Just A Girl

Do I trust what I’m told by the person I love, or trust my gut and what they write in private as well. I fail to convince my gut that what I’m told isn’t just because he knows it’s what I want to hear, but I am also losing the battle in convincing my heart to give up on the love and life we have built over lies.

Is it possible to make a decision without feeling wrong either way? I guess I’ll never know. I play ignorant but my head is part of an absolute stampede going too fast for my soul to feel present either. Both have been taken away in the fast current of the mob of my emotions.

I don’t know what’s next for me, or for him, or for the future we are building, but I’m too scared to confront it while also being too scared to waste my time in this space if I don’t. I have existed in limbo so long at this point that I’m not sure if an exit exists for me or if I’m stuck too far in it to escape. It feels like I got stuck in quicksand that waited for the perfect time to be recognized as the fatal trap it can be because it looks just like a perfect vantage point to soak up a view you convinced yourself was worth the risk.

It’s been years now since we last spoke, yet I see you in everything despite my attempts to make that not true. All the “what if” questions come at lightening speed these days. Cursed to always wonder, what if I had seen it out and had not made the decision on your behalf that someone else was a better fit for you when that was entirely your call to make. If I had talked about the future more, maybe I wouldn’t have been so scared of what you actually wanted from me. I answered both of those questions for you and proved myself to be right. A self fulfilling prophecy is all I ever was. Someone was a better fit for you because she never made the decision for you, but rather let you choose your own path. And it turns out you truly had expected more out of our future than I could provide, and I proved that by not sticking around to see it out.

I’ve found that I, at times, felt quite lonely due to this fact. I’m a lot for most, and not enough for some. Yet despite it all, I have never only been a glimpse. I’ve been an entire portrait, faults and all visible and never hidden.

Could I have done better at times? Yeah, I am certain we all could have. Hindsight is 20/20, but I did that best I knew to do with the tools that I had. That being said, I won’t sit around and live my life in regret until I’m dead.

I have been a good person, and I still do all I can. I’m certain me in 5 years will still think of all the things I should’ve done instead. But I will remind myself at that time, I tried my very best. And no matter what I did or didn’t do, I was myself until the bitter end.

I look forward to introducing my kids to the friends I made because I made a couple questionable decisions, but ended up right where I needed to be. I look forward to telling them stories about how I chose a harder path because I felt it was the right thing to do. I want to be an example to them that the path of least resistance doesn’t exactly indicate that it is the right one.

I’m still sorting out what it means to me to live a memorable life, but I’m starting to come to the conclusion that it’s one worth remembering the moments of far past their occurrence. Which leads me to the conclusion that maybe I’ve done a good job. Constantly shooting for more and working myself to the bone because of my impatience for my goals, but when I truly take a second to look back, I have done alright.

I could always do more. There are so many people to befriend that I haven’t met because I chose to just go home. So many trips I didn’t take and concerts I didn’t attend because I wanted to pick up shifts because I felt working was the only productive use of my time. But now I’m here. I am in a position where those choices showed me what more I could have and what I feel matters most in the pursuit of a life well lived. It has opened the path of realization and to prioritize those things moving forward.

My man, my man, my MAN