty much sums all I wanted to put down in that letter, but failed miserably to do so. 

But most importantly, the last thing I want to say...

It’s been years since I’ve written in this blog. I originally made this blog as a successor to my original Xanga (xtreme_pnoy.xanga.com), as well as a very crude means to communicate with certain people. I’m opting to make it into a personal journal of my thoughts and feelings (as my public one, donngeezy.tumblr.com, has followers linked Facebook, and I’d rather not have every one of them look). So, I resurrect this and re-christen it’s purpose as being a journal for my ramblings and thoughts (as well as the fact my other tumblr goes off in different directions).

And it hides in plain sight, as reimei89 is my general handle for most applications, so it’s no necessarily difficult to find, but congrats to you finding this! It wasn’t difficult, honestly. But you must’ve been curious as you took the time to look ^_^. I appreciate it actually, and I hope you enjoy reading my un-inhibited musings, thoughts, and more importantly, the pictures throughout my journey. 

The scariest part is the subtle realization, that no one will really remember anything that's happened. What was so powerful, so real..will disappear in a blink of an eye. It scares me, because I know time is fleeting further and further. As hard as I try to grip onto these thoughts, they disappear faster than I can pin them down with words. As hard as I'd like to scream, attempting to gasp after these unsung words and thoughts, I really am a loss at words, because they fail to stay in existence as days pass.

You won't remember anything in a year's time. You've already forgotten what it was like, when things first started colliding. What'll be even more surprising for you is that others will forget things you remember so vividly, just as much as you've forgotten something big for someone else.