"I hate this town. I really, really do."

[text] hey, can you check if i left the stove on?

[text] seriously?! you used up all the hot water again.

[text] dinner tonight? my treat.

[text] when i said i needed pussy that wasn’t an invitation for you to get me a cat.

[text] i can’t hang out tonight. i’m too busy crying over fictional characters.

[text] well, mark me down as scared and horny.

[text] why does netflix have to be such a judgmental bitch?

[text] i’m going to need you to call me in ten minutes with a fake emergency.

[text] this is by far the worst idea you’ve ever had.

[text] new phone who dis?

[text] i put you down as my emergency contact.

[text] sometimes you just gotta ask yourself ‘is this what captain america would do?’

[text] i miss you.

[text] you okay?

[text] rise and shine, motherfucker.

[text] why did you send me gps coordinates to death valley?

[text] quick question: why are you so cute?

[text] pls help….what dress should i wear?

[text] you are gonna be the death of me one day.

[text] who gave you the right to be so fuckin’ cute?

[text] i just tagged you in like twelve hundred memes. you’re welcome.

[text] did you just rick roll me?

[text] honey, where’s my super suit?

[text] i’m your husband/wife! i’m the greatest good you’ll ever get!

[text] i just made this awkward, didn’t i?