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Maybe Mishima was right, it must be beautiful to die at the height of your youth. Obviously it’s not something I would want for my loved ones or myself even. I just find myself thinking about it a lot, maybe it’s my putrid corroded mind trying to win the eternal battle I’ve always had against myself. I pray to god he gives me the strength to find peace within my own thoughts.

First time I ever met someone who I viewed as an ideal partner. What a rare sight in today’s world. How foolish of me to dream a lifetime and romanticize a love that clearly isn’t meant for me. Guess that’s just how god wants things to be right now. I trust him. And if I’m not worthy of any of it so be it. I’ll be fine. Right?

I felt a wave of shame and guilt today, the same feeling i had when I realized I lost her for good. I’m not a saint in the slightest. I felt the temptation of sin and prayed for strength in order to compose myself, knowing damn well if the opportunity came I would have caved in. I wish I was a good person, a strong one even. It is clear I am neither of those things and I am back at square one.