High Voltage

For the first month of your life, you slept in your pack in play. When we went to the beach and you endured your first growth spurts, you slept in our bed for the first time. I fought allowing you to sleep in our bed, because I knew it would be painfully difficult to transition you to the crib when it came time to do so, more-so than if you simply slept in your pack in play. I told myself... at six months it would be time to move you into your own crib in your own room. 

I should be happy that it only took two cry-it-outs tonight—the second time we’ve ever tried this—to get you to fall asleep. I should be thankful that you’re in the other room sleeping soundly. I should be relishing in the fact I can catch up on some reading for work right now to better prepare for our team meeting tomorrow. I should be preparing for bed, hoping you stay asleep all night. 

Surprise, though... I’m not. I’m absolutely none of those things. I can hardly focus on my reading because I feel like someone is sitting on my chest while restlessness is settling in. I’m getting flashbacks to the night before I returned to work after maternity leave and my vacation days ran out. Our room feels so unbelievably empty without you in it. This may seem silly to some, but I am absolutely heartbroken that we’re at the stage where it’s even appropriate for you to be sleeping in a room all by yourself. 

I know I should be mad at myself for moving you to our bed, for choosing sanity and sleep over doing what I knew was considered right. I know I’ve made things more difficult for myself for cherishing snuggling up with you every night, watching your tiny little chest rise and fall, ignoring my aching shoulder in favor of holding your tiny yet chubby body for a few more minutes before moving you to the pack n play—where you would inevitably wake up screaming a few hours later and return to my bed. I know me and my selfish decisions are to blame for how I feel right now. 

But... you are only a baby once. Everyone says “don’t blink” because time is going to fly “so fast it’ll make your head spin.” Somehow, half a year has flown by, you’ve more than doubled in size, can already army-crawl across the floor, babble a few words, understand how to play, and melt my heart into the biggest puddle possible with the cutest giggles I’ve ever heard in my entire life. I know that once you’re really sleep-trained, you won’t be sleeping in our bed anymore; there will be a time where you PREFER to sleep in your crib. I understand that that’s the entire point of this pain—your growth and independence. 

That’s what breaks my heart; you lived INSIDE me (which is still hard to fathom) for over nine months, have slept in my arms for the greater part of your life in this world thus far, and now I’m just supposed to be okay with not only NOT having you in my arms, safe and sound and able to eat whenever you need, but rather across the hall in your room with the door shut—because, you know... fire safety. In MY mind, how could this ever be the appropriate, safe option? Why would it ever make sense for you to be anywhere but right beside me, or another adult, at only 6 months old?! 

But I just want to make a note of how proud of myself I am.

This time last year, I hit a wall. I realized I could no longer make excuses for my dissatisfaction with the direction of my career and had to get off my ass and actually value my long term goals enough to take a risk to get what will ultimately help me achieve them.

I quit my "safe" job, albeit riddled with issues, and do as I vowed never to... "sell my soul" and go corporate. However, I found an opportunity with endless potential for growth... with a company that is actively trying to better itself re: environmentalism, animal rights, and overall equality. I found a team that respects and values me... and even believes in me... and that I believe in. I have the option of working from home once weekly, but honestly prefer driving to work bc of the people there. I found a team that actually has the means to take risks, refine-refine-refine, REALLY innovate, collaborate, and implement change. I finally feel confident in my abilities and my value as an employee.

I am continuing to challenge myself artistically. Last year I made it a habit to paint at least once a week, and pretty much kept it up at a respectable pace. I found my voice (at least for now), explored subject matter and finally started and finished non-commissioned works. After taking roughly a month-long break to reflect, I have completed half that thus far this year, but significantly increased the average size of canvases I'm working with. I'm also taking a couple opportunities to exhibit my work in hopes of funding more personal projects thru commissions. I have already completed 3 this year and have 8ish more pieces in the queue for the coming months. I'm *trying* not to undervalue my work, and upping my prices a little to balance the work I've put in over the past few years.

I'm committing to my decision to severely limit freelance design work. I have one client with sparse work, but I do it because 1. It ultimately supports artists, 2. It's for the business of a friend's family, and 3. It's worth the pay. I only have one photoshoot booked, and it's for family that's long overdue... but I've actually been shooting for fun.

I WENT TO A CONCERT FOR THE FIRST TIME IN FOREVER, & THEN ANOTHER (at which I felt V old) AND HAVE TICKETS TO TWO MORE THIS YEAR. AND I WENT TO TWO COMEDY SHOWS!! WHO AM I

I'm trying to learn more about disc golf since Austin is so into it... and trying to find more activities we can do together. I'm wanting less and less to stay in bed and zombie my way through weekends and more to spend quality time with my husband. Let's go camping, kayaking, hiking, swimming, bike riding, dog walking... anything. As long as it's in the sunshine...

I hit the brakes a bit on personal spiritual exploration once I settled into my current job... but I'm thinking it's time to revisit and embrace it.

The dark and twisties have been kinder to me, I can actually talk about my struggles, & I have a better understanding of how to listen to my body and mind.

I AM EVEN PRACTICING GUITAR AND SEEING IMPROVEMENTS. THIS NEVER HAPPENS. And I decided tonight that for the first time, I'm going take flute lessons. My mentor, friend, and boss at the academy has agreed to take me on as a student, and I am so hype. I can't wait to become a better teacher for my students.

I really want a baby. Give me all the skate/music nursery decorations, baby vans, stuffed animals, baby yawns, lullabies, baby snuggles, and probably most of all, to see Austin love *OUR* baby. One day...

And we are buying this damn house this year. Mark my words.

2017 Rachel would be so proud of 2018 Rachel.