Wit beyond measure

Do I have any butter on me… Good question. -searching on him because you never know- Uh, no. Negative on the butter but it appears I can offer you a cracker and what I assume is a quarter of a muffin. You doing alright there Firecracker?

Muffin. How much do you want for the muffin? My soul and half a cup of coffee is kind of all I've got. Feeling very extinguished firecracker-y. Which kind of blows. You doing all right there, insert-cute-nickname-here?

Or… or perhaps I could call for one of your numerous family members to assist you, if you would prefer their company. I’m afraid it has been a long day, and my conversation skills are perhaps not up to their usual par.

What? No. I mean, if you're not afraid of the fact I might collapse on you at any given moment, you should stay. The color of your tie is oddly relaxing.

…Second one I don’t really know how to comment on but burnt toast isn’t all that bad if you put enough butter on it so… Just roll with it Captain Red.

Butter. God, suddenly I really want butter. Do you have any butter on you?

Whoo. I'm okay. Only one of my legs feels like it's jelly. ...Yeah. Yeah you should definitely let me do the sleep thing.

'All you need' is like the cousin for 'settling'. You shouldn't have to do that. Look at it this way— there's always something new to learn. Gloriana's from a fairytale, statistics don't exist in those. Yeah, but we already established that people suck. Smelly Melvin wasn't that bad! At least you were more or less desensitized from the potions' fumes. 

Sometimes settling is okay. If you spend your whole life working for what you don't have you'll never get time to enjoy the things you do. Gloriana was literally raised on half truths and disgustingly dated expectations, if that's what a fairytale's like, count me out. ...Yeah. People really, really suck, Adrian. Are you kidding me? Smelly Melvin was the worst, every time he raised his hand to answer a question I had to duck for cover.

The harm is that there’s a real possibility that not everyone’s going to see the end of this war. What if you died before you even started live? Stop being blasphemous; Gloriana’s an expert in everything. Maybe, but where there’s light there is also shadows. Illogicality’s perpetual, too. Annnd this is why Sander was my only choice for a Potions partner ever— just hand me the vials. 

Woah, little warning next time when you decide to use the death of our friends as a segue. I've lived. I've learned a lot. And my family is enormous, so there's tons of people who love me. Isn't that supposed to be all you need? It's statistically impossible to be an expert in everything. Usually lack of logic is what caused the war in the first place, afterwards people tend to avoid it at all cost. Yeah, thanks for that by the way. I was stuck with Smelly Melvin.

Dude, you totally got jipped. You at least got a lingerie set though too, right? I think we’ve gotten past the point in our lives where denotations are rendered irrelevant when ‘childhood’ has been warped to ‘war’. … Hmph. Good. Pass me the vial of lovage. 

It's not like I have time to worry about that stuff anyways, what's the harm? I don't think that's really Gloriana's area of expertise. Denotations are always relevant, especially when childhood has been warped to war. Logic is the only thing that remains constant. Did your cold, black little heart just flutter?

Yeah, well, your sweater’s tighter than usual. Did you know that ‘I can totally handle this’ is a phrase most common with mental asylum patients? Just try not to get a brain tumor anytime soon. You’re the only person I can kind of tolerate for more than two hours.

Yeah, this is... new. I don't know, I sold my soul to Gloriana and in exchange she's letting me teach her about the humane side of magical creatures. The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again, expecting different results each time. So by definition, I am not insane yet. That was very heartwarming. I'll do my best.

Just chalk it up to sexual tension. Works for me all the time. That’s why I’m brewing it for you, smart one. Why’d you even agree to work two fields at one time anyways? If anything, you should’ve applied to get down and dirty with me. The workouts are very cathartic. 

You're being more sexual than usual. I'm taking it as a sign you missed me yesterday while I was under Ambassador Rivers' service. I missed you too. Lifesaver. You might be a lifesaver. Thank you. Because they were understaffed in both areas and I can totally handle this.

But Commander Whittmore’s not looking for ‘fine’. If you don’t want to be a suck up, then be a protege. Vamping your already swollen brain could very well be the key to getting us out of this war quicker, after all. 

You know I'm great, I know I'm great, therefore this conversation serves no purpose. Hard to be a protege when your mentor already haaates you. ...Well, either way, I don't have time to brew Baruffio's, Ambassador Rivers is doing a seminar right after my shift ends here.

You’re ridiculous. And naive. Here, and hand me that long tubey one. If you ever go over eight cups, you’re supposed to mix some Baruffio’s elixir in there. Geez, I thought every insomniac knew that. 

You're ridiculous. And a manchild. And my hands aren't even shaking that much. Excuse me, my brain performs just fine without the help of some unnecessary stimulant.

Then I guess we’d have the greatest pity-slash-apology sex in the history of ever. You seriously need to chill out though. Your hands are shaking. How much coffee have you drank today? 

Ummm... Ten cups? Twelve? I don't know, the lines between today and yesterday are very blurry right now. Hand me the flask that looks like a pregnant lady.

What if you say something extra repulsive and misogynistic and accidentally throw my beaker in your face? You know, out of shock.

I’m sorry, too. About your friend. That must be awful. 

Thanks. Yeah, it is, but he's as tough as they make 'em. He can handle it.

But that’s okay. We’re going to get you all fixed up. Update that wardrobe, get that heir colored, and you’ll be the belle of the ball at all of those ambassadory diplomaty things. 

If I give you full permission to throw away everything in my wardrobe, color my hair, and do absolutely anything else you feel like doing, will you let me teach you some important things about vampires and goblins and werewolves?

And only months away from swimsuit season!

I don't think there's going to be any time for sun bathing with all the werewolf peace talks and goblin negotiations and harpy appeasements we're going to be dealing with.