I Like My Red Hat.

I miss having a partner. I miss having a partner who is also your best friend.

I hate feeling entirely disempowered. As though my ideas are all shit and that I have to check in about everything. I know it’s now a chicken and egg thing. I email them everything because I don’t feel confident in my own opinion AND the fact I email them everything probably makes them think I’m incompetent. 

This year has technically been pretty big for me with two pretty life changing things happening..however..I still feel very little towards it - good or bad. I don’t know if that is because I’m genuinely neutral or because my head won’t let me think positively or negatively. However, I do feel very lucky to know and be aware that I have a lot of incredible friends..and that’s something. 

My dyslexia gets worse when I'm stressed. Work is fine but overwhelmed with volunteer work and fighting fires that mean keeping my own area in order is starting to melt with using the wrong words and missing out words and not proof reading accurately. And the people I'm emailing don't know me and it just looks unprofessional. And I know that this shouldn't be a thing - but it is and blah.

Overthinking has now led to me regretting all my decisions. Big or small - recent or not - so much regret. Or fear of a life not lived. Even decisions I previously had no regret or worry over such as uni. This is new to me. I have no coping strategies for this.

I'm so tired I want to cry. This is the second time in a week I've felt like this an hour away from home.