Recklessly Love All

“1. wake up. kick off the covers and let the cool morning air raise goosebumps on your legs. let it tremble your lips and crack open your eyelids. now turn off your alarm and swing your feet onto the floorboards because baby it’s the break of dawn and you have so much to do today. 2. get dressed. I don’t care if it’s sweats or a skirt just put on whatever makes you feel comfortable. look in the mirror and try to smile. you can do it, I promise, and if you don’t believe the crinkles at the corners of your lips, that’s okay too. 3. eat breakfast. it can be a spoonful of yogurt or a stack of pancakes, it doesn’t matter; you need the calories. I know how hard it can be when everything tastes like cardboard because nothing feels the same anymore, trust me I know. so try something sweet like a nectarine, that always does the trick for me. 4. do your homework. go to work. whatever it is you do baby just keep on doing it. because it’s true what they say about how quietly a person can fall apart. the sun does not know that you are crumbling beneath its rays nor does it care, so play along and smile at the copy room boy. 5. drive home. listen to the radio as loud as your speakers will let you. and when you start to cry in the middle of the song you can’t ever seem to avoid, sing so loud your voice cracks. you are alive, sweetheart, you need to repeat that to yourself now and learn how to believe in that when you lose faith in everything else. 6. eat dinner. it doesn’t have to be big but it needs to be something. you are not as empty as you feel and your stomach does not know what your heart is going through; they were never very close anyway. it is going to feel forced but that is the point, learn how to force your routines. 7. take a shower. wash away the dirt of the day because chances are some memories will go down the drain with it. I promise you will forget how he smelled, how tall he was, his favorite movie. just don’t let the water run too cold because once you start shaking you will not be able to stop. 8. lie down. take a sleeping pill, read a book, stay awake. tuck yourself in and sing your own lullaby because baby I hate to break it to you but you will spend a lot of your life feeling like this, feeling alone. just wrap yourself in a blanket and remember that you made it through today. you made it through today.”

“I. do not text him. he lied when you said the two of you could stay friends, don’t act so surprised. and if you do text him, absolutely do not tell him that you miss him because you don’t, not really. he would not have torn your heart apart like this when you first met, the boy you miss no longer exists. II. follow his damn Instagram, you can’t avoid his memory forever. and when he posts a picture of her, saying he loves her more than anything he’s ever loved before, stare until that tree-branch feeling in your gut turns to ash and gets swept away. III. stand in front of the mirror, look in your own eyes and think his name. think about how it tasted at 2:36 in the morning, think about when you said it and he would come running. when the thoughts don’t turn your stomach inside out, say it out loud. you need to learn how to hear it and not flinch. IV. please remember that your body is made up of 37 trillion cells, but some people say it’s only 15 trillion. he didn’t know any better. he could not have possibly known any better. find someone who cares enough to remind you to take your pills. V. you will laugh and it will hurt. this is good. keep laughing, keep hurting. I want you to cry until they mistake the rivers flowing from beneath your bedroom door for the bottom of the ocean. sink your feet in the sand, baby, because that’s the only way you will be able to push yourself back up. VI. read a book that reminds you of everything you ever loved about him. then read a book and fall in love with someone who is completely the opposite. sweetheart, all you need is some perspective. VII. kiss other boys but do not kiss them all. do not lose respect for your body because he decided to leave it out in the cold. you are still so special. do not let them take that from you because he was too stupid to let you down easy. you can dream about breaking their hearts but don’t actually do it because that won’t break his. VIII. grind your teeth and get the hell out of bed. this is not a war, this is your life. you’re not a hero, you’re not a victim, and neither is he. so stop believing that you need to be saved because in case you haven’t noticed your head is above water. that’s all that counts. being above water.”

sometimes he still appears in my dreams. sometimes I wish I could stay there forever.