Every Day is a Blessing.

I think I’ve been very much in a place where what I “do” doesn’t dictate who I am, though that has been very much where I have been. I think what has helped is really honing in on the things that are most important to me and having the courage and strength to say no to what doesn’t align with my values or distracts me from pulling through for myself and what is important to me.

Basically for me — it’s been a process of shifting my mindset from doing what’s important to knowing what’s important and acting accordingly. So what I do doesn’t dictate who I am, but who I am defines what I do and how I act. So when “productivity” disappears, I am still in tact.

I find myself most in my writing — I reveal a lot to others and even I figure myself out more in the things that I write. In extension to that — I find myself most in the things that I do that really resonate with who I am at the core.

The real end goal to my productivity is to create/design a life in which I live through my values and my life as a testament to what is most important to me. I’ve done a lot of work on myself the past year to eliminate what keeps me busy and feeling like I’m doing something to truly invest my time for long term holistic prosperity.

(In an effort to help me manage my mind and thoughts better to relieve effects of anxiety, I started a daily devotional today that mixes biblical passages and neuroscience together. To ensure I’m not passively reading it, I’ll be reflecting on the day’s passages based on the process recommended in the book - ask, answer, discuss. Enjoy the innerworkings of my head as I embark on this journey to help my mind create peace.) 

Who are you? What defines you? What have you let define you? When have you stood your ground in who you are? What has affected your definition of who you are? What boxes have you put yourself in? What boxes have others put you in? What boxes have you tried to escape because they were not who you are? What boxes have you let keep you surrounded and trapped? Why have you been unable to escape certain labels or definitions of who you are? What do you tell yourself? What have you told yourself you are? What’s true? What’s not true? What do you still believe is true but have trouble erasing from yourself? How do you want to change the way you define yourself? 

When posed with the question - who are you - during a reflection workshop, I wrote - 

I am a wonderful human being and servant of God who is a unique gift to the world with talents and value to offer and give to others. 

I think that’s the most beautiful way I’ve ever described myself. 

In a class journal reflection I wrote for my interpersonal communication course while abroad, I gave a very adjective heavy description of who I was in Fall of 2014 - 

Being in a totally different culture really makes me think further about who I am in every context and how I adapt to that context... Though back home I may be a Pilipino American, [in Prague] it is much simpler or more common for me to be identified as simply American. I am where I come from in the literal sense to most people who interact with me. With consideration of this phenomenon, I have come to look at myself more and see what the other side of the coin perceives of me. 

I am English spoken. I dress similar to the Americans these people have encountered... In being so focused on who I am with regards to the people around me in [the Czech Republic], I have lost touch with who I am. I have let where I am prescribe an identity to me, whether I agree with it or not. The challenge I have then is to figure out who I am with the people around me... I am more than the other people’s prescriptions for me. 

I am a student, a daughter, an aunt, a grandchild, a friend, a girlfriend, a classmate, and the list goes on and on. I am honest, I am loyal, I am caring, I am loving, I am anxious, I am smart, and I am thoughtful. I am Pilipino, I am American, I am Californian, and I am from the Bay Area. I am a dreamer, a hard worker, an individualist, a helper, an independent person, a questioner, a believer, a romantic, and so much more.

In both, I explored who I am in such a (mostly) positive light, but the trouble I’ve been having is continuing to own who I am based on the good in me. Instead, I’ve continually darkened my identity though I know who I am in the light. I’ve been choosing to live in the darkness instead of dancing in the light. Praising who I am and most importantly, celebrating who I am. 

It’s common for me to have difficulty in this when I’m in a state of transition, literally or figuratively. Currently, I feel as if I am in a major transition in terms of who I am and who I am becoming -- so it’s no surprise to me such negative thoughts and thinking has engulfed my mind as of late. And since my mind has been stuck in darkness, I’ve simply been unwilling to expend my energy further to grasp for a way out. So, the darkness of my mind has definitely laid a foundation of negativity affecting my definition of myself. 

The truth is - I have indeed allowed my definition of myself be dictated by the view of society and those around me. I have been who I am in relation to someone, somewhere, something else. The first time I felt I finally defined myself was in writing the one line description of me above. And I think the major crisis I’ve been having is mostly due to the fact that I haven’t been living up to what I said I am... as if that definition was more aspirational than factual. 

But, there goes my mind again creating a reality less favorable than the truth. That’s what’s been important -- what I did just there. Being aware of my thoughts and how my mind derails me from moving forward with twist and turns that take my emotions on a ride and make my mind go haywire. More importantly however, is how I redirect myself and what I do to make adjustments as my wheels turn. 

My definition of who I am has always wavered. I can’t recall many times where I really stood my ground in who I am, and that’s where another problem lies. Because my definition of myself has been regularly dictated by other people, from both what they do and do not say, how they do and do not act, and how I’ve treated me. My perception, of course, has also played a large role. I’ve made people bigger in my life because they made me feel bigger, but when they made me feel small, I saw myself as the same. In that, my power was not mine. I continually gave it away. I let others speak into me and my mind even unintentionally... even if they weren’t even trying, because of the narrative I followed in my mind. Hello anxiety. Hello depression. And instead of owning that, I let it define me. 

Hm, not sure I made sense there, but I hope you get my drift. 

In essence, my thoughts and emotions hung onto my circumstances and other people. Two things that very much tend to not be in my control. My struggle now is not only taking my power back and dealing with what I can control (my reactions and actions), but also rooting myself in who I am based on MY actions and words. Basically, I need to follow through with myself more and speak positive into my life. Because at the end of the day, even when others controlled the narrative in my head, I give the final stamp of approval of what is and isn’t on my mind... what are my thoughts, which eventually lead to being my words, actions and beliefs. 

So here’s to making sure the input I stuff inside my head leads to better output.  Here’s to transformation based in the renewal of my mind.