The Based President

me: hey dad what’s for lunch haha

reggie: The lunch. is delicios. The Lunch. is Yummy. if it’s not scrumtious? why bother. if it’s not mmm ooh sooo Good? where’s the flavor. it’s a test that you pass. Or. A quest that You fail. a race against Time. Yummy. and Scrumptous. Always locked together. But the Lumch? is something else. It’s a Journey. A passport to New Worlds. Maybe Even. An  Odyssey.  A Look. A Feel. An exploration. Close Your Phocus, And Open you’re mind. Yes the Journey requires the right ticket. and that ticket….

reggie: *places a nintendo switch on my plate with a charismatic smile*

in an act of hubris i transferred (only a modicum of) my power to the nintendo wii u, but it remained too powerful still to be wielded or comprehended by the masses. the brilliance of the console will never be fully understood by mere mortals

so after 5 years we decided to finally discontinued the product and clear this information to be briefed to you

Reggie Fils-Aime was born in 1961 in New York City, New York. An able-bodied baby from the start, Reggie’s first words were “My name is Reggie I’m about kicking ass and taking names.” He proceeded to deliver on that promise with both of his parents.

In 1977, Reggie decided to move to the 1940’s and joined up with Archie Andrews and his ragtag group of pals. Here’s some photographic evidence.

Unable to put up with Archie’s behind-the-times ideas about malt shops and The Charleston Dance, Reggie reverted himself back into his own timeline.

In 1993, Reggie was employed by Pizza Hut. There he managed to convince them for the first time in 35 years, to start selling pizzas. This tactic worked so well for Pizza Hut they decided to start building menus around pizzas instead of menus around nothing.

After single handedly saving the US Pizza market, a strapping young man named Satoru Iwata adopted Reggie into the Nintendo family, where he works to this day under the official title of “Super President.” A job title with such benefits as being able to party 24/7, early access to top secret Nintendo products, and a desk that hovers.

to my fucking face

jared