AfflatusApparatus

Today. I inhaled three things- cold honey milk in afternoon. Ginger tea in evening. Turmeric milk in night for dinner.

Gave two mocks. Performed so fucking bad so bad I don't have words.

I feel so depressed and violent rn.

Violent cuz of the braces. Depressed because, well, hunger and my mock scores.

You know I have the will and the stubborness to actually live on milk if thats what it takes for me to clear this fucking exam. That's how fucked up it is. I am sick of it. So fucking sick of it! In site mocks I have an average of 135+ and in previous year papers mocks, I can barely score 100???????

It has finally rained.

I'm happy.

But not exactly. I mean... The weather made me happy, that's the only thing. Other than that, I scored supremely trashy marks in one of the toughest mocks, I haven't eaten a single grain of food today, reasons: I've discovered that no food makes your body look and feel light, I have braces, I basically have 4-5 options on what to eat, better to say, what to gulp/drink. And its fast day today which normally I won't take seriously but I read somewhere that the planet jupiter, which is guru/brihaspati has entered somewhere and it's beneficial for some signs, especially mine, virgo, especially in career sense. Therefore I'm kind of serious about this. I've decided to genuinely be nice and be active and कर्मठ and study today as much as I can and fast.

So. I haven't eaten a grain today. Deiting. Braces. Fasting. And I've scored absolutely horrific and repulsive marks in the mock, because of I KNOW- rotten calculation speed, not knowing square roots, bad at active passive and tough vocab and rcs, disgusting errors in gk. Got me 26 questions wrong, out of the measly 79 attempted. 93/200. Imagine. I usually am at 137+ on average. Imagine how pissed its making me. Anyways. I've decided to not dwell on it cuz.. Idk some shit about trying harder getting back up bla bla bla bla. Oh and.

The electricity is gone. Power is off. It's stark dark in my home. My laptop cannot work without constant charger in, my phone is at 3% , I do not have a decent book to read, I cannot even study some rcs/English cuz no light. I am guessing I'll have to take the one single candle I got and study or do smth. There's literally nothing else I can think of rn, so, yeah, imma study some English under the candlelight, while it rains some bit outside.

Wow. My dark academia dream coming true.

Dark it really is- cuz-

1. I'm starved. Functioning on a cup of cold honey milk in the morning when there was sun and a cup of warm sweet clove and ginger tea when it rained thunder outside.

2. There's no power. I am studying in the candlelight and it's probably English or maths. Take that-

3. I'm alone at home and my home is surrounded by swarm of trees which have thoroughly whooshed under the rain and the winds.

4. I'm shit scared about my future. It's really really scary. I cannot even begin to think much far dwell upon or write about it. I really have nothing else to live for. It's really life and death situation.

5. I'm not a picture of beauty completely yet. Full of potential, far away from it being a real moving kinetic factor, mt beauty or my glowing up.

So yeah.

Congrats to me.

On living, really literally living in dark academia.

Kudos.

I hope I come out alive and well out of this.

I could say the cliche, that, I feel empty now that's it's over. But no. I actually don't. I feel so full. I feel fed. Ironic because I haven't eaten anything fulfilling since two days and rn my stomach is literally grumbling from hunger. But I feel full. I feel full. Maybe I found my joy.

I got four then,

1. Scoring 140+ in sectional mocks.

2. Watching a great piece of art.

3. Going out to see new a place thoroughly, uninterrupted, take pictures.

4. Just a cup of warm sweet ginger cardamom clove tea when the weather is very nice.

I'll find more. To feel fulfilled.

Ah.

Sjc bhopal. I went to on Saturday, oh it did soo much good in me than I expected. It's like a memory ive bottled, and the bottle is so full rn.

And this exam... It's a challenge too. I've been kind of out of it this past week. Snail like, indifferent. But rn it feels like it's just another exam like half yearly ones, in two months. Oh that's ample of time!!!!! Even two days felt such huge time to me when I had to ace an exam in school. A lot of things are different than then, I too am different but kind of the same.

It feels like there's something sooo strong which is pulling me to how I was with the upgrades that I have now. It feels.. Like I am in control but also not. Idk how to say this.

Everything is pulling me to those times which I want to recreate. Everything. The weather. My body. My company. The changed reasons of joy. The stakes. The challenges. My resources. And idk.. Some future I cannot see rn. I can only see an exam I have to score in.

I am pushed towards me again. Someone I truly was. Not someone I'm pretending to be. Someone I was with the new changes ive incorporated in me now. I'm almost whole. And everything is pushing me to get that almost gone, to be whole.

To just have the dream home, where in it's living room or veranda I sit, depending on the weather, and a man, equal or more than me in all aspects, walks towards me, with two cup of tea or any other beverage in his hands, set them nearby, and sit close to me, getting me all snug.

it was obviously a trainwreck to the brain and heart what GYeonng se's conffession was, and then when their hyung, the senior most of eights club, sat them all down together and talked about this out in the open, the train wreck kept wrecking me deeper and deeper. when he said, the idiot doesnt even know about himself, if he actually listens to him and focuses on him, he'll make 3-4 blockbuster films from his life stories and smallest incicences itself and then he said, he is mine. hwang dong man is mine. i gasped. and then when the camera slowly and suddenly pans out to euna, and she says, no. he wont join yall on my watch because now, I WILL BE THE ONLY PERSON WHO GETS TO SEE AND MEET HIM, why? so that u can keep all this stories to yourself? yes. thats exactly why. so that i can keep all his stories to myself and make them into movies so that hwang dong man sees, finally sees, that how brilliant he shines!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIC. DROP.

and to couple what euna said above, with what dongman said to that asshole ma jae young, and i quote- she takes the work of overlooked underdogs and adds her precious gems of words and pours talent into them, doesnt that make you wanna cry and get on your knees with gratitude and worship her???? she shines like a precious gem, anything she touches she breathes life into it.

my. god. talk about love. such a small fucking word and this drama, its writer, so beautifully and magically making that word explode into such oh so impossibly unbelievably wondorous words. oh god.

and when.... the wedding scene comes and miran comes and sings and takes dongman's name twice and the scene cuts into him bruised and drunk his mouth stuffed with food, saying- "i dont even want to be succesful, i just want to not feel miserable." Right when miran is singing and its so so so so clear on his face that whatever he is feeling this instant is anything BUT misery, yeah the tears began. i sobbed and sobbed , all through the song, all through the credits, all through the prequel of next episode, paused the next episode , got up bawling like a baby who just got someone ccoing to it after it has been hurt and is desperate for just someone to see it, just see it- i went and peed, crying, washed my face, sobbing, then sat down to write this, and now that the tears had dried out till the paragraph just above, by the third line in this paragraph they've started to flow again.

I cannot sleep with clothes on. Fuck. Makes me think how would I be able to sleep contently with others then??