Chapter 1.
Towards the beginning of last year I was feeling very drained, emotionally and physically. I lost 50lbs. I wasnโt getting hungry and I was working out 5-6 days a week. I know that sounds like an atrocious combination, but oddly I was feeling okay. Working out kept me somewhat sane. I think I started feeling very sad and depressed when I found out the girl I was in love with and dated on and off for over 6 years got engaged. I just kept getting bad thoughts about myself. Like if I was too ugly, too caring, too fat even. I also started noticing that I was very lonely. I hadnโt dated no girl or guy since my breakup with this said girl in 2016. I kept pushing my friends away. I didnโt want to burden them with my personal issues. I now realized that was a mistake. That dark period of my life I really needed love. But I still pushed them away. It got to the point where I wasnโt getting invited to things. So I took that as no one wanting or caring for me. My own intrusive thoughts sent me down a rabbit hole. And no, I did not end up in wonderland. I remember April 2019 was when I started noticing me not being myself. Iโm typically a very cheerful, happy guy with a smile on my face and laughing and being sarcastic. I couldnโt even pretend to pull that off around co-workers or anyone. I remember it was the middle of April and I was actually pulled aside by coworkers asking me to tell them if anything whatโs wrong cause they have noticed I wasnโt being like my usual self. I just lied and said I was just tired from working a lot of hours. They just nodded, since they saw that I did was working 10-12 hours days. As the weeks passed by my thoughts started to get worse. I had a customer tell me I was worthless and it just stayed with me. Itโs all I thought about for days. I started to believe it. I thought of all the things I had failed at and it made me agree with that statement from the customer. I failed at loving this woman, I failed at completing college, I failed at being independent. At this point I was just sad. The only thing that made me a little happy was thinking about Memorial Day weekend and how the family gathers together and just laughs and have a good time. The event I was looking forward to didnโt turn out the best for me. I was bombarded with the โwhereโs the girlfriend, whereโs the diploma, youโre still at that shitty job, youโre still at homeโ questions. I left the gathering crying cause once again I felt worthless. I went on a drive around the lake and cleared my mind. I was in a parking lot at a park and decided to maybe try downloading a dating app. I had only used Grindr before with no pictures and all but never used anything else. So I set up this said profile but then my cousin from the gathering called me and asked if I was okay. I said yea and I picked her up and we went to Starbucks. I had forgotten about this app. The following day, Monday I was trying to get a friend to come see a movie with me since I had free vouchers. I texted all my friends. Some left me on read, others just simply said no. It hurt me so much. I went to bed crying that night. The next day Tuesday May 28th, I went to work and was still trying to get a friend to come with to a movie as I didnโt want the tickets to go to waste. They expired at the end of May. No one was responding. I went home from work and literally had a mental breakdown. I was sobbing on the kitchen floor. I had never felt so alone and unwanted. I am glad I was home alone with my parents at work. What I did next was that I remembered about that app. I messaged some girls and guys and just left on read. Now I felt even more like shit. The dark thinking reached the breaking point. *Trigger Warning* Tuesday. May 28th 2019 I decided I no longer wanted to feel this sadness anymore. With my parents being gone l figured it was the right time. At around 5pm I decided that I didnโt want to live anymore. I tried to hang myself. It did not work. I was again sobbing on the floor thinking how I was such a failure that I even failed at that. Another tears soaked pillow night.
